Obama Needs to Stop Giving Hitler Such a Hard Time

President Muslim McCommie has been compared to Hitler quite a bit by conservatives who don’t like him. He’s been likened to Hitler



Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews?  Total Hitler clone.

Oh man remember that time Obama tried to exterminate all the Jews? Total Hitler clone.





He’s been called worse than Hitler, too. I’m sure there’s somebody out there that thinks Obama’s some sort of Hitler Voltron where five different Hitlers come together and form Obama.



Granted… it’s not like my team is completely innocent of Hitler comparisons –



When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.

When you think about it the conservatives are just ripping off the liberals of 6 year ago.





It’s an easy comparison to make. Hitler was the worst so comparing somebody to Hitler is really just saying they’re the worst. The imagery of the swastika and nazi salute stir up strong emotions in people and that shitty little mustache is really easy to photoshop onto a picture –



My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.

My photoshop skills are worse than Hitler.





The point is that Obama has been compared to Hitler in a lot of ways but up until last weekend nobody ever said he was too harsh on Hitler. Thankfully we have The National Review.



Last weekend the NR blog “The Corner” posted that Obama was way off the mark in calling the Holocaust “senseless”. Here’s just a little snippet from the post.



Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” By the early 1930s, the Nazi party had hundreds of thousands of devoted members and repeatedly attracted a third of the votes in German elections; its political leaders campaigned on a platform comprising 25 non-senseless points, including the “unification of all Germans,” a demand for “land and territory for the sustenance of our people,” and an assertion that “no Jew can be a member of the race.” Suffice it to say, many sensible Germans were persuaded.



…the fuck?



Seriously. I had to check to make sure the National Review wasn’t some shitty satire site because I’ve been fooled by that before (fuck you, Daily Currant!) but they’re serious. These people actually think the president shouldn’t have called the Holocaust “senseless” (which it was) because it made perfect sense to a bunch of Germans at the time. What? Are conservatives really so willing to bash Obama that they’ll say “Hitler’s ideas did kinda make sense” to do it?



I think I can say, without hyperbole, that NR writer Eliana Johnson is worse than VoltronHitler.

How to Save The U.S. Postal Service.

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these courageous couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. Tough luck getting your mail on Saturdays, though.



The U.S.P.S, which has been hemorrhaging money since the first email was sent, has announced that it’s no longer delivering mail on Saturdays due to it’s money problems.



You can blame the Post Office’s money woes on many different things but it’s pretty clear that the USPS can’t survive on it’s current business plan. To actually make a profit it would have to jack up the price of stamps astronomically and I’ve already got a bunch of those “forever” stamps anyway –



I've got like 10 of thes in my desk.  I'm set for life.

I’ve got like 10 of thes in my desk. I’m set for life.





If America wants to revive it’s dying postal service we’re going to need to take action. We’re going to need to act like our grandmothers.



People like my grandmothers (RE: Other grandmothers) have been propping up the postal service for decades with the practice of unnecessary mailing. Here’s just three ways that my grandma has used the mail when she hasn’t needed to.



Clipping out newspaper articles she thinks I’d like and then mailing them to me
Also keeping the ailing newspaper industry alive, my grandmother has a fresh paper delivered to her door daily. She clips out articles about stand up comedians in town and then mails them to me. She’s never mailed me any clips that have mentioned me (it’s happened a couple times!), it’s usually about some other comedian or an article about a comedy club in town. If it’s about another comedian, she’ll circle his/her name for some reason.



Demanding birthday cards
My grandmother loves having birthday cards mailed to her. She doesn’t like having birthday cards handed to her. They must be mailed. I’ve asked her about this. I live in the same city as her and have gone out with her on her birthday but she insists that I mail her a birthday card rather than hand one to her. Maybe getting a bunch of mail is like a status symbol in a nursing home. Like a full mailbox is the old person equivalent to having a lot of friends on facebook.



Mailing cards on unnecessary holidays
I’ll get Christmas cards from her even though I see her every Christmas. A birthday card even though I’ll see her almost every birthday. She even sends Valentine’s Day cards which is a little creepy but she’ll usually include some chocolates in that one so I don’t complain.



So there you go. If you want to save the USPS, just grandma it up!

THANKS, OBAMA

So on Sunday the lights went out in the Superdome for about 30 odd minutes and the world went online to post all their hilarious and original jokes about the blackout. I was no different. I posted on facebook –



Boom!  Take that, buzzfeed!

