Author Archives: Bill

Funeral for a Friend.

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You ever have somebody in your life who was just there for you? Somebody you could always count on? Somebody who didn’t judge you, never asked anything of you? A friend who just wanted to make you feel better during the bad times and celebrate with you during the good?



For me that friend is Hostess Brand Snack Cakes and they’re gone now.



would you knooooow my naaaaaame, if I saw you in heaven?





They were there for me whenever I was feeling down. I could always count on them to be waiting for me at the gas station after a night of binge drinking. They’ve kept me company on countless road trips but now they’ll be gone forever as Hostess will be shutting down operations.



Sure, they’ll be selling off their assets and somebody else may pick up the mantle but it won’t be the same. The new owners will change the formula slightly or just rebrand their product as a hostess product. It won’t be the Hostess I fell in love with.



So what can I do? Hoard the product? That’s an option. When I was in 7th grade my science teacher told the class about how she was given a Twinkie as an award by some friends in college. She was known for loving them so they glued one to a plaque and presented it to her. 30 years later she was going through some old boxes in the attic and she found her Twinkie trophy. All wrapped up and fresh looking as the day it was purchased. Out of curiosity she opened up the 30 year old Twinkie and ate it. Tasted just fine.



So sure, you can hoard but what happens then? There’s only a finite amount of Hostess products and as their supply diminishes their value will grow until that shit is like gasoline in The Road Warrior –



Just walk away. Give me your Cupcakes, the Ding Dongs, the Fruit Pies, and the Ho-Hos, and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away and we’ll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.





No. The best thing to do is remember the good times but let our friend pass. Only then can we gain some closure and maybe lose some weight.

World News for Dummies Like Me.

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I got hooked on NPR on election day.



I’d never really cared for radio news in the past but on election day I had to work and wanted to hear the results throughout the day and as polls closed around the country. For the first time in my life I listened to NPR news and was blown away by how thorough and impartial they were. I always assumed they’d have a liberal bias because, well, conservatives are always bitching about liberal Bias.



Granted, I googled “fox news on npr” and a bunch of stories came up about how public radio listeners are way more informed than Fox News viewers so that’s probably just sour grapes on the conservative end.



Since the election I’ve listened to NPR every time I get into my car. There’s just one problem. I have no idea what they’re talking about when they report on world politics.



Seriously. Totally lost. Let’s look at one of the things NPR news has reported on in the last few days and what I know about it.



SYRIA
What I know: There’s fighting I guess? Like, a war or something? Maybe a middle east thing?

What I don’t know: Who’s fighting. Why they’re fighting. Where Syria is.

Other misconceptions: The first time I heard Bob Marley’s “Stir it up” I thought he was singing “Syria”.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3UqvWk8-uw&w=420&h=315]



Alright let’s take a look at what this is all about:

Turns out Syria is in the middle east!




Also, turns out there’s a civil war going on. It started out as peaceful protests until the government cracked down on them (shot a bunch of protesters). Now there’s rebels, fights, shit’s spilling over to Israel for some reason and now Israel’s firing shit into Syria. It’s crazy but it doesn’t looki like the U.S. will be there anytime soon since we’re busy occupying a bunch of other middle eastern countries and Syria doesn’t have a ton of oil –



Oh, google autocomplete. You truly are the mirror held up to society.




What will I do with this newfound knowledge of a world event: Be the snootiest motherfucker at the party! No use having knowledge about something unless you can make yourself feel better by flaunting it around people who don’t have that knowledge! Time to go to some parties and start some conversations with casual acquaintances by with topics like “Did you hear about the scandal over at the BBC?” When they look at me confused and say they haven’t heard about it I’ll just roll my eyes, take a sip of my martini and say something dismissive like “Oh, they were just talking about it on NPR. I like to stay informed.”



Knowledge is power!


New York Daily News: Handling Stories With Class and Dignity Since Never.

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This weekend it was revealed that General David Petraeus, current head of the C.I.A., resigned due to being caught in an extramarital affair.



Now I was all set to do up a blog about posting fake emails between him and his mistress but when I googled “David Petraeus” to get more details on the story the first article that came up was something from the N.Y. Daily News –



Fucking really?





