MSNBC has an article today speculating who Romney’s going to pick for his running mate. They’re calling it the “Veepstakes” because the only way they can try to make this sound remotely interesting is with a shitty pun.



Seriously. The stuff they’re speculating is just a bunch of bottom of the barrel no names and gimmicks. The primaries were such a bloodbath that anybody who lasted more than two weeks is out of the running because they probably had a TV ad about how Romney eats babies. Let’s look at the people that the media thinks Romney might pick.



Chris Christie

Gov. Christie singing with his band Blues Traveler.

Alright. I could talk about his years as a shameless lobbyist fighting for the government to deregulate energy companies (because the last thing they need is a tight leash) and easing up laws on securities fraud (because who really gets hurt in that?), his crazy budget slashing as NJ governor or his mob ties but let’s just shelve all that and poke fun at his weight.

Seriously, his name sounds like a chain of steak houses and he looks like he’s eaten a chain of steakhouses, booths and all. He’ll probably turn down Romney just because he’s scared that being a running mate may involve actual running. Ba-Zing!

It’s okay. I can make these jokes. I’m fat.



Kelly Ayotte

I see what you did there…

I get it. Going the Palin strategy of an attractive woman nobody’s heard of but this time make her a little less attractive so people don’t just automatically assume she’s a ditz. Maybe do a little research this time around and actually make sure she’s not a ditz (have her name a newspaper, make sure she doesn’t say things like as a resident of New Hampshire she can see Canadians out of her back yard or whatever).

Here’s the problem. She’s a little bit Palin and a little bit Bachmann. Ayotte’s batshit crazy and a total crusader. As a prosecutor in New Hampshire she sought the death penalty for a guy who murdered an off duty cop rather than life without parole. The main criticism comes from the fact that the death penalty is super expensive, costing over $2mil in appeals to date. It’s going to cost even more because New Hampshire hasn’t executed somebody in over 70 years. They don’t even have a facility to do so. They’re gonna have to drop another $3mil on top of all the appeals cost to build a facility just to kill this dude.

She also took a suit against Planned Parenthood all the way to the Supreme Court. She lost and had to pay Planned Parenthood’s attorney fees.



Rob Portman

Senator Whitebread McWhogivesashit

Rob Portman is a seven term (yawn) Congressman turned Senator from Ohio (yipee!). He… was the director for, oh God, the Office of Budget Management andas;dlkur zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (snore). My money’s on this guy.



Pawlenty!

T-Paw!

I really hope Pawlenty gets the nomination. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his politics. I just felt bad for him after his 11th hour snub in 2008. He pretty much thought he was going to get that nomination only to get beat out by Palin. All those years of ass kissing, ladder climbing and saying what he thought people wanted to hear and that was the thanks he got. You can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.

He’d probably make a fine running mate, too. He’s very obedient and if you throw a sweater vest on him he’ll kind of look like Santorum so that’ll get the crazy fundamentalist Christians on your side.

Santorum or Pawlenty in a sweater vest? Can you tell the difference?

Whatever Romney decides I’m sure it will be awful.