This is getting ridiculous.



When I made 11 different New Year’s Resolutions and decided to write about them weekly I knew some would be harder than others. In fact, I may have thrown one in there that I knew would be really easy so if I kept faltering on all my other resolutions I could at least say that I had one in the bag and that’s better than nothing.



That resolution was to stop biting my fingernails.



It’s something I do all the time. The tips of my fingernails are gnarled, shredded, ugly things. I haven’t been able to properly pick a dime off a table in years. While it’s annoying and sometimes painful I figured there’s plenty worse habits out there. This one’s pretty harmless, right?



Wrong.



Oh God. According to wikipedia, biting nails can fuck up your teeth, infect your cuticles and also cause you to eat your own poop. Seriously. Nail biting can “transfer pinworms or bacteria buried under the surface of the nail from the anus region to the mouth. When the bitten-off nails are swallowed stomach problems can develop.” Scratch your ass in your sleep, bite your nails, eat your own poop.



I’ve been terrible at keeping up with this resolution, too. I was doing fine in the first week and then out of boredom on a long car trip I found myself chewing on a nail. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was about halfway done. I’m totally back in the habit now and last week tore off a fingernail so bad it started bleeding.



I need to get better about this. Let’s see what webMD has to offer for tips on stopping this habit –



“Get regular manicures. If you spend the money to keep your nails looking attractive, you’ll be less likely to bite them.” While I do enjoy pampering myself I really don’t have the money to spend on weekly manicures. THANKS, OBAMA.



“Wear gloves or put self-adhesive bandages on the tips of your fingers so your nails won’t be accessible to bite.” If I’m going out in public with band aids over all of my fingertips I’ve got bigger problems than biting my fingernails. Has anybody actually taken this advice? Why not just wear one of those dog cones while you’re at it?

The only useful suggestion I saw was to get a bitter tasting clear nail polish. I had a friend who had a nail biting problem and used that stuff in the past. When he told me about it I was curious about what the stuff tasted like and asked if I could lick one of his fingernails. I couldn’t get the taste of that awful nail polish out of my mouth for hours and my friend still hasn’t got the image of me licking his finger out of his head. Things haven’t really been the same between us since then.



Whatever I do, I need to stop biting my goddamn nails. Then I can finally start going for that Guinness world record.