Earlier this week there was a news story about a naked man attacking somebody and eating 80% of their face. Immediately half the people I know shared the story on facebook with the comment “The zombie apocalypse begins!”. Jena showed me the story and said I should blog about it but I decided against it, feeling the story was overdone and the punchline was way too easy.

Later a story broke about some low rent Canadian porn star killing a man, eating parts of him and mailing other parts to places around Canada.

George Romero never warned us that zombies would be dressed as douchebags.

Now there’s a story about a college student in Maryland ate his roommate’s brain and heart.



The girlfriend of the guy from the first story actually said in an interview that she now believes in voodoo because her boyfriend would never do such a thing.



While the CDC has had a zombie prepardness page for some time as a jokey/educational disaster prepardness campaign, they felt that with recent stories they actually had to come out and tell people that zombies aren’t real. Sorry, CDC but all evidence points to the contrary.



With the government obviously unprepared, dealing with the zombie problem will obviously be left to the general populace which means two groups of people are going to come out on top. Nerds and rednecks.



Rednecks have the guns, hunting experience, trucks and general survival skills. Nerds have run the scenario of a zombie apocalypse in their heads countless times. Honestly. If you’re not a nerd, you probably know one. Ask them what they’d do in the event of a zombie apocalypse and they’ll tell you in exhausting detail plans A, B and C. What they’d do with the slow Romero zombies, the fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies, the 28 Days Later virus zombies. Nerds will tell you where they’d go, who they’d bring, what weapons they’d carry and their long term plan.



With nerds and rednecks being the two main subcultures that would survive the oncoming zombie onslaught a new civilization will form when the dust settles and the outbreak is under control. Expect to see fuel-efficient NASCAR and some of the most nuanced and intelligent writing professional wrestling has ever seen. As much as I’m not looking forward to a war with the undead I have to admit I can’t wait to hear MC Frontalot’s country album.



Frankly, though, I could do without Trucknutz and a confederate flag on the TARDIS.