In the proud college fraternity tradition of strangely combining homophobia and homoeroticism, a University of Tennessee student was hospitalized with a blood alcohol content of nearly .45, allegedly achieving the nearly fatal alcohol poisoning via alcohol enemas`. The student vehemently denied he did such a thing but bloodstains and eyewitnesses confirm that he was, as the Knoxville News Literally called it several times in their article about the incident, “butt chugging.”



The craziest part of this story isn’t even how college kids are now apparently shoving boxed wine up their rectums to get drunk quicker (to be fair, have you tasted the boxed stuff?), it was the statement that was released by the Pi Alpha Kappa Fraternity after the… butt chugging incident happened in a Pi Alpha Kappa house.

“The recent allegations against these individuals have come as a complete shock to The Pi Kappa Alpha International Fraternity, its 15,000 undergraduate members and over 200,000 living alumni, family and friends,” the statement lied. “Pi Kappa Alpha’s mission is to develop men of integrity, intellect and high moral character and to foster a truly lifelong fraternal experience. These alleged activities are clearly not consistent with that mission, nor are they representative of what the fraternity would expect from any of its members.”



Come on, Pi Alpha Kappa, don’t try to blow Franzia up our asses. It’s one thing to condemn the actions of your members but don’t act surprised that there’s been an alcohol poisoning at a goddamn fraternity! You might as well act surprised that there was a date rape at a fraternity. Or act surprised when a hazing incident at a fraternity goes horribly awry, seriously injuring and sometimes even killing a pledge. Or act surprised when systematic cheating on tests goes on in a fraternity…



Wait, why the hell do we still have these things around anyway?

except as the settings for shitty straight-to-video National Lampoon movies.