Chatting with Jena earlier today I told her I didn’t know what to blog about. She told me I should talk about what I’m doing in Mexico besides pooping. Honestly I haven’t gone out too much. There have been some parties, one of which had a surprise Mayan dance routine bust out right in the middle of everything –

But for the most part I’ve been writing and drinking. Not most people’s ideal for a tropical vacation but I could think of worse ways to pass the time.



It hasn’t all just been hunching over a laptop and emptying bottles of rum like some modern day fart joke Bukowski, the organizers for the Akumal Comedy Festival lined up plenty of activities for the comics and with shooting sketches on location there’s been plenty to explore. Here’s a quick rundown of what I’ve been up to –



BUSTIN’ COCONUTS
Remember this guy?







Trees like that are all over the place down here and I wasn’t sure if they were coconuts because the only coconuts I’ve ever seen were the fuzzy brown bowling balls hanging off the lone tree on the tiny island in comic strips. Turns out in real life they got a big ol’ husk surrounding the bowling ball. I saw some in the back yard of the villa where the organizers and crew are staying and asked my friend and festival organizer Gus Lynch if I could have one. He gave me the go ahead and I set about on my task. Opening a coconut.



I figured Tom Hanks did it in like three days on Castaway so if I beat that time I’m good. I spiked it against the cement patio and while it didn’t bust open, the husk was softer where it hit. I peeled a little back but it was slow going. I was going to need tools. I went to the kitchen and got a paring knife. I was worried I might cut myself hacking away at it so I got the smallest blade possible. When I went back out to stab away and enjoy the sweet coconut the cinematographer for the shoots looked at me holding a knife and coconut and said “careful. I’ve seen four people cut themselves trying to open coconuts before”. I was starting to think it just might be better to go and grab a Mounds bar but I’ve mad my decision. I’m cracking this fucker open and eating it. After ten minutes of hacking away I finally saw the bowling ball. I threw it against the ground and it split open, spraying coconut water everywhere. I don’t know if it was all the effort put in but that coconut was one of the sweetest things I’ve ever eaten. I enjoyed my reward and felt assured that if I get lost in the jungle I can survive indefinitely with nothing but a paring knife.



BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF MY SKIN



I’m bald. When you’re bald you know how important it is to keep your head from burning. A sunburned bald head peels and it looks like you have the worst case of dandruff ever. It’s gross. I’ve taken care to not burn my head this trip but there’s something I forgot. I have skin on the rest of my body, too.



I’m also fat. As a fat guy I usually don’t make it a point to go to the beach or a pool party and when I do I swim with my shirt on. Here in Akumal, though, there are plenty of guys just as fat if not fatter than me running around. I’m not looking to get laid down here so fuck it, time to deal with my man boob embarrassment and just walk around with my shirt off.



Big mistake. My torso hasn’t been exposed to direct sunlight since I was ten years old. After two hours of shooting a sketch on a beach I was glowing red. An hour after that I was dizzy and cold. The pain hasn’t set in yet but I’m just waiting for one of these jackasses I’m staying with to slap me on the back so they can watch me have a seizure. Damn you, Irish ancestors!



Stay tuned this weekend. I’ll be posting bonus blogs full of interviews and pictures!



No pics of my sunburn, though. God already punished me for showing my bitch tits to the world. I’d hate to think what he’d do if I exposed them again.