Pope Benedict recently announced that he’ll be stepping down from his duties, citing that his failing health is preventing him from fulfilling his papal duties. This is the first time in about 600 years that a pope has retired rather than die in office trying to burn all the sick days he’s accrued over his career.
To be fair, he really hasn’t been looking good recently.
This decision has left the vatican with the task of selecting a new pope. It won’t be easy. Anybody gunning for the job has to complete a series of tasks to prove that he has what it takes. Here’s just a few criteria that is viewed in the Vatican’s Pope selecting process.
* Recite the full name, birthdate and birthplace of Jesus.
* Live in absolute opulence, preach the teachings of Jesus Christ, see nothing contradictory about that.
* Wear a 30 pound hat for 5 hours without collapsing.
* Shit in the woods.
* Re-assign 20 pedophile priests to 20 new parishes while blindfolded.
* Go to church EVERY Sunday.
* Ignore 30 gays in under a minute.
* Correctly answer all questions posed by Joan Osborne in “What if God Was One of Us?”.
* Successfully crank call the Dalai Lama.
* Cut off the head of Pope Benedict, steal his power. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
Once he has murdered the previous pope, they incinerate the old pope’s head in the Vatican fireplace and a white smoke comes out the chimney, signaling a new pope has been selected.