It’s that time again, kids! I find one of the three jobs listings in the creative section of Craigslist that isn’t “shove this in your vagina on a webcam” job and submit a totally earnest response to that job listing. Today’s job is Script Writers for Training Videos (Minnesota)

Looking for freelance writers with technical writing skills but also a creative edge. Need to be able to research and write clear and interesting scripts on Safety and Human Resource topics for employee training.

Send relevant samples only. Thank you.
Location: Minnesota
Compensation: Per Project
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Send a relevant sample? Well, I’ve never written a safety video script but I’m willing to give it a shot. Here goes! –

(Ext. cemetery. Fade in to a funeral. “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes as 20 people all clad in black stand over a grave site as a PRIEST reads. Zoom into a three shot of PRIEST, JESSICA and ROB. JESSICA is sobbing and ROB has his head bowed in prayer.)

PRIEST: Now, before we leave, the deceased’s coworker and friend would like to say something. Robert?

(ROB approaches head of grave)

ROB: Thank you. I was with Bruce the moment he passed. Now, I ain’t normally they type to talk in front of crowds but damn it, Bruce used his last dying breath to make sure I’d pass this on so it may not be important to you but it was important to him and it’s important to me. (a single tear runs down ROB’s cheek.) Forklift safety is no laughing matter. It all started when we were finishing our break at the warehouse.

(Flashback. Cut to Int. FW Industries warehouse. Rob and Bruce are finishing up a coffee break.)

BRUCE: …so I gave the homeless man my lunch instead. I didn’t have any cash on me anyway since I just spent all my money on this.

(BRUCE opens a ring box to show a diamond engagement ring)

ROB: So you’re finally going to ask Jessica? I’m so happy for you guys!

BRUCE: Yeah, it took me a while to save up for this but I’m not working at a nonprofit for the huge paycheck, right? Alright, we should get back to work. These boxes full of puppies won’t ship themselves to orphans.

(BRUCE hops into forklift that’s holding several stacked boxes labeled “puppies”)

ROB: Hey, Bruce. You sure you should stack that many boxes on the fork? Looks like your visibility might be impaired.

BRUCE: Don’t worry about it, buddy. How many times have I driven this thing? All I have to do is get it around those barrels then it’s just 50 feet to the truck.

(Cut to close up of stack of barrels. Each one is marked “flammable”. Cut to close up of box of puppies. One of the puppies stickes their head out of the box and whines.)

ROB: If you say so, but you should really just drive the forklift backwards if you’re load is obstructing your view.

BRUCE: (starts driving forward). Sorry, buddy. We’re running behind! Besides, I’ll just get out of the seat and lean to the side to see what’s in front of me.

(BRUCE leans out the left side of the forklift only to see the barrels right in front of him. He swerves left to avoid them and begins to tip)

ROB: Bruce! Your center of gravity changes when you try to operate the forklift from any place but the seat!

(the forklift tips on two wheels and swerves wildly, knocking over the stack of barrels and falling to the side, pinning BRUCE’s legs under it. One of the barrels ruptures as it hits the ground, spilling gallons of flammable liquid all over the floor. The liquid slowly spreads on the floor to an electrical cord laying on the ground with a frayed, exposed end. The cord shorts and a spark ignites the liquid, quickly spreading back to the other barrels which immediately explode. Boxes of flaming puppies are sent flying. Their yelps of pain ringing through the walls of the burning warehouse. ROB runs to BRUCE and douses the flames with an OSHA approved fire extinguisher. He frantically tries to lift the forklift off of BRUCE’s charred body but it’s no use.)

BRUCE: (coughs) Rob… come here… I don’t have long.

(ROB falls to his knees next to BRUCE)

ROB: Bruce! Hang in there! I already called 911 since that’s the first thing you should do in an emergency like this!

BRUCE: Thanks, but I don’t… think it’s gonna… do me much good. (BRUCE turns his head and points to a giant metal spike sticking out of the back of his skull). Wasn’t… wearing my hardhat.

ROB: Oh, God.

BRUCE: (grabs ROB by the collar, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth). Rob! Listen! Tell everybody… Make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me. Please! Pleaa…

(BRUCE’s grip on ROB’s collar goes limp as BRUCE’s eyes roll in the back of his head. Fade out.)

(Cut back to cemetery.)

ROB: And that’s why, for this man’s memory, for his fiancee, for their unborn child and for your own sake, everybody needs to know these things. When operating a forklift, make sure you have a clear line of sight when driving. If your load obstructs your vision, operate the forklift in reverse. Never try to operate the forklift in any place except the driver’s seat and always wear your hardhat.

(Closeup of the closed casket in the ground. Fade out as a shovelful of dirt falls on it and a 21 gun salute is fired).