Monthly Archives: September 2012

An Outsider’s Guide to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

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For the last four weekends my wife has been out in Chaska working the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. While I’ve never had a desire to work there I always enjoy going out a few times every year to hang out.



I never actually had been to the Ren Fest until I started dating Jena and I have to say, it’s really fun. I love eating the authentic medieval foods like fajitas and frozen cheesecake on a stick, playing authentic medieval carnival games like the batarang toss and watching authentic medieval entertainment like yo mama snaps.



The only authentic part of the Ren Fest is that you won’t see a lot of black people there.




While the Ren Fest is fun, it can certainly be overwhelming if it’s your first time there. Here’s a few things to look out for if you plan on breaking your Ren Fest cherry without a proper guide –


TURKEY LEGS
This is the unofficial symbol of Renaissance Festivals everywhere. It’s the first thing anybody thinks of if they don’t know much about Ren Fests. The giant turkey leg. The kind you can club somebody with. A big slab of meat that you throw your head at and rip the meat off like some barbarian motherfucker. I was totally excited to eat a turkey leg on my first trip to the Ren Fest but then about 2 dozen people who worked there looked at me like I was crazy. I guess they wrap the legs in spam, store them in a moist pit underground and have methed out teenagers wave them under a heat lamp for five minutes before spitting on them and selling them to you. I don’t know if any of that is true but I haven’t had a turkey leg at the Ren Fest yet and I don’t plan on it.



PEOPLE IN COSTUME
There’s a lot of people in costume there. Not employees, but patrons. They won’t just dress up in Medieval garb, either. These people will dust off pretty much any costume they have available –

Haven’t seen Gollum at the Ren Fest… yet. Also this is the fourth blog post of mine that contains this picture. Thanks for snapping it, Gus!





Last week I saw a guy in the parking lot wearing a giant banana costume and a jedi. It’s just like at the sci fi conventions. People want to wear these costumes in public, there’s only so many times a year they can do it and nobody at the Ren Fest will judge them.



CARNIES
These are the people that run the games at the Ren Fest. Most of them are human garbage. My first encounter with their lack of humanity was 3 years ago when I was walking around the Festival with my stepson. The woman at the dunk tank asked if I wanted to “make a lady really wet”. I pointed to the child in my care two feet away from me and said “hi. He’s 8. Please don’t be creepy.” She said “Come on, daddy. Gotta make him a man one of these days.” Last weekend I was walking by the carnival games when I heard one of the workers tell somebody in a wheelchair “Oh, lucky! You get to just sit and let people push you around all day!”



If the Ren Fest were Parks and Recreation the games workers there would be the librarians.



THE KING



This is your target.





The ultimate goal of the Renaissance Festival is to overthrow the king. Violence to take the throne was banned at the Ren Fest ever since King George beheaded King Richard in front of a crowd of 800 children from area elementary schools on a field trip in 1973. The current king Henry seized the throne in a bloodless coup in 2006. Should you get him to publicly admit defeat and hand you the crown you have all the rights and perks of the king during the Ren Fest. You get the crown, the cape, a half dozen guards with those funny looking spears and the right to sleep with any virgin employee of the Festival on the night before her wedding.



Hope this info helps! Enjoy!

Road Head

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I’ve been toying with the idea of different things I can do from home to supplement our income. I think we’re actually doing alright, but I have this itch to make money. Like I need to start setting aside extra for the upcoming winter. Squirrels are getting fat… It’s gonna be a hard one.

Anyway, quick quiz. Which of the following have I NOT contemplated doing for extra income:

  1. Part time work from home remotely.
  2. Crafting items to sell on-line and at craft shows.
  3. Offering tech support and computer repair locally.
  4. Flagging down cars and offering a strip tease.

Okay, I lied. I’ve contemplated all of these. I mean, I only contemplated the strip tease thing briefly after reading about a woman arrested for flagging down cars and offering a strip tease for cash, but it did cross my mind. I mean, it’s like when someone says “don’t think about Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Regan having sex,” and then you picture it, even though you didn’t want to and now you can’t unthink it.

I got some foreign relations for you in my pants.

