Today is Canada Day, Canada’s national day of independence sort of. As somebody who lives in the U.S., I just assumed every country’s independence day celebrates how they kicked the shit out of the British. Cinco De Mayo? Celebration of Mexico kicking limey ass. Bastille day? Commemorates France’s historic victory of the British, earning the French independence. Russia day started in 1992 when the Russian people rose up against the yoke of British communism and embraced freedom.



Canada’s story of independence is actually quite interesting and I don’t know why it’s not taught more in the states. For those of you who aren’t aware of Canada’s history, I’ll give you the Cliff’s notes version of their fight for independence.



After losing it’s colonies in America in 1776 and in France after Bastille Day, England decided to tighten it’s reign over it’s remaining colonies and squeeze whatever it could out of them. Under Queen Victoria, the provinces of Canada were subject to unfair taxes like The Maple Syrup Tax, the Donut Tax, The Lumberjacking Tax and The Beaver Pelt Tax. The Canadians held an assembly where they politely asked the British if they could please stop oppressing them a little bit if it wouldn’t be too much trouble. The British, sensing a rebellion on their hands, sent boatloads of troops to impose martial law. While Quebec immediately surrendered, the other provinces decided it was aboot time they did something.



As the ships pulled into a southern port of Hudson bay, Canadian rebels were waiting on a patch of frozen ice. Using curved sticks, they launched frozen hunks of Inuit poop at the British soldiers. The troops immediately withdrew and Canada was granted it’s independence. The game of hockey is played every year as a Canadian revolutionary re-enactment and Quebec has been cursed to speak French for all time for it’s cowardice.



For actual information on Canada Day, look in a book or something. I got all my stuff off of wikipedia.