Let me start by explaining that I’m scared of police. Pathologically scared. I don’t know what it is but even when I’m completely law abiding (98% of the time) I just tense up when around a uniformed cop. It’s weird but some people are afraid of clowns so don’t judge me. Judge them.

I spent the evening last night at Drink! in uptown. Not exactly my scene but my friend Brian was hosting trivia and I was learning the ropes to fill in for him next week. Two of the tips I was given was “just talk over the drunks” and “pretend there’s way more people in here than there actually is.” So basically this is going to be a standard stand up comedy show.

I watched Brian do his thing, chatted and drank some of my favorite kind of beer (free!) and walked home, stopping at Rainbow to pick up a few things on the way. I was two blocks from Rainbow with a grocery bag in each hand when I realized something. I had to pee.

I really had to pee. Bad. This was something that needed to be taken care of. I couldn’t walk back to Rainbow. I was lugging 20 pounds of groceries and already two blocks away. Pee needed to get out of me and in a few minutes it wouldn’t care if pants were obstructing it’s path. I looked around. No dark alleys in this part of uptown, just well lit new condos and open lots. I then realized I was standing right near an entrance to the Greenway Bike trail.

I didn’t want to go completely down to the trail because that’s where the homeless sleep. If they see me pee down there they might think I’m trying to mark their territory and attack me. The entrance, however, was half a block long and sloped downward. I took a few steps in, low enough to be out of sight from the street level but close enough to the street to run if the underdwellers smelled my fear. I unzipped and let nature take it’s course. That’s when the sirens blared.

Two cop cars a block away light up and drove in opposite directions. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. How did they see me? I stopped mid stream (which you’re totally not supposed to do) grabbed my groceries and ran to the street. I started thinking of excuses or alibis or something to tell them. Do I lie? They couldn’t have had a good look at me. “He ran that way, officer! Smelled like piss, he did!”. That could work. I’m carrying groceries. That’s respectable. “Just bringing some groceries to my home, which has a perfectly working bathroom that I use like a normal person.” I was so busy thinking of what to say it took me a full two minutes to realize that the cops were gone. I calmed down and kept walking, confident that I just got away with the crime of the century. I turned the corner onto 28th street and was greeted by five cop cars, blocking the street and right sidewalk with their lights on.

“Fuck!” I thought. “They’ve set up a blockade! I’m going to jail and the groceries are going to spoil and Jen’s going to have to bail me out and I’m going to get a lecture and some guy’s going to make me his bitch in jail. Not if I make him my bitch first. The second I get in there I need to establish dominance. I’m not that kind of person but this is prison and you do what you need to do to survive.” I walked toward the blockade, ready to turn myself in when I noticed that a car was pulled over. Oh thank god. It’s somebody else just getting a ticket or something. I walked by and the driver looked at me and kind of giggled. I don’t blame her. That’s a scary situation and fear makes you react in strange ways.

I got home and ran to the bathroom to finish the job I started on the Greenway trail. I went to unzip my pants and I realized the reason that girl was laughing was because my fly was down.