Tag Archives: canada

A Warm Greeting in a Cold State

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For the readers not in Minnesota, it’s cold outside. I mean, really cold out. I mean, it’s holy shit balls cold outside. The temp is -9°F with a wind chill of -31°F. There are severe wind chill warnings and suggestions in red to limit outdoor exposure.

Look, Canada. We get it. You’re tougher than us. You’re so tough that you had nothing to prove and named your towns things that sound silly in English but mean things like “majestic eagle” and “dancing doe” in other languages. You’re so tough that Wawa, Ontario (Ojibwe: “wild goose”) has the same exact temp and windchill, and historically speaking, today is “a little on the chilly side.”

The town of Wawa, as seen from the other side of Lake Wawa.

The town of Wawa, as seen from the other side of Lake Wawa.

But to the rest of America, Minnesota right now is the frozen wasteland that we imagine Wawa to be. Minnesotans cultivate this “tough as nails” persona because it’s the only way we can justify staying here. While California today is complaining about 33°F, Minnesota is shouting Minnesota nice (there’s seriously a wikipedia article on MN nice) at them, like “do you need us to bring you a sweater?” secretly hoping they say yes so we have an excuse to go to a place where the temperature is above freezing.

Minnesotan’s also have a habit of saying the phrase “cold enough for ya?” It’s like we’re daring each other to give up and go back to nicer climates. And because we’re stubborn bastards, we’re all still here, on a bet that we can’t hack it.

If you can't take the cold, get out of the freezer!

If you can’t take the cold, get out of the freezer!

I used to live in North Minneapolis. It’s known as a “bad neighborhood” which is unfair to the good parts of North, but there are some pretty scary pockets. I was living in one of these scary pockets, possibly the worst (Jordan neighborhood, for those in the know) and one particularly bitter winter day, I needed to go grocery shopping. So I went to my local store, purchased the needed items, and headed towards the exit. On either side of the door were two urban youth. And by that, I mean young men dressed in the kind of clothes you picture when I say “gangsta rappa.”

And only one of them was black. Way to be racist on Martin Luther King Jr day, asshole.

Anyway, I see these two guys, and I’m thinking “well shit. I’m about to get harassed.” Not because they’re men, or even that they’re urban youth. But because they are dudes in that particular neighborhood at that particular store where I had been harassed by dudes 100 times before on exiting. Somehow they always seem to know that I have a sweet ass, even under my 20 layers of winter clothing and knee-length winter coat.

So I brace myself. I walk out the door, and sure enough, I get hailed by one of the urban youth. “Yo,” he says, and as I turn to look him in the eye, he adds “cold enough for ya?”

Canadian Porn

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So I went up to Canadaland last weekend to tell some jokey jokes for the Canadiaites of Thunder Bay. The shows were fun and the town was super chill. I spent Saturday driving around eating all the candy bars that aren’t available in the States and checking out their many, many doughnut shops.



They seriously love doughnuts up there.



When I got back to the place I was staying I parked a block away due to parking restrictions and I saw a porn store.



Either in Canada they use four “x”s instead of three or there was already an “EXXXtacy Video” and they couldn’t think of another name.





I had to check it out. This was my second time in Canada (the first was on a family camping trip when I was in high school) and there was so much about their culture I didn’t know. Maybe Canadian porn was different? I didn’t know. A part of me was hoping to walk in and find something like “Lesbian Lumberjacks!”, “Maple Syrup Sluts!” and “Mounting Mounties!” (alternate name for Mountie porn: “Dudley Do-Her”).



So I step into the store and of course it’s pretty much like a porn store in the States. A bunch of videos, magazines, toys and a giant case full of glass pipes that are “for tobacco use only”. My work here is done but I figured it would look weird to just step into the store for two seconds so I start looking around at the…merchandise. I start looking at all the pipes and bongs in the back of the store because I figure I’d rather be seen as a stoner than a perv. While I’m browsing their wares the manager comes up and ask if he can help me with anything. I tell him that I’m just browsing but he says if a customer’s looking at the pipes he has to be there with them.



We start chatting. Just various small talk stuff. Even the porn shop owners in Canada are super polite. When he asks where I’m from I tell him I’m from Minneapolis and I’m doing comedy shows down the street. His face lights up and he starts talking about how he loves comedy so we talk about that for a little bit.



We make our way back up to the front as we’re talking about stand up and he starts telling me a story about how he saw Andrew “Dice” Clay in Vegas a few years back.



“So Dice is up there on stage, right? He looks down to the audience and sees this couple up front and says to the guy ‘That your wife? She’s got some big tits.’ He’s so good at workin’ the crowd, ya know?”



At this point a middle aged couple walked in the door. They haven’t heard any of our conversation before this point. The manager keeps talking.



“SO HE’S JUST GIVING IT TO THE GIRL WITH THE TITS FOR, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT! Oh, man! It was brutal!”



The couple looks at me like I’m the biggest perv in the world. I don’t blame them. It pretty much looked like I was asking the porn shop owner to describe one of the videos to me in great detail. I laughed and said “Andrew Dice Clay said that at the comedy show!” and the owner gave me this confused look like I was some weirdo that just shouts out what the other person in a conversation is talking about.



