Tag Archives: chuck norris

What the Fuck Happened With Mitt Romney?

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Not once this year have I been worried that Mitt Romney would win this election. There have been moments that I’ve heard people defend some awful thing he’s said that made me scratch my head but never have I thought he could actually win this thing. Obama’s got this, plain and simple.

Despite my confidence in Obama winning this election, Mitt’s been at least holding his own so far but the last couple of weeks he seemed to transform from a somewhat viable candidate to a completely unelectable mess of a ruthless capitalist –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EsxNYXW5i8&w=560&h=315]



with a complete disdain for half of the country –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvqHERTcytI&w=560&h=315]



who either doesn’t know how healthcare works for the uninsured or doesn’t care –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOWzn6JCmEo&w=560&h=315]



and somehow has fallen under the shadow of his charismatic running mate –



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclDiN-lcYE&w=560&h=315]



Dude… what the fuck? I knew he was going down but I didn’t expect him to shoot himself in the foot this badly.



Listen, I keep telling you guys I’m horrible at photoshop. Whatever. You get the joke here.





I’m starting to feel bad for the poor guy. A recent guardian poll that utilizes an odd infographic of the two candidates holding balloons shows Obama securing 319 electoral votes to Romney’s 191 (with 12 electoral votes up for grabs). Why is Mitt still doing this? Why does he push on with all the polls against him, when every time he opens his mouth he says something dumber and more out of touch? Who does he have in his corner that gives him the confidence to keep doing this?



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ud3pK5Wa90&w=560&h=315]



Boom. Chuck Norris backs Romney.



Well, he doesn’t exactly back Romney. In fact, he didn’t even mention his name the entire video. He just implied that you shouldn’t vote for Obama because of socialism and 1,000 years of darkness.



Seriously, Mitt Romney can’t even get some wacky conservative like Chuck Norris to back him completely and Chuck Norris backed Mike Huckabee in 2008!



[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDUQW8LUMs8&w=420&h=315]



Poor Mitt. I’d feel bad for him if he wasn’t a greed fueled robot hell bent on forcing everyone in America to wear magic underwear.


New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit.

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Oh shit it’s gonna be 2012 in a couple of days, kids! Come Sunday everybody will be all hungover and talking about all the improvements they’re going to make in their life this year. 2012 is gonna be the year that we’re all going to do it right! According to wikipedia, the five most popular resolutions this year are

*Be financially-savvy.
*Read at least one book per month.
*Eat properly.
*Get enough sleep.
*Keep a journal of awesome moments.

Alright. If the way you’re going to improve your life is by sleeping more you either have no problems or hate putting effort into things and keeping a journal of awesome moments sounds exactly like something a person that is the exact opposite of awesome would do.


New Year’s Resolutions are supposed to be making an actual change in your life for the better, not napping. If you want some actual resolutions here’s some suggestions.


Become addicted to crack. Beat crack addiction.
I feel like if you can overcome crack addiction you can overcome pretty much anything.


Beat up Chuck Norris.
Think about it. He’s 71 years old. I’m pretty sure you can take him by now.

This picture was taken in 1910. That's why it's in black and white. He had to stand like that for ten minutes for the camera to take the picture.




Get a Guinness World Record in something.
Breaking a world record sounds pretty hard but you can probably just make a world record nobody’s thought of yet like “most pencils in nose” or “longest bellybutton” (I actually don’t know how you’d go about making your belly button longer). this guy holds the record for most records set at over 300 and most of them are just stuff like “underwater pogosticking” and “doing front rolls (somersaults) for 12 miles”.


Build a Zepplin
All you need is some helium balloons and a lawn chair. That’s what Larry Walters did. Be careful though. He ended up committing suicide several years later so maybe he saw something up there in the clouds…

I have actually wanted to do this for a long time.




So there you go, people. Do any one of these or, even better, do them all! When your local newspaper reports that “Former crack addict and world record holding balloonist (insert your name here) assaults Martial Arts legend Chuck Norris” you can cut it out and put it in your journal of awesome moments. Have a happy new year.