The FDA has unveiled new warnings that will cover 50% of any cigarette pack sold and 20% of any cigarette ad. The move, part of the Obama Administrations “Jesus Christ What the Fuck is With You Fat, Lazy Chainsmokers” initiative, states “These labels are frank, honest and powerful depictions of the health risks of smoking and they will help.” Below are the new labels.

The baby in top center is all like "Fuck you, smoke!".

A couple of things about the ads –

1:  Most of them make sense.   They’re supposed to show you that smoking will fuck up your teeth, put you on oxygen, fuck up your lungs, kill you or make you cry (center) but what’s with the guy in the “no smoking” shirt (left center)?  Is he going to come kick your ass if you don’t quit smoking?  Is he the embodiment of the healthy non smoker?  What’s his deal?

2:  These ads are pointless.  Everybody knows smoking gives you cancer, kills you, steals from old ladies’ purses etc.  Americans are not stupid, they’re just willfully ignorant and careless.  There’s a difference.

I smoked cigarettes for 14 years fully aware of the dangers and quit three months ago for one reason only, they’re expensive.  I’m a dumb, arrogant American and know that smoking kills everything around it but a friend’s grandma smoked a pack of unfiltered lucky strikes every day and by gum, she lived to be 100.  Maybe I could be that old lady… man someday.  Statistically, I won’t.  Statistically I’ll die of cancer even though I quit at 28 but that old lady is out there giving all the smokers hope like some fucked up living lottery ticket.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an admirable try by the FDA to wake people up and realize they’re slowly killing themselves but why stop at cigarettes?  They are the most dangerous but far from the only horrible thing that Americans shove in their bodies on a daily basis that are available everywhere.  They could extend the program and add  blunt warnings to –

Snickers Warning:  Hey Fatty Fat!  This Shit Log Will Give You Diabetes So Bad You Won’t Be Able to See the Doctor Saw Your Fucking Foot Off Because You’ll be Blind, Fatty!  

Beer Warning:  Drinking This Will Turn You Into a Fat, Loud Jackass Who Crashes His Car and Fucks Ugly People.  Seriously Ugly.  Like, Wow.  You’ve Heard The Term “Butterface”, Right?  Drink Enough of This Swill and You’ll Wake Up Next to a Butter-Fucking-Everything.

Chewing Tobacco Warning:  This Shit Will Give You Gross Ass Mouth Cancer and Make You Look Like the Dumbest Fucking Redneck at the Tractor Pull.  Spitting That Rancid Shit Into a Cup Makes Everybody Around You Want to Vomit, Jackass.  

They could call the initiative “Getting America Healthier by Pointing Out the Fucking Obvious”!