“Gen. Betray Us! Caught In the Act!” That’s their headline. Puns and acronym jokes. It doesn’t even stop there. Read the article and there’s a picture of his mistress with John Stewart and the caption for it literally reads “Paula Broadwell chats with comedian Jon Stewart, but there’s nothing funny about mess she’s in with Gen. David Petraeus.” Ugh.



What I really don’t get is how they haven’t played with the fact that the biography Broadwell wrote of Petraeus is called “All In”. Where’s the headline “Petraeus caught ‘All In’ Biographer’s vagina”? Here’s a coulple other potential headlines –


“Biographer Caught Fellating More Than Gen. Petraeus’ Ego!”

“General Petraeus Caught Redacting Paula Broadwell’s Classified Dossier!”

“C.I.A. Chief Resigns After Being Caught in Affair but That’s Okay Because Anybody Who Lets Their Emails Get Hacked So Easily Probably Shouldn’t be the Head of a Spy Agency.”

Creepiness in Advertising and Caption Contest!

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So a couple of weeks ago an Oregon court released the Boy Scouts of America’s “Perversion Files”. Turns out the Boy Scouts had binders full of pedophiles that worked for them and when they would find out about molestations they’d give it the ol’ Paterno/Catholic Church treatment and just not call the cops.



Of course the Boy Scouts are going to suffer a huge hit and some people would think that the organization should be shut down but the Boy Scouts of America will continue their mission and they’ve even rolled out a new ad campaign to boost membership!



RAPE VAN





Okay seriously I saw this van like a day after I heard about the whole “perversion files” thing. Let’s see what kind of captions I can do for this picture!



Learn to tie knots so tight that no boy could wriggle free from them!





Hi, I just moved in across the street and I’m required by the state of Minnesota that scouting rules! Also, I’m a pedophile.





Didn’t make the cut as a choir boy? Join the scouts!





Join the boy scouts! It’ll be our little secret…





Got a caption of your own for the creepy scout van? Leave it in the comments section! 1 lucky winner will receive a half eaten jar of peanut butter!


YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!

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Last night was pretty awesome for me. Obama got reelected. Both the Marriage Amendment and the Voter I.D. Amendment were shot down, pretty much every republican who said awful things about rape this campaign were defeated, Donald Trump completely lost his shit on twitter and Josh Reimnitz won the District 4 Minneapolis School Board seat –



We’ve received like 2 dozen letters, door hangers, flyers etc. from this guy’s campaign. His website is super well done. I simply voted for him just because he put so much damn effort into his campaign.





All in all this election was a big win for me but there’s always a couple of things that didn’t go how I hoped –


BACHMANN FUCKING WON AGAIN



Seriously? That crazy bitch is fucking bulletproof. Two more years of her having legislative power. Two more years of her getting in front of TV cameras and talking about freedom for lightbulbs and God telling her to do shit. Granted, as a comedian I’m kind of relieved she’ll still be here to kick around but it’s too high a price to pay. I’d gladly give up all the low hanging fruit in the world to have her disappear from the public eye forever.


HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY SHOT DOWN THAT MEASURE 5 THING IN NORTH DAKOTA



Remember that blog I did a couple of days ago about that wacky N.D. measure? It didn’t pass. By a huge margin. Turns out 67% of North Dakotans love strangling cats.



In spite of the minor WTF losses, I’m really optimistic about the next four years of Obama. Mainly because it will probably make Donald Trump literally go insane.



Seriously. Fuck that guy.

This is not a Political Post

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Really. It isn’t. I promised I wouldn’t make any more political posts until the election is over and I’m sticking to that. This isn’t about politics.



Okay, it’s kinda political but it’s about North Dakota. I don’t think talking politics counts if it’s North Dakota. Here’s what happened.



Last weekend I went up to Bismarck, ND to tell some jokes with Mike Brody. As we drove down Interstate 94 further and further away from the cities we saw fewer and fewer lawn signs and billboards telling us what to vote for. Instead, we saw more and more hand-painted signs with clever little slogans like “WORST PRESIDENT EVER! SAY NO TO SOCIALISM!” or “REAL MEN VOTE YES. SO DO SMART AND PRETTY LADIES!” (actual sign on 94 by Fergus Falls). As we crossed the border to ND, we started seeing hand painted political signs against “5”. The first one we saw said “Don’t hurt hunters and farmers! NO on 5!”



