When I started doing stand up AGES ago, a local female comedian that I rather admire told me that I had huge balls. I took it for the compliment it was. And really, stand up is a ridiculous beast that I never did master… I still dabble in it sometimes, but we never really connected, stand up and I.

Though, I did manage to get myself a husband out of the deal.

But let’s look at the compliment itself. Having balls. Huge balls. Large, dangly balls.

Dudes seem to be super proud of their balls. I’ve had various guy friends whip out their balls to show them to me. Not in a sexual way. Just a “dude- look at how big my balls are” kind of way. I always assure them that yes, their balls were in fact very large. Like telling a 5 year old that yes, spinning on one foot is a really neat “trick.”

I don’t get it.

I mean, they just sit there doing nothing. They keep sperm cool, and I don’t mean like little wiggly tadpoles with sunglasses. But that’s their only function… to make sure the delicate seed of life doesn’t get too hot and keeps swimming. Other than that, they’re just mostly sensitive pain sacks that guys wish would have played with from time to time.

There’s a quote that gets passed around Facebook that reads

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.”

It’s often attributed to Betty White, but she claims she never said it, and instead says that comedian Sheng Wang is the original author.

No matter who said it, people still attribute balls to things that are manly and strong, and people keep claiming to have the biggest balls. But they’re all wrong.

Meet Wesley Warren, otherwise known as The Man With the 132 lb. Scrotum. Yes, he has a show airing on TLC about his balls. He apparently injured them, and they just started growing till they got to the size of, well, ME.

Now, gentlemen. Can well all just admit defeat, put our balls away, and get back to our dick measuring contest?