Monthly Archives: October 2011

Tales From the Cryptically Embarrassing Acting Resume

Posted on by
Reply

Happy Hollow-scream, boys and Ghouls! Since to-fright is a time in which all things ghastly are celebrated, I thought I’d share a little horror story of my own. It’s a tale of gravely low pay, ghoulish customers and the grisly death of my dignity. Gather around, children and let me tell you the chilling tale of…


THE TIME I WORKED AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.



It all started in the acting class of my first and only semester of community college. The teacher suggested we peruse the want ads in the newspaper (this was 2001, people. Only nerds knew about craigslist then) for work in haunted houses. She cited it as “paid acting experience”. I saw an ad for Spookyworld (now defunct) in Shakopee, MN. After a quick phone interview consisting of “have you ever worked in a haunted house before” and “why do you want to work here” answered by “no” and “my acting teacher said it’s be good experience” (pretty sure I heard some laughter stifled on the other end of the line) I was told that pay was $6 an hour for a four hour night and to come on out to orientation on Monday.


I showed up to orientation with a couple dozen other “actors”. The talent manager showed us the three main attractions. A standard haunted house, a 3-D “clown maze” (the maze was brightly lit and painted red and blue. People would come in wearing those 3-D paper glasses and the three dimensional space would jump out at them… in 3-D!) and a haunted hayride. We were told that we would be assigned to a different attraction every night to keep things fun and under no circumstances were we to touch a customer no matter what they did. I lasted three nights.


NIGHT ONE:
I started out in the standard haunted house. I showed up wearing all black as requested and they threw a monster mask and some gloves on me. After popping my head out of collapsable wall panels and narrowly avoiding punches to the face (not that I was quick, the guys who took swings were just usually drunk off their asses) for a few hours a supervisor put me in the “rattle cage”. A dark room with a cage up against one of the walls so you have to walk around it to get to the exit. I was inside the cage waiting for people to walk up to the front so I could run at it and rattle the loose bars. Every two minutes I would have to run up to the cage and shake it with all my might. By 9 PM I was just laying on the floor and weakly kicking at the cage. One guy spit on me.


NIGHT TWO:
Still sore as hell from the rattle cage workout, I was thrown into the 3-D clown maze for night two. My specific role was as a statue in the “clown museum”. I was put in a super baggy clown outfit and placed in a hallway with three clown statues and an empty space. My job was to stand perfectly still in a menacing pose as people walked in. Once they got up to me I’d move and freak them out. I don’t know if it was the clown outfit or the fact that I was the only “actor” in the room but customers just manhandled me like crazy. I was shoved, slapped, shin kicked and one girl made out with me (clown fetish?). I fucking snapped, though when some kid punched me in the balls (come back tomorrow for the full story on my sweet, sweet revenge).


NIGHT THREE:
Beaten and bruised, I was looking forward to working the haunted hayride. The customers only came by every five minutes and I’d jump out from behind a bail of hay far from their reach. As I walked up to the supervisor he handed me a harness and told me I’d be working the barn that night as the flying ghost.

This actually sounded kind of cool. About halfway through the hayride the tractor goes through a big barn open on both sides. The tractor would stop for a minute inside the barn and I’d jump out and fly over them and scream. Pretty sweet. Kind of tricky, though as the “flight” was made possible by me pushing off of the catwalk and zipping to the other side of the bar hanging from a rope hooked up to a wheel on a track. The wheel would “catch” on the other side and swing me up a bit so my momentum would wheel me back. I didn’t want to push off too hard or I’d fly past the customers too quickly. If I pushed off too slow, there wouldn’t be enough momentum to carry me back to the catwalk and I’d just hang in the middle of the barn like a haunted piñata.

So there I am hanging in the middle of the barn like a haunted piñata over 20 laughing customers.  One of them stole one of my shoe right before the tractor started up again.  After a guy dressed up as a werewolf pushed me back to the catwalk with a rake I took off my harness and hopped back to the entrance.