Well, shit. I don’t know who’s hurting all these hunters and farmers but I hope they beat this “5” thing and leave the poor guys alone.



The second sign we saw said “Stop outside special interests! Vote no on 5!”



So it’s outside special interests coming to hurt hunters and farmers? Somebody needs to stop them! These poor hunters and farmers are getting hurt by outside special interests! If I could, I’d have voted no on 5 right there on the spot. Hunters and farmers are people, too!



When I was home last night I remembered all the “no on 5” signs in ND so I decided to look up what that bill was all about. Was it a law that, if passed, allowed outside special interests to come in and punch hunters and farmers? Who knows?



Turns out it’s a measure that, if passed, will make it a felony to torture dogs, cats and horses.



Seriously. Here’s the official ballot measure courtesy of ballotpedia –

Initiated Statutory Measure No. 5
This initiated statutory measure would create section 36-21.1-02.1 of the North Dakota Century Code. This measure would make it a class C felony for an individual to maliciously and intentionally burn, poison, crush, suffocate, impale, drown, blind, skin, beat to death, drag to death, exsanguinate, disembowel, or dismember any living dog, cat or horse and provide a court with certain sentencing options. The measure would not apply to production agriculture, or to lawful activities of hunters and trappers, licensed veterinarians, scientific researchers, or to individuals engaged in lawful defense of life or property.

YES — means you approve the measure summarized above.
NO — means you reject the measure summarized above.



Okay. How the shit does this hurt hunters and farmers?



Seriously. Have I been Pheasant hunting the wrong way all these years? I mean, I’ve shot a few birds but I haven’t beaten any cats to death or exanguinated any horses. They never covered horse exanguination in our gun safety class.



Also, how does this hurt farmers? Exactly how many dogs do you have to impale to grow an acre of corn?



There’s a ton of exemptions for all this written into the measure, too! If this measure passes you can still drag a cat to death if you’re a licensed veterinarian or scientist. You can still blind a horse if you can prove he wanted to kill you.

It’s not just a few farmers off of 94 that feel this way, either. North Dakota seems pretty split down the middle on whether it’s within your rights to disembowel a dog for no reason.



Granted, it seems some of the opposition comes from the fact that the bill is limited in scope and does nothing to prevent the most common forms of animal abuse seen in the state. Which sort of makes sense I guess but “it’s not good enough” shouldn’t invoke such vehement opposition. The other big sticking point with the “vote no” crowd is that a lot of the financial support for this bill is coming from the Humane Society of the United States (the “outside special interest group”). To get a better idea of why people oppose this, you can either read this article detailing farmer’s concerns or just check out this comment from a blog post criticizing measure 5 –

mony • 13 days ago −
Im born and raised north dakotan hillbilly broke horses raise cattle chickens goats aint never done nothin wrong this measure was NOT wrote here some dumbass veggie lovin ass did it wake up nd all animals are equql not just the horses cats n dogs vote no and say yes when they can protect ALL farm critters i hunt and trap and there is nothin inhumane about it like i said wake up nd and if u aint from here dont vote this year u city crybaby jerk



Man, I thought politics in this state were fucked up…

Protect Hunters and Farmers! Because… horses…. uh….

Craigslist Job Ad Response #2537ohwhoreallyfuckingknowsanymore: Script Writers for Training Video.

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It’s that time again, kids! I find one of the three jobs listings in the creative section of Craigslist that isn’t “shove this in your vagina on a webcam” job and submit a totally earnest response to that job listing. Today’s job is Script Writers for Training Videos (Minnesota)


Looking for freelance writers with technical writing skills but also a creative edge. Need to be able to research and write clear and interesting scripts on Safety and Human Resource topics for employee training.

Safety topics range from behavioral and awareness issues such as taking risks or shortcuts to more technical training such as operating equipment such as forklifts.
Human Resource topics range from Harassment, Diversity, Teamwork, Motivation, Customer service and more.

Scripts will be for training videos and also interactive web courses.

We’re looking for writers with a proven track record in this type of script work.

