“Hello, Clint? Hi, it’s me. Bob. Bob Newhart.



Thanks, I’m a huge fan of your work myself. Yes, I did see the speech last night, that’s actually what I’m calling about. No, I’m not asking to join your secret society of Hollywood conservatives but I’m glad to hear your organization is growing. There’s you, and you mentioned Jon Voight in your speech last night and…



Oh, that’s it? Well, it’s a start.



But, really, I-I really want to talk about the bit where you had the conversation with the President in the chair. Well, some might call it stealing, Clint.



It’s just that the one sided imaginary conversation is sort of my signature bit. For decades, actually.



Well I’m flattered that you consider me an “inspiration” for that part of your speech but you could at least try to get it right. For starters, I usually use a phone.



I disagree, it makes a big difference. See, when you’re on the phone, people can suspend their disbelief a bit and let themselves believe you’re actually having a conversation. It puts them at ease and allows the routine to flow better. When you’re addressing an empty chair onstage it just looks like you’re an old man suffering dementia who wandered into a convention center.

The stammering didn’t help either. Yes, I know but when I do it it just makes me seem flustered and insecure. When an 82 year old man talking to a chair does it –



No, I do appreciate your dedication to being faithful to the bit, but… Well, if you really wanted to be faithful you could have tried to make it funny.



No, I saw the whole thing.



Yes, even the part where you said to the chair ‘No, I won’t shut up!’ It’s just, if you want to do this in a speech again, could you give me a call beforehand?



Oh, no. Not to help you write it. To tell you you can’t do it.



Thanks. Okay, I have to go. I’ve got Sir Walter Raleigh on hold.”