The next week I told the acting class about my experience (I was the only one in the class who worked a haunted house).  Afterwards I asked the teacher if I’d still be eligible for part of the extra credit even though I quit.  That’s when she told me she never said anything about extra credit.

Creepy Republican Sex Scandal #5,372,092: Linda Wall

Posted on by
1

I’ve mentioned in the past that any anti gay republican is without a doubt a huge closet homo but there’s been a story circulating recently about how Republican Virginia House of Delegates candidate Linda Wall admitted tohaving a lesbian affair with a minor

I use the term “lesbian affair” simply because it was in the title of the huffpo article linked. The proper term should be “holy shit this lady diddled a kid why isn’t she in jail for fuck’s sake?”

The “lesbian affair” happened when she was a middle school gym teacher which is weird because most female gym teachers are the paragon of heterosexuality. The affairee (affaired? person whom which the affair was also with?) was a student. So she had a “lesbian affair” with a middle school student.

In case you weren’t aware. Middle school is grade 6-8. Ages 11-14. Just so we’re all up on terminology, when you have sex with somebody who is 11-14 years old that’s not a “lesbian affair”, it’s a “child molestation”.

The question here is why is a child molester getting treated with the kid gloves (pun totally unintended)? My best guess is that when most guys think hear the words “lesbian affair” and thoughts drift to sexy lesbian times. Silk sheets, two women exploring each other… I’m getting off topic.

The point is that “lesbian affair” is a word trigger in the minds of men and that trigger is on the gun of an erection. In case any guys were wondering, this is Linda Wall.

Now that we got that out of the way, while Wall admits to the lesbian affair, stating that she “was” homosexual and smoked a lot of pot in the ’70s (I must’ve missed that scene in Reefer Madness), she’s “converted to Christianity, changed her sexual orientation and stopped using drugs”. She now describes herself as ex-gay.

First off, as much as Marcus Bachmann would love you to believe, you can’t shrug off the gay. Also, she’s not gay, she’s a criminal. Even if she was hot when it happened.

She probably wasn’t though. I’m just saying, gym teacher. No offense, Ms. Ganzhorn (my 7th grade gym teacher).

Picking Fruit is Not a Goddamn Skill.

Posted on by
Reply

Alabama the toughest immmigration laws in the country recently, basically legalizing racial profiling to stem the tide of the dreaded Mexican. Illegal immigrants, in response to the new law, are fleeing Alabama at an alarming rate.

So… it worked? I guess it’s hard to argue with results. Congratulations, Alabama. You’ve successfully rid your state of illegals through the threat of witch hunt and it worked! Alabama can now get all those jobs the illegals stole to the hardworking legal citizens who deserve them.

There’s just one problem. According to foxnews.com, legal citizens suck at picking fruit and quit after a day.


From the article, “Potato farmer Kevin Smith told The Associated Press that the Americans he hired show up late, work slower and are ready to call it quits after a day on the job or sooner.”


I was always told by these republican assholes that illegals were lazy and sucking off the government teat. I don’t get it. at 9.8% unemployment, you think people would be chomping at the bit for all these jobs that opened up after the Flight of the Mexicans. There’s got to be a better explanation.


Well, also from the article, “Tom Surtees, director of the state Department of Industrial Relations, which is operating the employment program, told FoxNews.com that he has never picked tomatoes before and doubts he could do it as well as someone with 20 years experience.
‘I think it’s an acquired skill, one you get by repetition,’ he said. ‘Can someone go out in one day and match the skills or efficiency of someone doing it for years? That would be a unique individual.'”


Wait a second here. Surgery is a skill you learn over 20 years. Playing the goddamn Oboe is a skill you learn over 20 years. Yanking a fucking tomato off a vine isn’t a “skill” you learn over 20 fucking years.


