After writing about the DMV hell I went through I went back to the Hennepin County Service Center for the fourth day in a row and everything went smoothly. In and out in ten minutes. While I was relieved to finally get this passport stuff taken care of a small part of me was disappointed that the end of the story was so anticlimactic. No terrorists, ninjas, wendigos. Just me and an old lady and a bunch of forms.

Now that I have successfully applied for a passport I can now go to Mexico for the Akumal Comedy Festival sponsored by Stand Up! Records. This will be the first time I have ever visited a foreign country that isn’t Canada and I’m a little concerned that my Spanish is rusty.

By “rusty” I mean “I took Spanish in high school for two years, got a ‘D’ every semester and haven’t spoken a word of it since”.

Granted, I’ll be spending my time at a tourist resort with a bunch of other Americans and whatnot but what if I get lost? What if I find myself in a place where nobody speaks english? I’d like to brush up on my conversational Spanish before the trip in April but when I google “conversational spanish”, the websites all give me lame ass phrases like –



¿Qué tal ha estado Ud.? How have you been?

¿Cuál es la especialidad del día? What is the special today?

¿Me trae helado, por favor? May I have some ice cream, please?

“May I have some ice cream, please?” Seriously? I need phrases that I’m going to actually use when I’m in Mexico. Thank God for google translator. Let’s translate some useful phrases, shall we?

¿Es esto realmente la comida? ¿Puedo comer esto sin diarrea explosiva? Is this actually food? Can I eat this without getting explosive diarrhea?

Treinta dólares en el pollo en la esquina! Tiene los ojos de un asesino. Thirty dollars on the chicken in that corner! He’s got a killer’s eyes.

Deja la botella. Tengo que tomar la imagen del burro que mostrar fuera de mi cráneo. Leave the bottle. I need to drink the image of that donkey show out of my skull.

No sé lo que has dicho a mí, pero tan pronto como he terminado de beber la botella de tequila me voy a romper por encima de su cara de tonto.. I don’t know what you just said to me but as soon as I’m done drinking this bottle of tequila I’m going to smash it over your stupid face.

¿Quién está tratando de volver loco con, friend? ¿No sabes que estoy crazy? Who you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don’t you know I’m loco?

Hey, todos somos amigos aquí. No hay necesidad de armas de fuego. Hey, we’re all friends here. There’s no need for guns.

Por favor, no hagas esto. Tengo una familia. Please don’t do this. I have a family.

¿A dónde me llevas? Tome esta venda de los ojos! No se puede hacer esto a mí! Soy un blanco, varón americano! Where are you taking me? Take this blindfold off! You can’t do this to me! I’m a white, male American!

Que me dejen ir si puedo hacer esto para usted? ¿Qué pasa si los globos estalló cuando están en el colon? You’ll let me go if I do this for you? What if the balloons burst when they’re in my colon?

Por favor, llévame al hospital. El recto está lleno de narcóticos. Please take me to the hospital. My rectum is full of narcotics.

That should take care of it. I just hope I don’t need to visit the library. I totally forgot how to ask where that is.

Stereotypes!