Boom! Take that, buzzfeed!





No more than ten minutes after I posted that, my friend Patrick commented on how buzzfeed buzzfeed already had a article up about people on twitter blaming the blackout on Obama. 13 tweets with people saying things like “I blame Obama” and “THANKS, OBAMA.”



Just one problem, though. As people have commented on the article and on my post, the whole “THANKS, OBAMA” thing is a meme.



Seriously. It’s a joke. It has it’s own entry in “Know Your Meme”. One of the tweets they screencapped for the article is actually from a comedian.



Now, I get that buzzfeed’s bread and butter is rounding up screencaps saying awful, stupid and racist things on twitter but they totally jumped the gun on this one and missed the joke. Has buzzfeed become so jaded that it can’t even recognize sarcasm anymore? If so, I totally have some articles I can submit to buzzfeed.



20 Rap Songs That Were Originally Written by an 18th Century French Painter
josephducreux



Top 500 Things Xzibit put In Other Things So People Could do Things While Doing Similar Things
yodawg



BREAKING NEWS: Bear Escaped From Zoo. Raping Children and Being Really Smug About it.
pedobear



Chuck Norris Apparently has Countless Amazing Superpowers. Here’s a List of the top 50.
chucknorris

On the Fringes of Society…

Last night, I was at the lottery drawing for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. This is the 20th year of the theater festival, and with it, the MN Fringe staff announced their new logo:

You see, the "I" in Fringe is an exclamation point, because it's exciting!

You see, the “I” in Fringe is an exclamation point, because it’s exciting!

Teasing aside, I love it. I mean, it’s no Wobbles, but that cat is gone, man. I need to learn to let it go.

For those who aren’t in the know, the Minnesota Fringe Festival is a large, unjuried theater festival that takes place in the Twin Cities every August.

Unjuried. Fringe throws that term around a lot, but let’s take a look at that. A lot of other Fringe Festivals have producers apply to their festival, and then a committee goes over the applications to decide which shows are going to get in. In Minnesota, instead of all that careful deliberation, we assign every application a number, put the number on a ping pong ball, throw those ping pong balls in one of those spinny cages, and randomly pull numbers out til all the spots in the Fringe Festival are filled. Then the rest are pulled and put on a wait list.

There are a lot of pros and cons to an unjuried festival. You get to see a lot of shows you might not otherwise get to see. Some of them might be utter garbage, but some might be hidden gems.

Also, our Fringe staff is pretty lazy, and deliberating over applications smacks of work. (Robin, this is a joke. Please don’t send that creepy penis guy from last year after me.)

This isn't the most penisy picture of him, but it's still rather dickish.

This isn’t the most penisy picture of him, but it’s still rather dickish.

But mostly, it gives us an opportunity to throw a party centered around the holy drawing of the ping pong balls. There’s boozing and schmoozing. It’s a decent sized elbow rubbing affair.

Jesse trying to rub elbows. Picture by Rob Callahan, who usually does a much better job with his investigative reporting.

Jesse trying to rub elbows. Picture by Rob Callahan, who usually does a much better job with his investigative reporting.

The lottery number were pulled, and a lot of my friends got in. Our Fearless Fringe Sponsorship winner Jakey Emmert got in (and I am ridiculously excited for him). Denson and Young got in. Rooftop Theater got in. Six Elements got in. Navel Gaze got in. Snikt! Bamf! Thwip! is 19th on the waitlist. The YoungNotions “not a musical” is #88 on the waitlist, so maybe.

In 2009, I first applied to the Fringe, and my number was pulled for a slot. I was sitting next to Ari Hoptman, who had applied for 4 years in a row without getting his number pulled. But this year, his 5th year trying, his number got called too! Hooray and excitement! We all get to produce! Everyone wins!

Since then, my ping pong ball has been so far down on the waitlist even Robin tells me there no hope. Usually somewhere between 20 and 7 from the end of the waitlist. It happened to me in 2010, but that was okay, as I had a wedding to produce. In 2011 when I didn’t get drawn, I ended up doing Highlander: the Musical instead. Last year when my number was at the end of the waitlist, I already had a couple possibilities lined up, and ended up participating in 3 different shows.

Every year I hope it will be different. But no. That solo show that I’ve put in for faithfully every year for the past 4 years? It’s #197 on the waitlist.

