After recalling the worst vampire movies I’ve ever seen the other day it got me thinking about the worst movie ever.
Not the worst movie of a certain genre, not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The worst movie, objectively ever. That movie is Adam Sandler’s “8 Crazy Nights”
Worst pile of shit film ever.
While I’m not a super fan of Adam Sandler I certainly don’t have a mad-on for him. I’ve seen plenty of his films. I’ve liked some and thought others were stupid. This one, however, is the worst movie of all time.
I tried remembering some of the movie but I haven’t seen it in nearly a decade and when I was younger I rarely saw a movie without being completely fucked up so 2002-2005 there are a lot of movies that I have a bit of a hard time remembering. I could watch the whole Lord of the Rings trilogy and it would be a completely new experience for me.
Luckily, 8 Crazy Nights is on Netflix so I’m going to watch it this morning while blogging about it to see if it’s actually as bad as I remember.
1 Minute in: The first sentence of dialogue is a racist Chinese caricature. The second is a 15 second long burp.
3 Minutes: Cartoon Sandler is fucking his car in front of a couple of cops dirty talking it in his “abbie doobie” dumb guy voice
4 minutes: Holy shit as if singing a song about how he drinks because he hates the holidays that start with the opening line “I’m the kind of guy who can’t stand a holiday so I drink ’em away” isn’t bad enough. He farts a visible green cloud of fart gas at a bunch of carolers.
5 minutes: “What if the audience doesn’t pick up on the subtle fact that Sandler’s horrible behavior comes from a place of self loathing?” “We’ll make the chorus of the song ‘I hate love, I hate you, I hate me’. Hopefully the moviegoers will get it.”
I gotta slow down. I vaguely remember there being a bunch of deer laughing so hard they violently shit everywhere and if I keep up at this pace this post will be 2000 words and it’ll take me three hours to watch this pile of garbage.
6 minutes: And here comes the old guy Sandler voice!
7 minutes: Wait a second, a drunk sentenced by a judge to coach youth sports? This is just the plot of The Mighty Ducks!
8 minutes: The narrator laughs at his own joke “Whitey’s so behind the times he thinks Viagra is a large waterfall”. The laugh is forced. So very forced.
10 minutes: Fat kid falls down. Old guy has an epileptic fit. Laughs abound.
11 minutes: Old guy walks through a mall and lists off every store by name, talking about how each one is amazing.
16 minutes: A bunch of men in tuxedos pee their pants for no reason in a musical number.
18 minutes: Oh he’s a dick because his parents died. Some people become Batman when their parents die. Now I’m just mad that this movie isn’t Batman. It could have been Batman.
21 minutes: Old guy gonna clean out some port a potties. This won’t end well.
22 minutes: It doesn’t! Old guy has poop all over him!
23 minutes: Sandler sprays the old guy down with a hose and now he’s frozen in a block of shit ice. Some deer come to help him out and are licking the shit ice to melt it. During the rescue, one of the deer looks at the camera and flashes a big, toothy, shit covered grin. What the fuck didn’t make it into this script?
24 minutes: “If we lose, I’ll eat my own jock strap!” Oh man don’t you know what movie you’re in? You’re totally gonna eat a jock strap.
29 minutes: He’s eating a jockstrap! Well that happened four minutes later than I thought.
31 minutes: During one of the songs that only seem to serve as exposition for people who don’t watch any of the non musical parts of the movie, cut to a bunch of smiling deer, all poop filled mouths.
39 minutes: Man they really think seizures are funny.
43 minutes: No gags for 3 minutes so they have the old guy do the robot for no reason.
45 minutes: Oh no right before the third act when Sandler was making progress he became a jackass again for no reason!
48 minutes: It’s here! I remember this scene! Drunken Sandler breaks into an empty mall and all the store brand logos sing a song to help him! Foot Locker, Panda Express and GNC saves the day!
55 minutes: Okay, the mayor tells a really lame joke at a banquet and everybody goes fucking insane with laughter. Some Russian guy does that Russian dance, a table of kids shoot bright green snot out of their noses, the Chinese stereotype rips his shirt off and bangs his head against the table and yes, the group of deer outside are rolling around laughing and shitting everywhere. Deer + feces = comedy gold.
57 minutes: Sandler gives himself a wedgie in penance.
61 minutes: This is like the third joke about a woman with three boobs. The joke is that she has three boobs. It’s funny.
65 minutes: They simply won’t mention Hanukkah without also mentioning Christmas. It’s like they didn’t even have the balls to just make this a Hanukkah movie.
68 minutes: The guy everybody hates convinces everybody to respect the guy nobody respects with an awful song.
70 minutes: Right before the end they cut to the three tit girl nursing three babies. Old guy has a seziure and the movie is over. Roll credits while a live version of the Hanukkah Song Part 3 plays. I pull the gun out of my mouth, hand trembling, tears streaming down my face.