Some of you know that I have a weird, super weird fear. Walking, talking teddy bears. Teddy Ruxpin, the Charmin bear, Snuggles, the Care Bears…

When I say that to people, they give me this shocked look, like I just told them that the cuddly-est thing on earth freaks me out. Cause, well, I just did. Though most people will give me a pass for Teddy Ruxpin.

Creepy Fucker.

I seriously had to take a deep breath and prepare myself for the results of this Google image search. I mean, I had THOUSANDS of these creepy things looking at me. You people have no appreciation for what I do for you. You’re welcome.

A lot of people say “but what about the Care Bears? They do good things.” NO. No they don’t. I want you to think about this for a moment. There are these walking, talking teddy bears that look down on you from the clouds… watching you… and when they don’t like what you’re doing, they come down and SHOOT YOU WITH BEAMS THAT COME OUT OF THEIR STOMACHS and change you, making you do what THEY want you to do.

It’s like the religious right in cuddle form. And that doesn’t scare you?

Anyway, what brings all of this up for me is the newest craze in Korea. Kong Suni, the Farting doll.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/P8zT2vh6rB4]

That’s right. This doll will eat smileys, poop them out again, and fart when you rub her tummy. You can get the one that has the flush-able toilet to facilitate potty training. When I first read “Korean Farting Doll,” I thought it might be one of those weird sex dolls to fulfill awkward fetishes. I mean, Japan sells used panties in vending machines. Why not farting sex dolls?

The whole farting doll thing is, I think, an overall good idea. Dolls to facilitate learning. Teach potty training. Teach how to change a diaper (Fact: the first diaper I remember changing was Jared’s. I never had one of those fancy dolls to teach me how). Maybe they could make dolls to teach world peace, or tolerance of other cultures.

Or, they could make The Retarded Doll.

It’s ICE CREAM. Jeez.

No really. This is a thing. And I know the gut reaction is offense, but I want you to read the article and interview. This is a doll with cerebral palsy, created by a group that assists… oh god, what’s the term now? Not handicapped… disabled? Differently abled? Challenged? Special?

Look, I’m just as sensitive as the next person, but I really don’t know what the PC term is. Even though the doll is called the Retard doll, I have problems using it. I feel like that’s THEIR word. Because they’re different from me and need to be treated as such.

Point is, this doll does not offend me. It was made to challenge people’s conceptions of people with specific challenges that the rest of us, and educate us on how those conceptions limit and dehumanize them.

Do you know what does offend me? Creepy ass bears shooting me with their change beams, telling me I’m not good enough and have to become someone else. Now THAT’S fucking offensive.