Dennis Rodman is in North Korea right now with some members of the Harlem Globetrotters and writers for Vice magazine. There has been speculation that he went to try to negotiate the release of American prisoner Kenneth Bae, he has said that he’s only there to see his good friend Kim and talk basketball. While Vice is keeping most details under wraps until the premier of their new HBO show, the KCNA news agency reported on the whole game. Here’s the whole KCNA news report, unedited for your enjoyment.
September 1st. Pyongyang.
American basketball superstar Dennis Rodman and his basketball friends visited the DPRK for a basketball exhibition at the request of exalted leader, Kim Jong-Un, who’s very smile invokes the laughter of every child in Korea.
The game started with the Harlem Globetrotters playing against the 5 time Olympic Gold Medal winning team the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen, a team handpicked by former glorious leader Kim Jong-Il who now sits at the right side of God in heaven. Each member of the team has been injected with a vial of blood from Kim Jong-Il to maximize their physical potential.
The game was a close one but the decadence of western life showed as the best basketball players America had to offer lost to the Pyongyang Superbasketballmen with the final score being 247-28.
After the game was over and the Globetrotters marched solemnly to their locker room to cry away their shame, Dennis Rodman superstar went to the center of the court with a microphone and asked a favor. He looked directly at the supreme perfect commander and said “Kim, buddy. I’ve been playing basketball for years but I could never dunk. Could you… show me how to dunk?”
The unopposed divine president first waved his hands and shook his head as he is surprisingly modest but the crowd roared in anticipation of seeing the glorious protector’s famous basketball skills. The amazing leader stood up, tore off his breakaway military uniform to reveal a Chicago Bulls jersey and matching shorts. Dennis tossed him the ball and from half court the wonderful ruler leaped as if he weighed nothing. Sailing through the air, the masterful shepherd executed three front flips and two back flips before slamming the ball through the hoop. The glass backboard shattered and all three lightbulbs in the stadium exploded from the sheer energy of the dunk. Still hanging from the rim, his amazing eminence looked down at Rodman and said “I want to make Space Jam with you. I’ll be Michael Jordan and you be Bugs Bunny.” Tears streamed from Rodman’s eyes as he said “I’d be honored”.
The writer for Vice threw his ironic sunglasses to the floor, stepped on them and said “I want to live here forever now. Tell everybody that I’m staying here because I chose to. Do not try to contact me. I love the DPRK!”
Space Jam starring Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman is scheduled to be released October 2013.