Monthly Archives: March 2012

City Pages Readers Poll Voting Guide

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Every year twin cities alternative news weekly City Pages does a “Best of the Twin Cities” issue. Our local source for information on expensive restaurants and cheap prostitutes asks it’s readers to put in their vote for such categories as “best place for a first date” and “best lake” (how can I choose? THERE’S TEN THOUSAND OF THEM). One of the categories is “best blog” so if you like what you read here and live in the twin cities why don’t you


COME OOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN




Some of you may wonder how I could be deluded enough to say that this is the best blog in the Twin Cities but do I need to remind you of all the good this blog has done in the last year?


Who got pepper sprayed by riot cops while breaking the story of Occupy Wall Street? This blog. Who raised less than $50,000 in charity last year? This blog. Who hosted peace talks between Israel and Palestine? This blog. Who made you realize that the word “blog” sounds really weird if you read it several times in the same paragraph? This blog. We’ve done so much for you and all we ask is that you take a minute to tell a free newspaper that we’re better than everybody else.


Don’t just vote for us, though. There’s plenty of other categories in their reader poll and if you’re having trouble deciding who to vote for, you can just use my handy-dandy voter recommendation guide!


youngnotions.com recommends –


Best Bus Route
The 17.
It takes me from my place to The Monday Night Comedy Show. That’s where the drinks are.

Best Lake
I seriously don’t know how one lake is better than another so I’m just going to say Lake Harriet because I got married in front of that one.

Best Local Blog
youngnotions.com . Duh.

Best Local Boy Made Good
Charles Lindbergh. He’s our most famous racist.

Best Local Girl Made Good
Mandi Young. She bailed me out of jail at 4AM, people. 4AM!

Best Local Website
http://www.davidicke.com/

Best Neighborhood
North Minneapolis

Best Place For a First Date
North Minneapolis

Best Place to People Watch
North Minneapolis

Best Place to Take Out of Town Guests
North Minneapolis

Best Politician
Michele Bachmann (she has provided me with countless hours of entertainment).

Best State Fair Food
Beer from a backpack sneaked in

Best Street
Asphalt

Best Strip Club
Under the Stone Arch Bridge on Saturday nights (the homeless women will give a lapdance for a sandwich).

Best Tweeter
@ThePatrickBauer

Best Villian
Doctor Light



Jesus Christ I clicked “next” and there’s like 30 more questions. Whatever. Use your best judgement for the other categories or just do what I did and fill out “Baba Booey” for everything. Thanks for voting!

Spam!

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Last night I was a guest on the Apropos of Nothing podcast. We talked about my jail times and sophisticated things like animal diarrhea. Towards the end of the podcast Jena read the spam comment of the week. Every week they take one of the spam comments on the website and read it out loud for the listeners. That got me to thinking what kind of spam does this site get? The search engine hits alone are pretty messed up so let’s look at what we have for spam.


Comment from Craigslist Job Postings: The Legend Continues –

Submitted on 2012/02/28 at 7:06 pm
Can I simply just say what a comfort to discover an individual who actually knows what they are talking about on the internet. You actually realize how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More and more people ought to look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised you are not more popular given that you surely possess the gift.

I’m actually a little scared at the thought of the spambots knowing that I’m a compliment whore.


From The Drunk Heckler: A One Act Play Written by me When I Was a Kinda Douchey 22 Year Old –

Currently being the Father in the Brie can b pd ank r ial a h daughter prepares for her assive day.

Tell me about it, I remember how pd ank I was on my daughter’s assive day as I stood waist deep in soft cheese. This might not have been spam.


From So I Went to Jail Last Night: Bonus Track –

What do you think of 115 thinkgs about women:

1. Maternity Leave- 6 months paid vacation and all you do is have a baby.
2. We got off the Titanic first
3. We are better dancers
4. Taxis stop for us first
5. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention on buses
6. We don’t go bald after our 26th birthdays
7. We can cry and get out of stressful situations. Like a speeding ticket. Heck, crying gets you out of anything.
8. We can flirt our way out of a speeding ticket. Heck, you can flirt your way out of anything.
9. We live longer than men
10. We smell better
11. Phone conversations are better than a soap opera
12. Ladies Night.
13. We don’t have to open our own jars.
14. We don’t have to kill our own food.
15. We get put up on a pedistal
16. We rarely have to carry our own suitcases.
17. We know stuff about everyone.
18. Short skirts will always cure unemployment
19. You’re 5 times less likely to kill yourself
20. You never get a draft card.
21. It’s easier to get a credit card.
22. You rule the bathroom
23. It’s ok for you to marry for money.
24. Long nails make great weapons.

They actually have 115 things listed but I’ll just end it there for sake of brevity. Also, when did Dave Barry start writing spam emails?


Feel free to post an original spam comment in the comments section below! Winner gets my credit card number! Nigerian princes are ineligible for the contest. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, holy shit my credit is ruined.


Why is junk email called Spam, anyway? Rather than search it out I'll just go ahead and assume it originated on 4chan like every meme ever.