Today marks the funeral for Kim Jong-Il, the Supreme Exhalted Glorious Infallable Handsome leader of North Korea. According to his official biography, his birth in 1942 was foretold by a swallow and heralded by a double rainbow in the sky and the birth of a new star in the heavens. The Korean Central News Agency, North Korea’s state run and obviously objective news service, reported that during his death “a fierce snowstorm paused and the sky glowed red above sacred Mount Paektu.”. Here’s some of the other highlights of his life according to KCNA news.

KCNA file photo of Kim Jong-Il, 2010

1950: Attended Hogwarts Academy and defeated Voldemort.

1954: Won the Korean war single handed at the age of 12. Decided to not tell the South Koreans out of a sense of humility.

1972: Beat the Harlem Globetrotters 120-0 (all dunks) in an exhibition game played on an active volcano.

1982: Scored 1,064,501 in Donkey Kong.

1990: Was given the nickname “Dear Father” by Korean media after he made all the women in North Korea pregnant.

2002: As part of his 60th birthday celebration, ate 7 saltines in one minute and washed it down with a gallon of milk in a half an hour. Had a tablespoon of cinnamon for dessert.

2005: While lecturing in Paris, is framed for murder and discovers through a series of convoluted clues in Leonardo Da Vinci’s paintings, the location of the holy grail.

2011: Dies.

For more DPRK sanctioned information on Kim Jong-Il’s accomplishments, just go to chucknorrisfacts.com and replace “Chuck Norris” with “Kim Jong-Il”.