Who the hell doesn’t get drawn for Fringe 4 years in a row? I mean, aside from Ari Hoptman

Ari Hoptman. That sneaky son of a bitch. HE PASSED ON HIS CURSE TO ME!!!!!!!!!! When we were sitting next to each other, he gave me the curse so he could get in! And he seems like such a nice guy…

Ah well. There’s always next year.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Drinking!

It’s Monday so let’s have a look at one of the umpteen resolutions I made this year and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to talk about #3 on my list. No alcohol for the year.



I figured this one was going to be a little tough for me. I do enjoy drinking. A lot of my friends enjoy drinking. Stand up comedy usually takes place in a bar and comedians usually get free drinks. While the challenges were numerable this has been one of the easier ones to keep. I went the whole month of January without drinking and I have to say, I could start to feel the health benefits that come with it. I dropped a few pounds, I had more energy and didn’t feel like shit if I didn’t get a lot of sleep. No hangovers and no gut troubles. There are plenty of advantages to not drinking.



Then again, the downside to not drinking is that you don’t get to be drunk so I decided to briefly break my resolution Saturday when I went out to a show and a going away party for a buddy. I had 32 days under my belt, I figured what’s the harm in drinking one night?



There’s lot’s of harm. Just heaping piles of steaming harm.



I woke up Sunday morning after a full 8 1/2 hours of sleep feeling like I just got ran over. I have had hangovers of all sizes before but this was the first time where my muscles ached. My whole body screamed out in pain like I had gone to the gym for the first time in my life and really overdid it.



That’s the thing about booze. You need that tolerance to deal with the negative effects as you get older. I find myself drinking less and less just because the hangovers are hitting me harder and harder and I’m packing weight on easier and easier. If I’m ever at some dive bar in Northeast Minneapolis and see those 65+ year old dudes at the bar just pounding them back I always wonder how they can handle all the booze at that age when I’m having trouble with it at 30 and the answer is they don’t stop drinking. Their tolerance has just been climbing and climbing with them over the years to keep pace with their age. I don’t think I can do that.



I originally thought I’d take monthly breaks from my drinking resolution but now I’m not so sure. Not drinking might just keep me from drinking this year.

Young and Fearless!

Hey, there! Jena and I are putting together a new sketch show in April for Fearless Comedy Productions called Young and Fearless!



My logo idea of me in a diaper was shot down pretty fast.

My logo idea of me in a diaper was shot down pretty fast.





Me and the wife will host the shindig, internationally renowned folk troubadors Denson & Young will stop by to debut a new song, there will be some stand up comedy and we’re currently looking for sketch writers who want to get something on stage. We’ll help you out with script editing, act in it if you need extra roles filled and promote the show for you!



The theme for our first show is “a day in the park”. We’ll have the stage set up to a park setting the best our shoestring budget can allot!



You can submit your completed first draft scripts to YoungFearless@fearlesscomedyproductions.com. The show will be April 4th at the Bryant-Lake Bowl and the deadline for submissions is Feb. 14th (Valentines Day)! Get crackin’!

Poor Wayne LaPierre

You can’t help but feel sorry for Wayne LaPierre. He’s got a job that, at times, can be the worst job in the world.
He’s the Executive Vice President and pretty much the voice of the NRA.



Poor guy.

Poor guy.





Now you may think that he’s actually got a pretty sweet job. $970,000 annual salary. All the guns you can shoot. Free camouflage clothing. It’s not all perks, though.



Every time there’s a mass shooting, Wayne LaPierre has to go out and explain why guns aren’t to blame.



Every time! Can you imagine? Every single time somebody goes and kills a bunch of people with guns and the nation is left shocked, horrified and looking for answers the first thing that goes through this guy’s brain is “alright. How am I going to spin this?”



He has to change the reason pretty frequently, too because the public won’t swallow the same load of bullshit from him multiple times. He and his crew have to cook up new reasons every time a bunch of people are shot to death. Think about what it’s like trying to come up with a new reason mass shootings happen time after time and being forced to ignore the one thing linking every single one. My heart goes out to Mr. LaPierre.



And now yesterday former congresswoman and Gun Control activist Gabrielle Giffords struggled to eloquently voice a plea to take action to prevent more gun violence and Wayne LaPierre testifies at that same hearing saying gun control laws don’t work?