Send relevant samples only. Thank you.
Location: Minnesota
Compensation: Per Project
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



Send a relevant sample? Well, I’ve never written a safety video script but I’m willing to give it a shot. Here goes! –


(Ext. cemetery. Fade in to a funeral. “Amazing Grace” is being played on the bagpipes as 20 people all clad in black stand over a grave site as a PRIEST reads. Zoom into a three shot of PRIEST, JESSICA and ROB. JESSICA is sobbing and ROB has his head bowed in prayer.)

PRIEST: Now, before we leave, the deceased’s coworker and friend would like to say something. Robert?

(ROB approaches head of grave)

ROB: Thank you. I was with Bruce the moment he passed. Now, I ain’t normally they type to talk in front of crowds but damn it, Bruce used his last dying breath to make sure I’d pass this on so it may not be important to you but it was important to him and it’s important to me. (a single tear runs down ROB’s cheek.) Forklift safety is no laughing matter. It all started when we were finishing our break at the warehouse.

(Flashback. Cut to Int. FW Industries warehouse. Rob and Bruce are finishing up a coffee break.)

BRUCE: …so I gave the homeless man my lunch instead. I didn’t have any cash on me anyway since I just spent all my money on this.

(BRUCE opens a ring box to show a diamond engagement ring)

ROB: So you’re finally going to ask Jessica? I’m so happy for you guys!

BRUCE: Yeah, it took me a while to save up for this but I’m not working at a nonprofit for the huge paycheck, right? Alright, we should get back to work. These boxes full of puppies won’t ship themselves to orphans.

(BRUCE hops into forklift that’s holding several stacked boxes labeled “puppies”)

ROB: Hey, Bruce. You sure you should stack that many boxes on the fork? Looks like your visibility might be impaired.

BRUCE: Don’t worry about it, buddy. How many times have I driven this thing? All I have to do is get it around those barrels then it’s just 50 feet to the truck.

(Cut to close up of stack of barrels. Each one is marked “flammable”. Cut to close up of box of puppies. One of the puppies stickes their head out of the box and whines.)

ROB: If you say so, but you should really just drive the forklift backwards if you’re load is obstructing your view.

BRUCE: (starts driving forward). Sorry, buddy. We’re running behind! Besides, I’ll just get out of the seat and lean to the side to see what’s in front of me.

(BRUCE leans out the left side of the forklift only to see the barrels right in front of him. He swerves left to avoid them and begins to tip)

ROB: Bruce! Your center of gravity changes when you try to operate the forklift from any place but the seat!

(the forklift tips on two wheels and swerves wildly, knocking over the stack of barrels and falling to the side, pinning BRUCE’s legs under it. One of the barrels ruptures as it hits the ground, spilling gallons of flammable liquid all over the floor. The liquid slowly spreads on the floor to an electrical cord laying on the ground with a frayed, exposed end. The cord shorts and a spark ignites the liquid, quickly spreading back to the other barrels which immediately explode. Boxes of flaming puppies are sent flying. Their yelps of pain ringing through the walls of the burning warehouse. ROB runs to BRUCE and douses the flames with an OSHA approved fire extinguisher. He frantically tries to lift the forklift off of BRUCE’s charred body but it’s no use.)

BRUCE: (coughs) Rob… come here… I don’t have long.

(ROB falls to his knees next to BRUCE)

ROB: Bruce! Hang in there! I already called 911 since that’s the first thing you should do in an emergency like this!

BRUCE: Thanks, but I don’t… think it’s gonna… do me much good. (BRUCE turns his head and points to a giant metal spike sticking out of the back of his skull). Wasn’t… wearing my hardhat.

ROB: Oh, God.

BRUCE: (grabs ROB by the collar, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth). Rob! Listen! Tell everybody… Make sure they don’t make the same mistakes as me. Please! Pleaa…

(BRUCE’s grip on ROB’s collar goes limp as BRUCE’s eyes roll in the back of his head. Fade out.)

(Cut back to cemetery.)

ROB: And that’s why, for this man’s memory, for his fiancee, for their unborn child and for your own sake, everybody needs to know these things. When operating a forklift, make sure you have a clear line of sight when driving. If your load obstructs your vision, operate the forklift in reverse. Never try to operate the forklift in any place except the driver’s seat and always wear your hardhat.

(Closeup of the closed casket in the ground. Fade out as a shovelful of dirt falls on it and a 21 gun salute is fired).

The Crazy Shit You Weirdos Type Into Search Engines: Season Two Starts… Now!