While the article certainly alludes to it with phrases like “ultimately, these are not desirable jobs. The work is difficult” they never flat out admit that these are shit jobs with shit pay (just to show how shit the pay is, it’s not mentioned once in the article). This immigration law was passed mainly on the idea that in this rough economy, jobs would open up for legal citizens if we chased the illegals out with torches and pitchforks. Now the jobs are open and nobody will take them because they suck.


Well, getting rid of the mexicans didn’t work. Maybe they should try getting rid of the gays or muslims. Better yet, how about they get rid of the conservative racist jackasses who passed this law?

Sexy Sex Blog: Where Sexy People Talk Sexily About Sex

Posted on by
5

I was searching through the craigslist want ads searching for that coveted “Videogame Tester / Candy Taster” job that I always seem to just miss when I saw an ad that said “Top Bloggers / Writers Needed”.


Well, I’m a blogger / writer. Whether or not I’m top is a matter of opinion and my opinion says yes so let’s read on.


“Currently looking to add two quality bloggers/writers to our already growing staff! ConverSextion is a tasteful site based out of Chicago for adults to openly talk about dating, sex, and romance. All applicants must provide at least one sample of their work. For more information or to apply please visit www.ConverSextion.com. Pay is per story.

Compensation: $15-$25
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.”


Well now we have a problem. I think everybody knows I’m a virgin. I’m not ashamed of it. Jena said that we should wait until our 10th anniversary to have sex so it will be special and I agree. I just need to make up a sexy story. Shouldn’t be too hard. Let’s do this. I shall write the story in italics because everybody knows it’s the sexiest typeface.


I’ll never forget that time I had sex with this girl. She was so sexy. I saw her at this hip singles bar I hang out at with my friends. There’s always a ton of girls there who love to have sex. She looked at me with her eyes in a sexy way. The kind of way that says “we should totally have sex. Not right now, though because we’re in public and that would be weird. We should hang out for a little, have a conversation and then leave and have sex at your place or my place. My place is kind of messy, though, and I have a cat so if you’re allergic and don’t have any Claritin on you we should probably have sex at your place. However, if you’re not allergic and don’t mind some laundry on the floor we should go to my place because I only live like a block from here and have a really comfortable bed. It was on sale. Normally you’d pay $500 for a mattress like this but I got the mattress and box frame for $300. They even delivered it for free.”



I’d seen that look a million times.



I walked up to her and offered to buy her a drink. She accepted and I asked the bartender for a Sex on the Beach and then gave her a look to convey that although the drink on it’s own is tasty, I ordered it to express sexual intentions. The bartender brought her the drink and I paid for it, tipping generously to show that I have a lot of disposable income and because he brought it pretty fast even though there were a lot of people ordering drinks.


We talked about various sexy things. Edible panties, flavored lubricants and fuzzy handcuffs. After a few minutes of sexy conversation with the bartender I thanked him for his time but suggested he get back to serving other people. I then turned my attention to the girl and talked with her for a while. She thanked me for the drink and said that most guys don’t usually do that sort of thing for girls. I told her that I wasn’t like most guys and then suggested we head someplace a little more private, like a bedroom.



We had so much sex that night. It lasted for hours. Just when I thought “there’s no way we could have any more sex” we had a bunch more sex. Our bodies mashed together nakidly and we sexed each other until we were completely unable to have any more sex.



The next morning we had some sex and then parted ways. She had her life to live and I had mine. She asked if she’d ever see me again and I told her that maybe she would. She then asked that if she saw me, could we have sex?



I looked into her sexy eyes and said “totally”.

Wish me luck in my new career as a sex story blogger!

Dairy Free Day 6

Posted on by
4

It’s been almost a week with no milk and cheese in the house. One can certainly learn a lot about food by making a radical change to their diet. Here’s a few things I’ve learned.


1. As far as milk substitutes go, almond milk is the best. I bought soy, rice and almond milk for the family to taste test because we need a milky thing for cooking and pouring over cereal. Almond milk rules. I don’t even know why they make rice and soy milk. They taste like shit water and deserve the worst of punishments for what they did to my mouth. Fuck you, soy and rice milk.


