Tag Archives: donuts

Resolution Monday Update

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Okay. We’re five months into the year and I’ve made 11 New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been able to stick to a few of them completely, I’ve stumbled with a few and a couple I’ve just abandoned all together. It’s been really interesting and challenging to try to pull this off but there’s going to be a little change in my program here. Starting now I’m going to discontinue my weekly updates on the resolutions.



I’m still going to try to pull off these resolutions and if I can think of anything interesting to say about them or have any news on them I’ll certainly post about them but it’s getting hard trying to write about this every week.



Admittedly, posting about this every week has been useful in keeping these resolutions on my mind but I don’t want the content of this site to suffer for it. Sure, there have been some posts I’ve been pretty happy with on this subject and some of them, like my flossing tutorial were pretty popular but for every one of those posts there’s three posts of me just talking about donuts. Complaining about how I want a donut, bragging about how I haven’t had a donut all week or admitting that I ate three donuts in a day (my record is five). Don’t get me wrong, I can easily write up 250 words about my love/hate relationship with donuts every week but it’s going to get old pretty fast.



So that’s it. Until further notice, the weekly resolution updates will be suspended and I’ll just write about them if I can think of something funny. Monday’s posts will now go back to the regular schedule of fake detective novels, drinking stories and swearing at Republicans.



Shit. I really want some donuts now.

New Year Resolution Mondays: The Ghost of Donuts.

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Last week I had pledged to get serious about my resolution for no more sweets, specifically no more donuts. I was all amped up and ready to face the world with a resolve to not stuff my face hole with candy and donuts. Gonna do this!



That day Jena came home from a weekend trip and with her she brought back all the snacks that were not eaten by her and friends. Some pringles, some beef jerky, and a full, unopened box of Double Stuff Oreos –



Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?

Why do they even make regular stuff Oreos anymore?





Fuck it. I said “Diet starts tomorroowwwww!” and threw some Oreos at my face.



The rest of the week, however was candy and donut free. I went to the grocery store to find an energy bar or something I could munch on throughout the day that wasn’t completely full of sugar, marketed exclusively towards women or both –



The Isofemme bar is full of protein and "sinfully delicious".

The Isofemme bar is full of protein and “sinfully delicious”.




I did end up finding some low sugar energy bars that weren’t called “OvaBars” or “Uterenergy”, had those and some fresh fruit for breakfast every day and am glad to say I haven’t had any donuts. I’ve certainly seen my fair share, though.



Working in a truck all day my bathroom breaks almost always take place in gas stations. Every day I walk by my old friends, the donuts. At one point I just kind of stared longingly at a rack of donuts at Kwik Trip for what felt like a full minute but was hopefully more like ten seconds.



Donuts. Gone but not forgotten.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

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I’m eating chocolate chips as I write this. I put a bunch in my mouth and let them just sit in there for a while until they get nice and slightly melted and then just chew on the chocolatey, gooey mess. I’m a fat fucking bastard.

Okay. Chocolate chips have been put down. Let’s do this.



One of the resolutions I made in my Resolusplosion this year was to put down the fucking cookies for five goddamn seconds. I haven’t really been doing a good job with that (i.e. today’s chocolate chip breakfast). It’s really easy for me to justify grabbing a gas station donut if I’m going to be cleaning carpets all day and I have no problem grabbing treats at a party. I figure I’m working hard and since I’m not drinking this can be my one little vice but I’m still a big tub of lard.



Some of you remember that I first made a pledge to stop cramming treats in my mouth after I went to jail for a night and my jail bracelet told me I was 269 pounds. Since then I’ve gotten better with my eating habits and brought my weight down to about 240 but I still got plenty of man boob and since I’ve started a labor intensive job my eating habits fell back into old patterns. I haven’t gained any weight but I also haven’t lost any more. There are plenty of sweets to be blamed but the biggest offender for me is the gas station donut –



so tasty.

so tasty.





They’re so tasty, they’re at every gas station and they’re incredibly cheap (every 7th is free at Super America with my Speedy Rewards card and trust me, I’ve had plenty of free donuts). One time I had five donuts in a single day. That’s probably something like 250,000 calories. I haven’t looked it up but it’s probably close.



I hate to do this but I’m going to have to say goodbye to the donuts. No more, even if somebody brings them into the office. I’m already working out all the time but I won’t lose any fat if I keep cramming donuts down my throat.



Goodbye, Super America chocalate filled long johns. So long, Holiday old fashioned donuts that are 2 for $1.29. Farewell, triple chocolate bismark at Kwik Trip. I’ll be sure to wave to you when I’m buying a banana or whatever at the gas station.