The U.S. is in the middle of a flu epidemic. CNN is saying this is the worst flu season we’ve had in over a decade and many hospitals across the country are feeling the strain of the increase of flu related hospitalizations. Here’s some helpful tips to get you through the nasty flu season.



* Flu shots are one of the easiest ways to prevent the flu and there is no shortage of vaccine this year. The shot is about 60% effective so remember to get two. After two weeks of receiving the shots your blood will be 120% immunized so make sure to bleed indiscriminately wherever you think there might be flu virus.



* Wearing a surgical mask in public is a good way to keep the flu virus at arm’s length as nobody wants to be around a weirdo who wears surgical masks in public.



* If a friend or loved one is infected, limit their contact with other people as much as possible. Spread a rumor that the infected person is a pedophile.



* Don’t trust those cheap condoms the hooker brings with her. Bring your own condoms.



* Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. You should be doing that anyway. No wonder you got the flu, you pedo.



*Alcohol kills germs so be sure to keep yourself and everybody in your family at a minimum Blood-Alcohol Content of at least 0.17 at all times. Young children and the elderly are more susceptible to the flu so keep them at a higher BAC of about 0.20.



* If infected, make sure to infect 3 or 4 people as soon as possible. Each time you infect somebody else that’s half the virus leaving your body.



* Chicken soup is one of the oldest flu remedies known to man. Increase the effectiveness by bypassing the soup and just eating a whole fried chicken. Eat as much fried chicken as you can until you feel better.



* The flu virus can’t infect a dead man. When it comes down to it the only way to completely beat this thing is via suicide. This is only to be used as a last resort so don’t kill yourself unless you think you’re exhibiting flu-like symptoms.