Anyway, I say good for this woman. Very entrepreneurial of her. Way to make a business out of limited resources. I mean, we all know sex sells. If we want to play stereotypes (in a comedy blog? GASP), men love the sex. Rumor has it that’s all they think about. Sex, and maybe cars. And if a guy’s already in a car, his next thought is probably sex. AMIRIGHT?!??

Whatever you want to say about stereotyping guys, this entrepreneur and this blogger aren’t the only ones to do so. In Maylasia, a car wash offered free sex after your tenth car wash.

Hey- can I get the express wash with a happy ending?

The car wash had partnered with a local “massage parlor.” The wash had a punch card-like system, and once you hit your 10th car wash, you could exchange it at the “massage parlor” for sex. The article states that police had done a raid and “many” of the the customers had reward cards.

What? That car wash was the best in town! They had a hot wax option, great buffers, and really knew how to clean out the under-carriage.

TOPICAL JOKE BARRAGE!

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Alright kids! Time for a new recurring post theme called “Topical Joke Barrage!” where I take a story out of the news and see how many different jokes I can make based on that premise! Let’s begin!


News story: Rotten Egg Smell Engulfs Southern California.



Guess the wind must have kicked up while Kim Kardashian had her legs open near the beach. Bam!


Looks like a wind must have blown through the beach while Paris Hilton sunbathed with her legs open. Boom!


I heard Lindsay Lohan was at the beach with her legs open when a wind blew through. Zing!


Must have been a wind that passed through Katy Perry’s legs while they were open at the beach. Ba-dum-dum!


It appears a wind picked up at the beach while Jonah Hill’s legs were open. Bing!


Seems Snooki was relaxing with her legs open while a wind blew threw the beach and subsequently, her legs. Kaboom!


Nicki Minaj beach wind legs open. Blam!


Something something beep bop doodily bip Miley Cyrus. Queef!





(celebrity names courtesy of tmz.com and jezebel.com).


Monkey Pants Pick-Up Lines

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Look, this post is going to be a little short. I’ve been sick with stabbing stomach pains, and just woke up from over 12 hours of being asleep. Also, I have a pain in my neck that won’t go away. Also, I got caught up eating my bon-bons and watching my shows.

What? I’m trying to be a good home-maker.

Yesterday, Bill posted about 9/11, so I’m not going to. Everyone else will, and I’d like to provide a little escapism.

And man, have I got a story for you, kids. It seems that 3 guys got arrested the other day for trying to smuggle monkeys out of India in their pants.

It seems they got caught when “Custom officers … spotted a bulge in one man’s underwear.”

  • “Is that a monkey in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “Hey baby- wanna see my prehensile tail?”
  • “I gotta monkey you can tame right HERE” (gestures at crotch)
  • “Monkeys usually only hang off the largest limb on a tree… wanna see?”
  • “Would you like free admission to my private zoo?”

All joking aside, the poor things are a delicate species and are currently in a deteriorating state… likely to die.

And all that monkey wanted was a banana.

Freedom is not Free.

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MSNBC recently reported that the 9/11 memorial will cost $60,000,000 a year to operate. While many people are criticizing that the cost is far too high, the foundation that runs the memorial states that all the costs are necessary. Here’s just some of the unique features of the memorial and their projected costs.

$2mil: Fountain filled with bald eagle tears.

$7mil: Muslim detector.

$10mil: Research lab where geneticists are attempting to splice the DNA of Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith to create the perfect patriotic songwriter.

$1mil: Speaking fees for former President Bush to have weekly readings of “The Pet Goat”.

$600,000: Christian baby blood to be fed to the shape shifting lizards that live underground and shape world events to keep you complacent and asleep! Open your eyes and read some David Icke, man!

$2mil: Daily double feature of United 93 and World Trade center in Imax.

Dolls That Offend Sensitivities

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Some of you know that I have a weird, super weird fear. Walking, talking teddy bears. Teddy Ruxpin, the Charmin bear, Snuggles, the Care Bears…

When I say that to people, they give me this shocked look, like I just told them that the cuddly-est thing on earth freaks me out. Cause, well, I just did. Though most people will give me a pass for Teddy Ruxpin.

