We all have those moments in our lives that we wish we could have done over. A situation where we could have handled something more gracefully or said something more clever –
The jerk store called. They’re running out of you!
This is one of those stories.
Yesterday Jena, Jared (my stepson), my sister, her husband and I all carpooled down to Little Canada to hang out with my mom for Mother’s day. Mom wanted to go to Culver’s for lunch but there wasn’t enough room in the car for everybody so Jena, the boy and I walked there as it was only a few blocks away and if I was going to eat at a place that calls their hamburgers “Butterburgers” I might want to get some exercise.
As we were walking towards Culver’s we came across some geese strutting down the street like they were a bunch of cows in India.
Buncha arrogant pricks.
I think we can all agree that geese are jerks. They’re loud, they’ll walk down the middle of any street like they own it, they shit all over little league baseball fields and they fight people with lightsabers for no reason.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKyu0NlnnWQ&w=420&h=315]
Geese suck so I figured it would be of no consequence when I turned to Jena and said “Gimme a sec. I’m gonna go chase a goose for a bit.” She gave me the standard “you’re such a child” and off I went to go bother a goose for a few seconds.
The aim here is neither to catch or hit the goose. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with a goose if I caught it and I don’t want to hurt it. The goose has not personally wronged me and frankly I’m outnumbered. The boy would be no good in a fight and the wife wouldn’t back me up merely on principle. I just want to chase the goose to the point where it flies away. I don’t know why but if he flies away, I win. That’s how the game is played. I don’t make the rules (actually I do).
I start by walking towards the goose. Goose sees what’s going on and starts casually walking away from me like I’m no big threat, he just wants to go over there now. I pick up the pace to show I mean business and the goose starts walking a little faster and more deliberately. My stride becomes that of a light jog and the goose starts flapping his wings as he walks away as if to say “hey, buddy. Don’t make me fly away because I will fly away SO HARD”. Once I get that wing warning it’s full sprint, waving my arms above my head like a madman and shouting “HEY, GOOSE!” The goose flies away to a nearby pond and I make my way back towards the Culver’s parking lot. I win. Fuck you, goose.
Right as I start walking back I notice a car stopped on the street about fifty feet away from me. A woman was sticking her head out of the driver’s side rear window and yelling “HEY, JACKASS!”. I turned to her and she screamed “DONT YA HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CHASE A BUNCH OF GEESE AROUND?”
I politely hollered back “Uh, not really!” and started walking toward Jena. The woman continued to scream “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, BOTHERING INNOCENT GEESE LIKE THAT. YOU’RE SETTING A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE FOR YOUR SON.”
I’m seriously confused at this point. Are they actually mad at me for chasing a goose? I look at Jena and she’s crouched over holding her stomach and laughing hysterically. The woman in the car screeched “WHY DON’T YOU CHASE YOUR WIFE, INSTEAD?”
I start to run towards Jena but she doesn’t move, she’s too busy trying not to collapse from her laughter. I turned to the woman in the car and said “See, I chase her but she doesn’t run away. It’s not the same!” Another woman shouted from the driver’s window “YOU’RE PATHETIC, YA JACKASS!” and I gather up the wife and kid to just wait inside Culver’s for everybody else to show up.
As soon as I step inside Culver’s I regret not engaging those women more. It’s just really weird, having a stranger yell at you for something you don’t think would make anybody mad. Pile on the fact that I was a little light headed for running for five seconds and I was in no shape to go toe to toe with those ladies but as soon as I’m away from the situation I start thinking of all the things I could have said and done to make it funnier.
I pull out my phone and set the camera to video mode, thinking if she’s still out there I’d interview her and throw it up on youtube or the blog but everybody else shows up, we order our food and sit down.
To make things even weirder as we sat, chatted and ate I saw her car in the same exact spot for a half hour. I don’t know if they were waiting for me to come out because they thought of the perfect thing to say or what but I kept my phone at the ready in case they burst in and started chasing me around shouting “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, JACKASS?”
They were gone by the time we had finished the meal. I regret not going back out there to film them. I regret not chasing more geese just to piss them off. I just have to make sure I don’t let the regret eat at me. I’d hate to spend the next several weekends chasing geese around the Little Canada Culver’s like Costanza digging into a bucket of shrimp in hopes that those weird ladies show up to yell at me again.