In case you forgot, the reason Gabrielle Giffords struggled to say just a few sentences is because she was shot in the fucking head. Being the victim of a mass shooting has really made gun control a priority for her but Wayne LaPierre had to look her in the face, a face that just caught a bullet two years ago and tell her she’s wrong about gun control. That has to be tough.



I gotta hand it to Wayne. I could never do what he does.

Craigslist Job Ad Search: 50 Shades of Fun!

Yesterday I was looking through the “talent” section of Craigslist job ads hoping to find an ad to send a fake reply to as I have done many times before. It’s become increasingly difficult, however, to find a job ad posting that isn’t for strippers, webcam girls or just plain’ ol’ hookers. While I am poor and would sell my dignity in a second there’s nobody buying what I’m selling. Could be that my prices are too high ($5,000 you get to see my butt. $10,000 you get to see a ball).



Trying to sift through all the requests to have hot young women sit on cakes on a webcam or whatever, I saw several creepy ads looking for an “assistant”. These were all posted on the same day within about 4 hours of each other. Here they are in order from earliest to latest –


Posted: 2013-01-29, 9:52AM CST
great pay for right female
My assistant of two years has moved to Florida so I need to fill her position asap. Your part would include, going to dinner, shopping, back rubs, looking sexy, teasing me. In return you could expect exceptional compensation. You must be very comfortable with your body and like to flaunt it. Must be very flirty and friendly. I am picky. I am a business owner in the Twin Cities and do not have time for a full blown relationship. This could turn into a full time gig for the right person. If interested you must send 3 pics of yourself and a brief descrip of why you think you would be agood fit. If you get my attention, I will email you back. Thanks!
Okay. Kinda creepy. Basically this guy wants to pay a girl to… be his flirty go-go masseuse?



Posted: 2013-01-29, 11:59AM CST
REAL DEAL! (Uptown)
You may be looking for a real gig that will help you financially! Most of the ads are unreal, and have nothing to pay. How about something real, lasting, and beneficial? Looking for a girl who is interested in an alternative arrangement that can help her financially! If interested, send a pic and let’s chat further.
Okay I don’t know if this one is from the same guy. It’s got the same feel as the other ads but it feels like it was written by a Ukranian spambot that just learned english.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:07PM CST
$omething Different, $omething Fun (Minneapolis)
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he has more opportunities to get what he wants. And sometimes a successful man would prefer an arrangement over the dating games or a traditional relationship. If you are fun, young, attractive female who likes to party and go out and have fun, then this is for you. If you would prefer a guy to take you out, spoil you, take you shopping, and just have fun than you would to a traditional relationship, then this is for you. I am an attractive white male, early 30’s, with pics to share. If you are interested in something different, fun, and unique, write me back and tell me about yourself, send me a few pics and I will reply back and do the same. Why not get what you want for once right?
Sometimes as a man gets older and he becomes more successful he finds that he can’t form an emotional bond with anybody so he pays girls to pretend to like him. Also, what’s with the dollar sign “S” in the title? You imply that the applicant will get paid because you posted this in “jobs”. The fact that you’re paying is not a selling point.


Posted: 2013-01-29, 12:16PM CST
Fun Personal Assistant Wanted (Minneapolis)
Are you young, sexy, like to meet new people, like to drink be wild and have fun, and make money while you are doing it? Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, is looking for a personal assistant to help with various services from entertaining, errands, to modeling and cleaning in a french maids outfit. This can be as fun and sexy as u want to make it. If you have always wanted to try something different you should at least give it a shot and find out, u never know, it could be alot of fun. If you are interested reply back with some pictures of you as well as any information about yourself and what you are looking for and I will get back to you with more details. Thanks.
Hold up! This is the first ad he’s actually listed any non-creepy or overtly sexual work in the ads. “Errands”? I thought he was just looking for a 40 hour a week slut but it seems he wants his personal stripper to be able to go out and get his dry cleaning every once in a while. That’s how they trick you. You start the job thinking it’s going to be easy. Some back rubs and parading around in a french maid’s outfit but eventually he’s going to want you to put on that french maid’s outfit and actually clean some shit.

Posted: 2013-01-29, 1:38PM CST
50 Shades of Fun (Minneapolis)
Successful, white, attractive businessman, early 30’s, looking to hire an attractive white female for various services and activities. If you are interested please reply back with a few pictures and a description about yourself and why you responded and what you are looking for. I will get back to you with pictures of me and more details and we can go from there. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂
“Various Activities”, the “50 shades” reference. I’m sure you can figure out how this works 🙂 The last ad was the least descriptive yet somehow the creepiest.