Creepy Fucker.

I seriously had to take a deep breath and prepare myself for the results of this Google image search. I mean, I had THOUSANDS of these creepy things looking at me. You people have no appreciation for what I do for you. You’re welcome.

A lot of people say “but what about the Care Bears? They do good things.” NO. No they don’t. I want you to think about this for a moment. There are these walking, talking teddy bears that look down on you from the clouds… watching you… and when they don’t like what you’re doing, they come down and SHOOT YOU WITH BEAMS THAT COME OUT OF THEIR STOMACHS and change you, making you do what THEY want you to do.

It’s like the religious right in cuddle form. And that doesn’t scare you?

Anyway, what brings all of this up for me is the newest craze in Korea. Kong Suni, the Farting doll.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/P8zT2vh6rB4]

That’s right. This doll will eat smileys, poop them out again, and fart when you rub her tummy. You can get the one that has the flush-able toilet to facilitate potty training. When I first read “Korean Farting Doll,” I thought it might be one of those weird sex dolls to fulfill awkward fetishes. I mean, Japan sells used panties in vending machines. Why not farting sex dolls?

The whole farting doll thing is, I think, an overall good idea. Dolls to facilitate learning. Teach potty training. Teach how to change a diaper (Fact: the first diaper I remember changing was Jared’s. I never had one of those fancy dolls to teach me how). Maybe they could make dolls to teach world peace, or tolerance of other cultures.

Or, they could make The Retarded Doll.

It’s ICE CREAM. Jeez.

No really. This is a thing. And I know the gut reaction is offense, but I want you to read the article and interview. This is a doll with cerebral palsy, created by a group that assists… oh god, what’s the term now? Not handicapped… disabled? Differently abled? Challenged? Special?

Look, I’m just as sensitive as the next person, but I really don’t know what the PC term is. Even though the doll is called the Retard doll, I have problems using it. I feel like that’s THEIR word. Because they’re different from me and need to be treated as such.

Point is, this doll does not offend me. It was made to challenge people’s conceptions of people with specific challenges that the rest of us, and educate us on how those conceptions limit and dehumanize them.

Do you know what does offend me? Creepy ass bears shooting me with their change beams, telling me I’m not good enough and have to become someone else. Now THAT’S fucking offensive.

“Wild Bill Bauer Got me my Start in Comedy.”

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Bill Bauer passed away last week. For the few reading this that may not know of him, he was a comedian. One of the first in the twin cities, actually. He and several other comics started doing their own regular show at a bar in Northeast Minneapolis called Mickey Finn’s when there was no other stand up comedy going on in the TC. That punk rock ethos helped turn this town to a place where young comics can get stage time every night of the week if they want to.



If that indirect infulence on the young comics of today wasn’t enough. Bill was tireless in trying to help young comics develop by getting them work. Just one scroll down his facebook wall and you’ll see dozens and dozens of comics posting things like “Wild Bill got me my start” and “Bill got me my first paid gig in comedy”. The man loved comedy and loved watching comics grow, to see potential turn into talent.



That being said, Bill Bauer did not get me my start in comedy.



(brief intro for non-comics or stand up fans. Stand up shows usually have 3 comics –
MC: First up, hosts the show. Does 10-15 minutes.
Feature: Middle act. Does about 20-30 minutes.
Headliner: Last comic. Does 45-60 minutes.)



I did work with him on my first feature gig on the road. It was at a hotel bar in Eau Claire, WI for 2 nights. Bauer was headlining and asked around for somebody new that could feature for him. A couple of people recommended me and I took the gig even though I was completely not ready to feature. I had been doing comedy for just a year and was not at all prepared to be on stage for 20 minutes but I jumped at the opportunity for paid work. Also, free hotel stay! Besides, I was sure that I could bullshit my way through that 15 minutes of material that I didn’t have by talking slower or crowd rap or… I really didn’t think it through.



