Tag Archives: customer service

Customer Service.

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There’s been a lot of news stories lately about how Best Buy is going in the shitter. Whether it’s the Star Trib. reporting that they couldn’t fill customer’s online orders for Christmas (some placed on the day after Thanksgiving) or the fact that their sales actually declined in December. Forbes even put out an Op-Ed basically stating they’re pretty much going out of businness and not because online retailers are scooping up all their business but because their customer service is shit.



The Forbes article goes into great detail about how the website is awful and going into the store is a nightmare. You’re confronted with employees who don’t have any answers to questions you may have but instead try to sell you some service that you don’t even want.


I really identified with that part of the article not because I’ve been harassed by “customer service” people trying to sell me useless bullshit but because I’ve been that “customer service ” person trying to sell people useless bullshit.


The last job I had for a major media company (doing the obligatory “not naming names” thing even though nobody reads this) I was a “cable tv support specialist” but really I was just a salesperson that kind of knew how to fix cable tv.


We sold three things, tv (which they already had if they were talking to me but could always upgrade), internet and home phone. I was told that my primary job was to resolve technical issues for people that called in but I never had a monthly quota for “resolved issues”. My quota, commission and job hinged on selling people internet and home phone.


The internet was easy enough to sell because I’m an internet junkie and the internet I was selling was the best but land lines? I might as well be trying to sell fucking pagers to these people. I haven’t had a land line in any place I’ve lived for nine years. I’m pretty sure you can say the same for almost anybody under the age of 35. Even though home phone is quite quickly going the way of the dodo I still had to sell as many phone lines as internet accounts.


We were given a bunch of little tips and tricks to sell the phone lines. “Probing questions” to ask, “features and benefits” to talk about, advantages over cell phones etc. One advantage over cell phones we were told to push on the phone line was the E911 service. E911 is a feature for home phones that allows your name and address to automatically pop up on the 911 dispatcher’s computer when you call. Not all cell phones have that or may have a previous address. We were told to ask if the customer had a family and if so, they know how safety is a priority yada yada. I flat out refused to use that tactic. I didn’t sell a lot of phone lines.


The point here is that Best Buy is not the only company to use cross selling and overly personal questions as a “customer service” sales tactic and this trend isn’t going to stop anytime soon. This tactic apparently works to some extent, that’s why so many corporations are adopting it and if Best Buy’s sales keep dipping it’s only going to get more and more aggressive. In fact, if any Best Buy executive is reading this, here’s a sales script you can adopt in the near future(if you don’t go bankrupt) that I whipped up for you, free of charge.


BEST BUY: Welcome to Best Buy. Before you look at anything would you like to get a protection plan for it?

CUSTOMER: Actually, I just want to buy some batteries so if you could let me through.

BB: I’m sorry but company policy states that I can’t let you in the store unless you’re completely aware of everything we have to offer for you to give you the best experience! So would you like a protection plan for those batteries? We have three tiers of protection for every –

C: What? No. I don’t want a protection plan for my batteries. They’re batteries.

BB: I understand where you’re coming from but if you just want to pay 4.99 a month we could-

C: Please just let me in the store to buy some batteries.

BB: Okay, don’t want the Battery Protection Plan. It’s not for everybody. Now I’m guessing you’re not buying batteries for your battery collection so may I ask what you’re powering?

C: They’re for a remote control. Please let me through.

BB: Hey, a remote control! Would that be for your Toshiba HDTV or your Nintendo Wii?

C: How did you know I own those?

BB: Did a quick retinal scan, pulled up your purchase history. This helps us to better serve your needs as a customer.

C: I just… wait. What’s that?

BB: Oh, this? Just a baseball bat I had lying around. I like to keep it with me to show customers the full benefit of signing up for our service protection plans. To better help illustrate this I’ll use this Toshiba HDTV, much like the one you purchased from us. Now we all hope that nothing ever happens to our home electronics but if you signed up for our service protection plan you could fix your TV at no cost even if somebody took a baseball bat to it! Allow me to demonstrate.

C: You know what? I’m just going to back away slowly and then run to my car and buy some batteries at the gas station.

BB: Okay then. Thanks for choosing Best Buy! We know where you live!

Happy Festivus and Holiday Greeting Butthurt

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Today, according to Wikipedia, is Festivus. Festivus was an “actual” holiday made up by the dad of one of the writers for Seinfeld. The actual Festivus and the Seinfeld one are pretty much in name only but let’s not let that stop us from erecting the Festivus pole, airing our grievances and wrestling on the floor. A Festivus for the rest of us but enough about that. Let’s talk about Christmas.


I celebrate Christmas. I really don’t consider myself a Christian (I consider myself a conscientious objector when it comes to religion) but most everybody in my family is Christian and I like presents and cookies so fuck it. Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays. Seasons greetings. Whatever.


It seems like I can’t win with some people on how I wish them a happy whatever (I’ve actually started using “happy whatever” as my holiday greeting). This stupid issue about people being offended over holiday greetings has gone on so long that it’s been satirized in fucking cellphone commercials

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73vcbde8Cb8?rel=0&w=420&h=315]

That was from four years ago and I still see news stories on Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays bullshit.


It really sucked when I worked in customer service. I was always encouraged to say “Happy Holidays” but would always offend a few old people (it’s always fucking old people) because I didn’t wish them a Merry Christmas. Here’s how the end of a typical conversation would go down.

ME: Thanks for calling whatever company I’m working for at the moment and Happy Holidays.
CUST: Happy Holidays? It’s Christmas! You know, you people used to be able to say “Merry Christmas” before you went all PC. Don’t you celebrate Christmas?
ME: Yes I do, sir.
CUST: Then why don’t you say “Merry Christmas”?
ME: Well, I can’t be sure if you celebrate Christmas, sir (I actually had to have a meeting with my manager once because I responded by saying “you could be a Satanist for all I know”. Turns out you don’t get in less trouble if you piss off the customer in a funny way).


It goes both ways, too. I’ve offended non Christians by saying “Merry Christmas”. It’s a fucking zero sum game with you jackasses.


Here’s the deal. When I say “Merry Christmas”, “Happy Holidays”, “Merry Whatever” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (my personal invention. Trying to get it to catch on. Spread the word), I’m just trying to be nice. That’s all it is. Anybody giving whatever kind of holiday greeting is just trying to be nice and the people who are offended are all missing the fucking point. I’m just trying to be nice to you.


It’s alright, though. I’ve come up with a solution and anybody who has watched stand up comedy before knows that comedians always have the best solutions for social issues. The next time I offer any holiday greeting and somebody bitches at me because I didn’t offer their specific holiday greeting, I’m going to hug them.


No words. I’m just going to walk up and hug them super hard. Both arms. Not even the “guy hug” where you pat them on the back while you do it. Full on hug. Just gonna keep on hugging until I get a reaction. Sure, I’ll probably get a few people that shove me off and call me a fag or something but I’m guessing most people will be too thrown off by the surprise hug to react at first. After they realize what’s happening to them they’ll probably start crying. It takes a lot of hurt inside somebody to bristle at a stranger offering a nice greeting and once that all finally comes to the surface there’s gonna be tears. I’ll just hug them harder and say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” or “Hanukkah Mattata” (seriously I think Hanukkah Mattata could work. Please use it as often as possible).


I want you to do this, too. The next time you offer out a holiday greeting to a stranger and they get all pissy with you just hug them. I honestly feel like if everybody does this we can eradicate Holiday Greeting Butthurt in our lifetime. Then we can all get back to celebrating Kwanzaa in peace.