So there you go, ladies! If you’ve ever thought of sexual harassment as a full time job, just click on any of the blue links above and a humiliating future awaits!

Sex and Murder… Real Lady Killers

I’ve recently been working with Six Elements Theater on their upcoming production of Zastrozzi.

I hate film trailers for live theater. It always comes across awkward to me. It’s like taking a picture of a painting and telling people to come to the art gallery. There’s just so much you’re missing, and what you get is so misrepresented. Trying to capture live theater on camera… It always feels so melodramatic to me.

Yeah… just a bit. But the play itself is so goddamned good. It’s evil and sex and murder and some incredible stage combat. I’ve seen the rehearsals. It’s pretty frigging amazing.

I got called in as a weapons specialist. The weapon, you ask? Feminine wiles.

It started off as a bit of a joke. One of the actresses and I were playing with a specific scene, and I suggested a movement to help make everything sexy dangerous. The director wanted me involved for my skills in movement and playing seductive. And we came up with that fantastic title for my theater resume.

I’m incredibly excited to pair it up with this headshot:

It's not the sword that you should be worried about...

It’s not the sword that you should be worried about…

Turns out, feminine wiles is a very real and dangerous weapon.

Let’s start with the murder attempt that keeps YoungNotions at the “adult” level of entertainment. A woman from Brazil tried to kill her husband by putting poison on her cooter and convincing him to go down on her.  He said that it almost worked, too. But when he was there, he thought something smelled fishy.

Not that fishy. The other fishy. Gross.

Sensing something not right, he brought her to the hospital and told staff there about the strange odor. They ran some tests, and found traces of poison.

I have a vilification tennis insult that goes “The last man to eat you out died of food poisoning.” I never thought someone would take that as a suggestion.

That’s not the only attempt on a mans life with lady bit this month. A couple weeks ago a woman actually smothered her boyfriend to death with her boobs. They had been drinking and fighting, and apparently she just climbed on top of him and buried his face in her heaving bosom.

She had a chest that could take your breath away.

New Year’s Resolution Update: Flossing.

It’s Monday so that means it’s time to take another look at all those New Year’s Resolutions I made and see how I’m doing. Today I’d like to take a look at the 11th resolution that I threw in a week after my original post. Floss every day.



I’ve actually been pretty good with this one. Missed a couple of days here and there over the last four weeks but for the most part I’ve been flossing before I brush every day. This is a big change from my old routine. My old routine was –



1. Buy floss.
2. Use once.
3. Repeat after 6 months.



My first time flossing in a while was a bit of a… bloody experience but now I’m in a groove I can get that minty string all up in my gums without any blood at all. To help out people who are in the same boat I was in a few weeks ago I’ve put together a handy little picture guide to getting back on that flossing horse. Here you go!



Okay, so you haven’t flossed in a while and the last time you did floss you weren’t exactly in a “daily routine”. That’s fine! The important thing is that you’ve decided to make an effort now to have better dental hygine. Now you may be thinking that even when you did floss you may not have been doing it right so don’t worry. I’ll go through step by step the correct way to floss so you can get the best results for your effort!



STEP 1:
Take about 18 inches of dental floss and wrap the ends around your middle fingers until you have about 4-6 inches to work with. Slide the floss between two teeth with a sawing motion.
flossing 002



STEP 2:
Glide the floss up and down between your teeth, making sure to get all the way into the tip of the gums. If you haven’t flossed in a while there may be some slight bleeding but that’s perfectly normal.
flossing 003



STEP 3:
Unwrap a little floss from one hand and wrap up a little in the other to make sure you have a clean piece as you go from tooth to tooth. Don’t worry about the blood. Your gums are probably just a little inflamed from the plaque buildup and as you make flossing a regular part of your daily hygiene you’ll experience no bleeding in the future!
flossing 005



STEP 4
After flossing most of your teeth you may experience bleeding in other orifices. As shown here, blood has filled my sinus cavities and is now spilling out of my tear ducts as it cannot come out of my mouth fast enough.
flossing 007



STEP 5
If this is your first time flossing in a while you may experience some dizzyness from blood loss and even briefly lose consciousness. This is totally normal. Once you have regained consciouness clean yourself up and make sure to floss the next day. It gets easier every time!
flossing 008



Hope this helps!