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Damn, kids! Since I made that promise yesterday to stay away from political rants (and we all know promises made on the internet cannot be broken), I thought I’d use this time to take a look at what people are googling to get to this site as I have many times before.


“Bagel Heads” or “Japanese Bagel Heads”
This one isn’t actually that strange, since the wife did a post about the weird Japanese fashion fad but the sheer volume of searches is puzzling. Nearly 400 people in the last month came to this site looking for Japanese Bagel Heads or some disambiguation. Did Jena break that story? Is she a journalist now?



Why do People Hate 8 Crazy Nights so Much?
Because it’s the worst movie of all time ever. That’s why.



Frat Beer Bong In
I’m pretty sure they were searching for this story. Either they were too timid to type “butthole” or google autocomplete did it for them.



Catapult Illegal Aliens
Wha… What?



How to get my grandma to have sex with me
I think this one is officially the grossest search engine term we’ve had here and this is coming from a blog that get’s a half dozen search hits for “food blowjob” every week. I don’t even know what post that search led to. The worst part is now that I’ve actually typed it on the blog we’re going to get even more search engine hits and now I’ll have to start giving advise on how to seduce your grandmother just to sustain readership.



You’re all terrible, awful people.

I am so Fucking Burned Out on Politics

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Okay.  Here’s the deal.  I’m not going to blog about any political stuff until this election is over this week.  

 

Really.  I’m totally serious.  

 

This was started as a comedy blog but with this being an election year and the whole gay marriage issue being on the ballot I’ve been getting more and more political.  It’s been super easy, too, considering every time a Republican politician opens their mouth they say some awful, demeaning thing about rape being okay.  

 

Not talking politics will be kind of hard.  With one week to go it’s the only thing that will be on the news and people’s Facebook news feeds will be full of political bullshit.  It’s on everybody’s minds but I just can’t bring myself to post about it anymore.  You can even get sick of your favorite food if you eat it every meal.  

 

No problem.  I’ll use this time to get back to the roots of this blog.  Posting fake responses to Craigslist job ads and poop jokes.  You know, write about stuff that really matters.  

 

So there you go.  For my last political rant in the election season I’ll predict some quotes from Republican politicians about rape we’ll hear in the next 8 days.  

 

“Come on.  We all know that there’s ‘rape’ and then there’s RAPE.  There’s a difference.”

 

“Being a mother is a full time job so when you think about it, rapists are really job creators.”

 

“I’m not saying women ask for it with how they dress but those Muslim ladies are covered head to toe and there are almost no reported rapes in middle eastern countries.”

 

“Maybe they should fight back harder.  I see ads for women’s self defense classes all the time.  I’m not saying it’s all on them but rape really is a two way street.  

 

Ugh.  Fucking republicans.  

Hard or Soft, They’re all Tacos.

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I was at the grocery store this morning gathering supplies for Jena’s Video Game Party / Charity Thing and among the things I was tasked to get (chips, mountain dew, other nerd fuel) was taco stuff so she could make tacos for her teammates. When I grabbed the soft flour tortillas I wondered if I should grab some hard shell tortillas, too?



See, I hate hard shell tacos. Anybody who has talked to me for more than five minutes could tell you I’m a soft shell man. Hard shells are disgusting and unnatural in my eyes. They break and fall apart easily, going against their purpose of containing the taco ingredients and making a mess. If you manage to get the taco up to your mouth without it shattering, you’re basically shoving a landmine into your mouth, the first bite sending corn shrapnel flying to tear up the roof of your mouth. I seriously don’t understand why anybody would prefer hard shells.



I know I’m in the majority here, too. Go to any grocery store and the soft tortillas outnumber the hard 10 to 1. Taco Bell charges more for soft shell tacos and has to even sell Dorito flavored hard shell tacos to try to convert people.



I’m sure a couple of the people at this thing may think they want hard shells but soft shells are clearly the better choice. Sure, they’ll say they prefer them but really they’re choosing to like the hard shell better. I can’t see any other reason. I could never prefer a hard shell, how could anyone else?



Regardless of all of this I got a couple of hard shell packages. I think it’s wrong that they’d eat them but it’s not my place to tell people how to eat tacos, you know?



We’re all delicious on the inside.