Hey kids- I hate to be the bearer of bad news. I really don’t want to tell you. But since Bill is on his mini-vacation from the blog, and because it’s a thing that’s happened in the news, I’m going to have to be the one to tell you of this tragic event.

Sears Holdings (parent company of Sears (duh) and K-mart) will be closing 100-120 of its stores due to a large drop in holiday profits.

This is horrible for two reasons. 1) Where are all those poor people going to go for their poor people things? Like clothing that doesn’t fit right and/or is skanky, bulk generic Ramen, or toys that will fall apart the instant they try to play with them? Are we going to see poor people flock to Targets like a perpetual black Friday (not a race joke)? AM I GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS CUTTING THROUGH THE MASSES OF GHETTO GIRLS TO GET TO THOSE ADORABLE TOE SOCKS WITH THE STRIPES THAT ARE HALF OFF???

Don't come between me and reduced price toe socks.

I might have to mingle with people with less money than I have. I might have to acknowledge their right to shop along side me, as if their socio-economic class meant nothing to who they are as individuals.

No. Fuck that. I’m going to continue with my class warfare. I’m going to fight for my right to feel superior to others based on their income. I’m going to march for my right to look down on others because a person’s financial situation is never affected by outside influences, because people live in vacuums where their hard work is all that contributes to their income, and bad luck never affects anyones standard of living.

I’m going to march those poverty stricken so-n-sos out of my store and into a Wal-Mart. Where they belong.

Oh! The second horrible thing? Sears thought people were still shopping there. I’m pretty sure no one’s set foot in a Sears store in years, and any shoppers there are just the ghosts of old people looking for appliances and socket wrenches.