If a news story starts with a Texas politician opening his/her mouth, you know it’s not good.

You’ll never see a story that reads “Texas Senator drafts world peace amendment” or “Texas lawmaker solves economic crisis”.  It’s always “Texas Legislature considering seceding from US” or “Texas Lawmakers offer $200 bounty for heads of scientists”.  I’m only using the slightest hint of hyperbole in these examples.  Don’t believe me?  The Houston Press just reported that State Rep John Whitmire successfully petitioned the Texas Criminal Justice Division to stop serving last meals to death row inmates.

Stating in his letter “Enough is enough”, Whitmire was outraged that former living person Lawrence Brewer ordered two chicken fried steaks, a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a large bowl of fried okra, three fajitas, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, a pound of barbecue and a half loaf of white bread before being shut off forever. Frankly, I’m surprised that meal didn’t give him a fatal heart attack right on the spot.

Bra-fucking-vo, Texas. You’ve certainly outdone yourselves on this one. Your justice system was already widely considered the most fucked up and heartless in the nation when you showed you had no problem executing the mentally handicapped and now you won’t even give them a fruit roll-up and sippy cup of milk before you whack ’em? Impressive.

My biggest concern is that the article didn’t state exactly what problem Sen. Whitmire had with the last meal other than it’s an “extremely inappropriate” privilege, “one which the perpetrator did not provide to their victim.” (protip – we’re supposed to be better and more merciful than the murderers)

Is it the cost? The law states that last meals can’t cost more than $40 and even if that’s an issue, this nation spends 100 million a year to execute a few dozen people (where’s the tea party and libertarians when you actually fucking need them?) so I doubt $40 is gonna break the bank.

Now I’m not going to go in depth about my opinion of the death penalty (don’t like it) but if we’re stuck with it we need to have a last meal. Society has spent generations romanticizing it. People talk about what their last meal would be at parties and awkward first dates. My friend, stand up comedian and oceanographer Brandi Brown shared a link on facebook to The Last Meals Project, a website showing the last meals of many death row inmates along with various death row statistics. It certainly provides a view into the state of mind these people are in right before they die and it certainly made me think about what I would order if I was on death row.

I’m not quite sure what I’d have for food. A nice pizza or steak. Something filling, I guess. The important part is the drink I’d have to accompany my meal. Two cans of OK soda.

I fucking loved OK soda when it was out and I’m not even much of a soda drinker.  It’s gone now and I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve tried. I always mix the soda together at the fountain whenever I’m at Burger King and I get close sometimes but it’s just not the same.

I’m not saying I’d commit murder to get a couple of cans of OK. I wouldn’t kill for that or any other reason. Even if I did, it couldn’t be in this state and statistically, I’d have to kill a white girl or I’d just get life in prison and no soda. I’m just saying that if you find yourself guilty of the murder of a white girl in a state that executes people, there’s your chance to get a can of OK soda. Just make sure it’s not Texas.

What would your last meal be? Feel free to leave a comment but if you live in Texas your comment has to be “Same thing every other prisoner is eating that day.”