2. We’ve started taking probiotic pills and holy shit do they give you gas. These last few days have been nothing but a constant stream of burps and farts coming from everybody involved. It’s like an Adam Sandler movie but without all the blatant product placement.


FART FART EAT POPEYE'S AND SHOP AT K-MART FART FART

 


3.  When naming milk substitutes, dignity is thrown right out the window.  We got a vegan mac and cheese called “Mac and Chreese” (Chreese, like “trees” because it’s made from plants HAHAAAAAA) and I bought a sour cream substitute from Tofutti (yes, just like the Mr. Show sketch)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5i6BHBuqxE&w=420&h=315]

called Sour Supreme. On the package it says “BETTER than sour cream!”. The worst part about it is when I saw it at the store I thought it might be. Almond milk is delicious, why wouldn’t this be as well? It says it’s better than sour cream right on the package! Imagine my disappointment when I actually tasted the stuff.


It wasn’t horrible but it was no sour cream. Why would you lie to me like that, Tofutti? Are you trying to convince yourself that it’s better? Let’s face it. Nobody’s buying this shit because they want to, they’re buying it because their body or religion or whatever told them they can’t have dairy. While I get that you don’t want to name your product “Not as Good as Sour Cream but Hey, it Doesn’t Taste Like Shit so Cut Us Some Slack Here Because You Can Only Do so Much With a Goddamn Soybean!” don’t lie and say it’s better. You’re not fooling me and you’re not fooling yourself.


It’s not better than sour cream. Damn you, Tofutti, you went and broke my heart.

Like a Shitty Horror Movie Villian, the McRib is Back

Posted on by
2

The Huffington Post reported that The McRib is returning nationally through Nov. 14th. The article goes on about the McRib’s “cult-like following” inspired by the sandwich’s sporadic appearances in various McDonalds’ locations. There’s even a honest to god fucking McRib locator map where people can find the nearest McDonald’s with a McRib and go on a goddamn roadtrip (there’s even a forum where you can discuss such topics as “How many McRibs have you eaten?”)


While the cult following is hard enough to explain, the bigger question is “why isn’t it always available?” Why only release it in certain stores rarely release it nationally? Marta Fearon, McDonald’s US Marketing Director said it “adds to the excitement” but I know the real story about it’s limited availability.


We all know that the current Ronald McDonald isn’t the first. The mantle of The Ronald has been handed down from generation to generation. Only the most worthy of clowns may put on the yellow jumpsuit and lead millions of young children to obesity. Such a weighty responsibility isn’t rewarded without a test, though and every potential Ronald must complete the task of killing The Grimace.


pure evil




Anytime the reigning Ronald is felled in the field due to massive cocaine overdose or gunfight (the only two ways a Ronald has ever died), hundreds of possible Ronalds are called to McDonald’s corporate headquarters.  Dozens arrive in the same tiny car that you think could barely fit one as they gather to hear the CEO deliver the official news.   He stands over his balcony and bellows “ONE OF YOU ARE THE NEXT RONALD.  PROVE IT TO ME, YOUR KING, BY BRINGING ME THE CORPSE OF THE GRIMACE!”


The crowd of clowns roar as the bloodlust overtakes them.  They storm McDonaldland mountain where the Grimace lies in wait in a cave at it’s peak.  blood flows down the mountainside in streams as the grimace tears through clown after clown with his razor sharp claws.  The stench of death is almost overwhelming as the bodies pile up and the cave fills with the sounds of screaming clowns, cracking bones and squeaking noses.  This will last for days as each clown hurls himself at The Grimace hoping for the ultimate prize until finally one succeeds.  Victorious, the man who would be Ronald straps the 2000 pound corpse to a sled and takes him down the mountains to corporate headquarters.  


Once he presents the bloody corpse to the CEO, a quick criminal background check is performed, a urine sample is submitted and some tax forms are filled out. If the urine comes back drug free the world has a new Ronald McDonald. To celebrate, the corpse of the Grimace is processed and sold nationally as The McRib.

