The Six Fakest Cracked Article Names I Could Come up With

Going through the “downloads” folder of the images on my computer and realizing I had over a dozen pictures of republican presidential candidates stored up made me realize that I may be focusing a bit too much on the political side of things lately. Sure, it’s easy and it gets eyeballs on the website but I’m really not a political comedian and this is supposed to be a comedy blog. Let’s get back to the business of writing straight up comedy.


Now while writing for this blog is certainly fun for me there’s no money in it. I know there’s usually an ad at the bottom but I don’t see a penny from those (it all goes to wordpress) and my talks with Rush Limbaugh’s people about sponsoring his line of iced tea on the site are going nowhere.


Yes. It's a real thing. Yes, it's called "Two if by Tea" and yes that's Rush dressed as Paul Revere.




There is money to be had for writing comedy on the internet though. I’m a big fan of cracked.com


I really only put a pic of the logo on here so it'll show up on the link when I post this on facebook.




and while Cracked has it’s own staff and columnists, a lot of their content is generated by user submissions. Read enough and you’ll see that the submissions that get picked all follow a pretty specific pattern. That pattern is

1) Numbered lists.
2) Something do do with either science or history.
3) Make it sound cool, sexy or badass.


With that in mind, here’s the titles of some of the Cracked articles I’m working on to submit at the moment.


The 5 Most Unusually Sexual Zeppelin Disasters in History
Oh, the eroticism!

7 Scientific Discoveries That Were Predicted by Hanna-Barbera Cartoons
Jabberjaw was a modern day Nostrodamus.

The 6 Most Badass Toddlers in History
These tiny tykes could kick the shit out of you and still have time for an afternoon nap.

4 Ways Science Has Proven That Bears are Smarter Than Most People
Can YOU catch a fish with your teeth?

5 Famous Video Game Characters Based on U.S. Presidents
That’s actually Teddy Roosevelt under Master Chief’s Helmet.

The 7 Most Sexy Science Badass History Lists
Badass science and sexy history!


Don’t get me wrong. I read Cracked all the time and I’d write for them in a heartbeat. I just think it’s fun to come up with fake Cracked article titles. In fact, leave a comment with your best fake Cracked article headline and I will pick one winner and make a full article about your headline to post in the blog (Disclaimer: I get to change the number if it’s a fact based headline or if you’re a dick and use some number like 5,000)!

Ugh. Mitt Romney.

Well, according to MSNBC, Mitt Romney is pretty much assuming he’s got the primary in the bag and unless there’s some big upset from Santorum, Romney does have the primary in the bag. Looks like it’s going to be Romney vs. Obama for the general election and I’m not pleased.


Half the shit I do on this blog is political and I have to say during the primaries, I’ve really had fun ripping on Santorum and Gingrich but that’s because their crazy has personality and flair! Look at what the other guys are bringing to the table –


Santorum
* thinks sperm are people
* thinks women are things
* thinks gays are demons
* think’s Obama’s a nig – uh
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeaA8nkiWdk&w=420&h=315]


Gingrich
* Cheated on his first wife. Divorced her when she had cancer and married his mistress.
* Cheated on second wife. Divorced her and married The Joker.

She looks like a harlequin baby all growed up (go ahead and google image search "harlequin baby". I dare you).


* Tried to get Clinton impeached for cheating
* Probably cheating on his wife right now as you read this.


Ron Paul
*Wild Card! Is he racist? Is he crazy? Nobody knows the true story because nobody takes him seriously enough to actually do some serious investigation on him.

I know he likes biking. That's all I got on him for sure.




Look at that! A tree full of low hanging fruit for a lazy comedian like myself to pick at my lesiure but what am I stuck with? Mitt Romney. What’s he got going for him?

* He’s out of touch because he’s a super rich guy (but I already covered that).
* He’s Mormon and that’s weird but nobody seems to want to talk about that.


In a perfect world it’d be Michele Bachmann running against Obama but here I am stuck with dumb ol’ Romney. I might as well go back to writing my vampire detective novel.

Ugh. Even his picture on wikipedia is boring.