I make my way out and he tells me I can feel free to talk about his shop on stage that night and I tell him I might stop by the next day after I get paid to pick up a toy for the wife or something. I didn’t come back, though. Partly because they didn’t open until 11AM and I had to get on the road but partly because I had to spend all my pay on Canadian candy and ketchup flavored Lays.

They’re actually pretty good.

O, Canada!

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I just found out that I’ll be doing a couple of shows in Thunder Bay, Ontario next month. In the 11 years I’ve been doing this jokey thing I’ve never left the country and now I’m gonna hit two foreign lands in three months. Maybe this will be the start of a new trend for me. Hopefully I’ll be big in central European countries that are known for their chocolate.



Any Belgian club owners can contact me at bill@youngnotions.com for booking info.



While going to Mexico was a bit of a culture shock for me Canada should be a walk in the park. I went to Thunder bay one time in high school and as a Minnesotan I’m pretty much almost Canadian anyway. In fact, a couple of years ago my friend Mike Brody (who just released a comedy album through Rooftop Records. CLICK HERE TO BUY IT, YA JERKS) traveled to Canada for shows. Since he had never been to the country before, I sent him this email to help him along on his international journey.




Greetings, old friend. I understand that this is your first time in Canada. Visiting a foreign land can be strange and confusing so, as somebody who went to Thunder Bay on a family camping trip once when he was 17, I think I can tell you all you need to know to get by in our northerly neighbor of Canadia.



1. Eskimos: Don’t call them Eskimos. You’re going to see a lot of dark skinned men in parkas holding a spear that has a fish on the end of it. You will see these men and women living in igloos and using dogsleds as their primary means of transportation. DO NOT CALL THEM ESKIMOS. They’re Inuit. Calling them Eskimos is like calling black people the “n” word in the real world.



2. Poutine: You’ve had poutine at the HOC but Rick may not have told you that due to FDA regulations, what you’ve had was a watered down, diluted poutine solution. Much like absinthe or black metal, poutine is much stronger in foreign countries. Stay away from it. It will kill you.



3. Mounties: Don’t make fun of them. They’re not like the Canadian version of those Buckingham Palace guards who can’t move. They will throw down.

Seriously. This pic was from the wikipedia page for "Mounties". They'll fuck your shit up.





4. Your comedy: Doesn’t matter what you say, just wear a dress while you’re saying it.



5. The White Witch: She’s turned Canada into a land where it’s always winter but never Christmas. You must build an army with Aslan to defeat her. Do this, and you will be named the king of Canada.



For more information on Canada, talk to anybody near you because you are in Canada.

Brokeback Iceberg

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Buddy was a bachelor. He had been all his life. He felt out of place living in a society that told him that a man and a woman are supposed to mate for life and have children. He pushed others away, always with the crowd but in solitude. It wasn’t until a trip to Toronto that he met Pedro that he felt like he could even connect with anybody.



Nearly 10 years younger than Buddy, Pedro was a bit naive but had a lust for life that drew Buddy in and kept him captivated. They hit it off right away, discovering they shared passions for things like swimming and sushi. They started doing everything together. Their bond grew and eventually they spent the night together.



Ever since then they spent every night together. People could tell immediately that they were a couple the way they made braying sounds, defended their territory and made a nest together. They were a pair of gay African penguins and they didn’t care who knew.

"Let them judge us, I don't care! Also, SQUACK!"




While one would think that this union wouldn’t be frowned upon in gay friendly Canada, the Toronto Zoo has recently decided to seperate them so they can breed with females. Unfortunately, African penguins are an endangered species and they have a responsibility to keep their race alive.


This is unconscionable. The Toronto Zoo is interfering with true love and while The Center for Functional and Evolutionary Biology reported that penguins exhibit same sex pair bonding when there’s a shortage of females but will mate when females are present, the commentors on the articles about Pedro and Buddy put out a much more compelling argument.

“They should just leave them together – this is like forced marriage..­. They are happy, don’t disrupt their happiness.” – Eddyfrankjack on The Huffington Post.

“hope they use those sharp beaks of theirs and bite off something from the zookeepers. It would be well deserved, that’s what I would do if someone tried to separate me from my true love.” C.L. on The Daily Mail.

“Just leave the penguins alone. If they really are “gay”, then you will break their hearts, I hear they mate for life, maybe not this species. They are also not going to want anything to do with a female so their goal of creating more African Penguins will result in nothing more then a longing male and an embittered female.” AndrewSix on time.com.

“Penguins mate for life!” Holy shit like everybody on every article a thousand times.



I’m sorry, Toronto Zoo but I’m going to have to side with the people that heard a single fact about penguins while absentmindedly watching the discovery channel one time which is why I will not rest until Canada allows gay penguins to marry.


Please, Canadian readers, call whatever your equivalent to a congressman is and tell them to vote yes on Prop 319 to allow gay penguin marriage. Buddy and Pedro deserve to be happy, endangered species be damned.