That weekend I ate it. Hard. I don’t even remember what jokes I told but I do remember how long I went. 9 minutes the first night and 11 minutes the second. I blamed the crowd for “not getting me” because I was an arrogant douchey 19 year old and got drunk at the bar(I look way older than I am and bars never card the comedian) pissed off that the audience didn’t think 9 minutes of stammering nonsense was hilarious.



The morning after the last show I got a phone call from one of the people who recommended me. He asked how the weekend went and I told him that the crowd sucked and I went a little short but other than that I did pretty well. He said that Bill Bauer called him at 8 AM screaming over the phone “I can’t believe you recommended this guy to me! He’s not funny AT ALL! He doesn’t have a SINGLE JOKE!” I subsequently went on a rant about how Bauer’s just old, out of touch and doesn’t get how comedy works.



We drove back to the cities together and the only two things he talked about on the ride back were the problems with his car and the problems with my act. This pissed me off. I had a lot of pride attached to my comedy because it’s really the first thing in life I’ve ever made a serious effort to achieve. To have somebody flat-out say that I wasn’t good at it pissed me off to the point where I didn’t want to listen to anything he had to say. Anytime he came up in conversation the next few years I’d just talk about what an asshole he was.



Of course I was wrong. I ate shit two shows in a row and did less than half my time when I’m supposed to be setting the crowd up for him, the headliner. It took me years to realize what a dick I was. Looking back, I’m surprised I even got paid for that weekend considering how bad I fucked it up.



He didn’t hire me for 2 years after that and I don’t blame him. There’s no secrets in the stand up community so I’m sure he heard some of the horrible things I’ve said about him second hand. The next time I ended up working for him was for a New Year’s show 3 years later thanks to his son, Patrick.



Pat started doing open mics around town and the two of us became fast friends. He convinced his dad to bring me to feature a New Year’s show and even though Bill had every right to say no he still booked me. When I got to the show he said “now you know how I feel about your act but Patrick says you’re very funny so let’s see what you got.” I’ve worked for him many times since then. The last contact I had with him was two weeks ago when he booked me for his New Hope room in November.



Bill Bauer didn’t get me my start in comedy but he did give me a second chance. I gave him plenty of good reasons to just write me off but he didn’t. He listened to his son and decided to give me another shot.



To actually examine something from multiple angles even after you’ve formed an opinion on it is rare. So many people today are completely rigid and inflexible in their beliefs. It’s why being a “flip-flopper” is considered bad in politics. It’s like critical thinking is not in style. Bill Bauer possessed that skill and because of that I benefited in spite of myself.



Thank you, Bill. You will be missed.

Seriously What the Hell is a Delegate?

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Well, it’s convention time here in the U.S. –



One candidate to rule them all!





Wait. Different kind of convention. Although if political party conventions had cosplay it’d definitely make politics more interesting. Whatever. The Republican National Convention just wrapped up last week and the Democratic National Convention is just starting so we all know what that means!



It means… that… President…



Okay I honestly don’t know what these conventions are all about. Really.



I know it’s where the candidate for that party officially accepts his nomination and there’s delegates there. Also old people and empty chairs for some reason



After looking around on wikipedia, I found this out about delegates. “The Democratic Party of the United States uses pledged delegates and superdelegates. A candidate for the Democratic nominee must win a majority of combined delegate votes at the Democratic National Convention.
Pledged delegates are elected or chosen at the state or local level, with the understanding that they will support a particular candidate at the convention. Pledged delegates are however not actually bound to vote for that candidate, thus the candidates are allowed to periodically review the list of delegates and eliminate any of those they feel would not be supportive. Currently there are 3,253 pledged delegates.” The republican party has a near identical system for delegates.



So basically when states have primaries, their delegates go and vote for the person who won in that state but sometimes they don’t have to or something? Also there’s superdelegates who can do whatever they want?



So… are delegates even necessary? I don’t get the point. I know this is going to sound weird since I’m talking about the government but this whole process seems inefficient and riddled with redundancy. Not to mention expensive –



When fiscal conservatives throw a party they ironically spare no expense. Do you know how much it cost them to make that mute Obama lookalike invisible?





