Growing up I was always told that while us Americans think we’re the best at everything, we’re actually far behind other countries in many aspects. 13th in education, 33rd in life expectancy. As I got older, I learned the only things I could ever rely on America being number 1 at were CEO pay, imprisonment rate and obesity.



Turns out even that absolute is being turned on it’s head because Mexico has passed us as the fattest country in the world.



But… that’s our thing. We’re America.

There’s just no way Mexico can be fatter than us. Cheap Mexican labor is one of the things that helped us become the fattest and laziest country on earth. Mexican immigrants sweat and toil in the kitchens of our all-you-can-eat-buffets so we can shove greasy fat into our gullets as fast as possible! How did they surpass us?



I have a couple of theories.



1: The Doritos Locos Taco.







Over 500 million Doritos Locos tacos have been sold since their inception. While some of those sales can be attributed to Americans we can all agree that most of those were probably bought by Mexicans since Taco Bell is Mexican cuisine.



2: Republican conspiracy.



Conservatives would love nothing more than Mexicans to stop crossing the border illegally into the United States. Rather than trying to help improve the conditions of their home country or making the legal path to citizenship more attractive and illegal occupation less attractive, they claim the only way to stem the tide is by building a wall or something.



You know what’s easier than building a wall and more profitable? Selling Mexicans so much junk food in Mexico that they get way too fat to hop a fence or swim the Rio Grande on their own.



Smuggling via transport would be harder as well since fewer people would fit in a truck and when the border guard stopped them all the panting and wheezing would tip them off.



The only flaw in this nefatious (that was originally a typo but I left it because it totally fit) scheme is that once the heart attack rates in Mexico skyrocket, they’re going to try to find a way to trim down and what better way to drop some pounds and make some money than to do some landscaping work in the Estados Unidos? The immigration problem will take on a whole new chubby, sweaty face as illegal day labor will be the biggest Mexican workout craze of the decade. If you thought Walmart parking lots had a lot of fat people before…



Well, at least we still have the most people in jail. Nobody’ll ever take that from us. USA! USA!