The Huffington Post reported that The McRib is returning nationally through Nov. 14th. The article goes on about the McRib’s “cult-like following” inspired by the sandwich’s sporadic appearances in various McDonalds’ locations. There’s even a honest to god fucking McRib locator map where people can find the nearest McDonald’s with a McRib and go on a goddamn roadtrip (there’s even a forum where you can discuss such topics as “How many McRibs have you eaten?”)

While the cult following is hard enough to explain, the bigger question is “why isn’t it always available?” Why only release it in certain stores rarely release it nationally? Marta Fearon, McDonald’s US Marketing Director said it “adds to the excitement” but I know the real story about it’s limited availability.

We all know that the current Ronald McDonald isn’t the first. The mantle of The Ronald has been handed down from generation to generation. Only the most worthy of clowns may put on the yellow jumpsuit and lead millions of young children to obesity. Such a weighty responsibility isn’t rewarded without a test, though and every potential Ronald must complete the task of killing The Grimace.

pure evil

Anytime the reigning Ronald is felled in the field due to massive cocaine overdose or gunfight (the only two ways a Ronald has ever died), hundreds of possible Ronalds are called to McDonald’s corporate headquarters.  Dozens arrive in the same tiny car that you think could barely fit one as they gather to hear the CEO deliver the official news.   He stands over his balcony and bellows “ONE OF YOU ARE THE NEXT RONALD.  PROVE IT TO ME, YOUR KING, BY BRINGING ME THE CORPSE OF THE GRIMACE!”

The crowd of clowns roar as the bloodlust overtakes them.  They storm McDonaldland mountain where the Grimace lies in wait in a cave at it’s peak.  blood flows down the mountainside in streams as the grimace tears through clown after clown with his razor sharp claws.  The stench of death is almost overwhelming as the bodies pile up and the cave fills with the sounds of screaming clowns, cracking bones and squeaking noses.  This will last for days as each clown hurls himself at The Grimace hoping for the ultimate prize until finally one succeeds.  Victorious, the man who would be Ronald straps the 2000 pound corpse to a sled and takes him down the mountains to corporate headquarters.  

Once he presents the bloody corpse to the CEO, a quick criminal background check is performed, a urine sample is submitted and some tax forms are filled out. If the urine comes back drug free the world has a new Ronald McDonald. To celebrate, the corpse of the Grimace is processed and sold nationally as The McRib.

Eat up, America!