Dear Michele Bachmann;
Hello, it’s your Lord God. Listen, I heard recently about how you mentioned that a miracle was going to happen at the Iowa caucuses tonight and “we know who creates miracles”. While I’m flattered by your constant, borderline creepy praise I feel like you need to know that you shouldn’t get your hopes up. There will be no miracle tonight in Iowa. Not for you, anyway.
I really like to help those who help themselves and you just seem to do nothing but shoot yourself in the foot. Whether it’s constantly spitting out misinformation about the founding fathers ending slavery and the Soviet Union is rising or campaigning against energy efficient lightbulbs because they’re closing down factories which they aren’t, you’re really not helping yourself at all. The times you do help yourself, like when you practically rigged the Iowa straw poll by buying people’s tickets and providing bus rides and entertainment to get people to vote for you aren’t really what I meant by saying “help themselves”. I may protect fools but I don’t hand them presidential nominations.
Frankly, your obsession with me is getting weird and this is coming from a God that has billions of people pray to him daily. I’ve never spoken to you and never directly helped you before so I don’t understand why you’re giving me credit for not only things that happened to you, but things that haven’t even happened yet and never will (like you winning Iowa tonight).
I’ve never actually said this to anybody before but I think it’s time you started worshiping other deities. There’s lots of other gods out there and I know I said “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” but times change and back then I didn’t anticipate somebody as… clingy as you. You could worship Allah. He’s so down for the fanatical devotion you have to offer. He even requires you to pray five times a day and from what I’ve seen from you that can get done by lunchtime. What about Hinduism? I’m not actually not sure what they believe in (I’m God, not Wikipedia) but you never see them pushing their beliefs on other people so that might be best for you. You could even be an atheist. I know that the concept of me not existing is frightening to you but you’re really full of yourself so you’d fit right in with the other atheists.
Why don’t you start your own religion? You could start one that deifies the founding fathers! You already practically worship them and your knowledge of them is about on par with your knowledge of the bible (nearly nonexistent) so it’d be a smooth transition for you.
Whatever you do, please leave me alone. I’m seriously considering getting a restraining order on you.
I have to go now. I promised I’d play catch with Tim Tebow this afternoon.
Love,
God.
seriously leave me alone.
Dear God,
So glad You clarified things. I was getting a little perturbed myself about Bachmann’s flaunting statements about her relationship with You. And I don’t even have claims to “angel” status. I hope You won’t think me presumptuous, but I would like to asssure You that some of Your most devout ( and quietly confident) believers are indeed Hindus. We have some of the most wonderful temples devoted to You in Your myriad forms,
People often assume we Hindus worship multiple gods and get quite bent out of shape about this. But actually we think You are so great and omnipresent, that we worship You in Your various forms. Sort of like a woman who is a mother, aunt, sister, child, secretary, teacher and in Bachmann’s case, would-be President. Many different roles.
And some of us, the Advaitists, actually believe we are part of You … and so spend our lives trying to live up to that wonderful direct link.
I just thought You would be pleased to know that there are at least 600 million Hindus who really REALLY believe in You. It’s just that as you noted, we’re kind of quiet about it.
Your’s Very Sincerely,
An Advaitist/Christian/Buddhist/Animist
Can we not have a woman run for higher positions that are not bat shit crazy and or terrifying?
Dear God,
Good points, but don’t forget you are, in fact, also Allah. Yup, remember the hijinx with Sarah and Abram/Abraham and of course his mistress?
Bam! Religious schism. It was back when you were giving all sorts of crazy sex advice to humans (remember the incest is preferable to masturbation lesson of Onan?)
I’ll chalk it up to catching the crazy off Michele.
Love,
The Ghost of Judy Blume
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