I really can’t think of a practical reason that we’re still using this system in the electoral process but I do have a few theories as to why we keep it around.


Protesters get to riot, cops get to bust heads, everybody gets to let off some steam.



Everybody wins in a riot!





Weird conspiracy with the button and balloon companies to boost sales.



I’m onto you…





Gives musicians a chance to show their political affiliation.



3 Doors Down played the RNC this year. This was a big shock as nobody knew 3 Doors Down were still together.





While I can’t be sure why these delegates exist I think we all can agree on one thing. 3 Doors Down sucks. They’re like Nickleback without the personality.

Gay Thoughts

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Kids, we have a problem. I keep having gay thoughts.

I don’t mean sexual things like making out with chicks, slowly stroking her back, taking in the fragrance of her hair while I caress her body, tracing her curves, exploring the beautiful form that is the female body until we start excessively grunting like two lady players on a tennis court.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/j-_5EDVpLXY]

No, I don’t mean that. I’m bisexual, or “part gay,” so it would make sense for me to have those thoughts. I’m SUPPOSED to have those thoughts. Especially when it comes to tennis.

I also don’t mean all these thoughts I’ve been having about gay rights like the ability to get married to the person you love or not getting beaten to death because someone assumes you’re gay. Hell, not even the right to wear a skirt as a dude or, well, I suppose chicks can wear pants now…. how about boxers? They can? Well shit… um… jock straps? I’ll go with jock straps.

This is a real thing.

None of that is a problem because civil liberties and freedom of expression and not having to fear for your life or safety (physical or emotional) because of who you are should be available to everyone as stated in our bill of rights.

I don’t even mean the thoughts I’ve had about how my religion/spirituality views gay sex. Because Jesus said absolutely nothing on the subject, and any other reference to homosexuality in the Bible is either something from a portion of the Bible that says it’s okay to sell your children into slavery, or words that have been mis-translated from concepts such as “child rapist”.

Really, homosexuality in the Bible has way more to do with children than two dudes having sex.

And this whole MN Marriage Amendment… the gay thoughts I’ve been having about that? Doesn’t bother me. As Bill said earlier, if the amendment gets shot down, it doesn’t mean gay people can get married. It will STILL be illegal for two chicks to get hitched and make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. It still won’t affect a church’s ability to deny a couple the ability to get married in their church for whatever reason they deem the couple unfit.

As an aside, here’s a thing I said on Facebook that’s getting passed around and reposted. Please feel free to do the same:

No church is, or ever has been, forced to perform a marriage they did not approve of. Many of my friends have either had to convert to get married in a specific church, or get married outside of their church because their partner was not of that particular denomination.

And honestly, I’m fine with the idea of civil unions in state and marriages in church. but that’s not how we’re set up. We are set up for heterosexuals to get married by the state, but not homosexuals. If it’s the state doing it, and a group of people is denied the right to participate, it becomes a civil issue.

You don’t want your church to marry the gays? Neat. You go ahead an deny them the right to get married in your church. But you don’t get to deny them a civil right. THAT is what separation of church and state means. It means your church can’t tell the state what to do, and the state can’t tell your church to perform a holy union it doesn’t believe in.

No, the gay thoughts I’ve been having are FAR more sinister than that. It’s the OTHER gay thoughts I’ve been having.

For instance, a gay friend of mine has been going through some financial difficulties, and he’s been thinking of ways he could try to supplement his income. But, OMG, with this switch from me being the bread winner to Bill doing so, I’VE BEEN HAVING THE SAME THOUGHTS!

Also, a lesbian friend of mine was having difficulties deciding what to wear the other day, and I think about what I’m going to wear ALL THE TIME!!!

Also also, a friend of mine got into a serious accident recently, and a gay friend of mine was talking about how scary that was, and how his heart really went out to all his loved ones, and wishing for a speedy recovery. AND I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!

Kids, something has to be done about this. Legislation should be passed to keep the gays with their gay thoughts out of my head, to prevent me from being exposed to sin, and to save me from myself. I can’t even think normally without having the same thoughts as gays.

I guess the only way to save myself from these gay thoughts is to just stop thinking at all.