Eat up, America!

Please Hammer, Don’t Search ‘Em

Posted on by
Reply

Can we all just admit that google won? Does anybody use other search engines? The only other one I know still exists is bing because they spent a gazillion dollars advertising and it turns out they were just ripping off google anyway. Google’s the best when it comes to searching. The reason they’re on top is because nobody can do better.



While google may be on top, there’s one man that thinks he can do better. That man is MC Hammer.



MC Hammer is making his own search engine called wiredoo. I initially found out when friend, comedian and black person Brandi Brown shared an Onion AV club story about wiredoo. I initially thought it was an actual Onion article because he’s MC Hammer but it turns out it’s true. I guess somebody had to fill the void in the tech world that was left when Steve Jobs died.



The search engine is supposed to do “deep searches” and “relationship searches”. So (from the CBS article) “An example Hammer gave is searching for a zip code. On top of basic search content, WireDoo would also give related information like schools, homes and hospitals. Let’s say you click on ‘schools.’ Related content would include detailed information, like academic performance index scores, teachers’ credentials and truancy rates.”



So wiredoo is for all those people on the internet sick of google giving them what they want and not giving them kind of what they want?



While it would seem the most logical route to make hammerpants jokes I’ll refrain because every other article on this ever made hammerpants jokes. Also, I’m a bit biased because MC Hammer and I are friends. He follows me on twitter (I’m one of the lucky 38,109!) Here’s how we met on the internet.



I began following MC Hammer because he’s a famous rapper and probably tweeted interesting things. I was not wrong. One morning he tweeted “Hammertime!” so I sent back three immediate responses.



10:04 AM – @MCHammer you can’t just yell “HAMMERTIME!” You have to yell “STOP!” first and give us a beat to prepare ourselves mentally for hammertime

10:07 AM – @MCHammer I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, I just wasn’t ready for hammertime.

10:10 AM – @MCHammer I should apologize. I know hammertime is a two way street and perhaps I’m not entirely blameless.



We’ve been friends ever since.



Since we’re such close friends, I’m not going to make any hammerpants jokes. I will, however, say that wiredoo sounds like an awful fucking idea.

Hot Sauce Names.

Posted on by
4

Let’s talk about hot sauce.


I was never a spicy foods person when I was younger. Growing up in a… Minnesotan household usually exposes you to only the blandest of foods. We never had much beyond mild salsa in our fridge and chili may as well have been spelled “chilly”. Only in the last couple of years have I started craving spicy foods. I hope I’m not pregnant.


It started with Cholula. I bought a bottle for taco night and liked it. I started putting it on other things. Hashbrowns, mac and cheese, pizza. I started to expand my horizons and got a bottle of Tapatio to change things up.


Eventually that wasn’t doing it for me. I was getting used to the heat. It barely registered. The Guns N’ Roses song “Mr. Brownstone” started finally making sense to me.


I’m currently on Sriracha. It’s replaced ketchup in my diet. I’d put it on ice cream if I thought it’d taste good.


Several months ago when I realized I was starting to build a tolerance to spice I searched the internet for different hot sauces and came across hotsauceworld.com. It had literally thousands of brands of hot sauce categorized by level of intensity. I checked the “hot” page and noticed that the names of these sauces followed three distinct themes.


S&M NAMES
Several sauces suggest that the reason you’re putting this on your food is because you get some sort of sexual pleasure out of it. The bottles usually have a picture of a woman in leather brandishing a whip because that’s why you eat tacos.

– Goddess of Fire
– Pain is Good
– Kiss of Fire
– Pleasure and Pain Rated XXX Hot Sauce


VAGUELY POLITICAL NAMES
You’ve got political opinions but how are you going to share them? Voting? Writing an op ed piece for your local newspaper? How about making your own hot sauce? Descriptions from the website included.

– PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals) Hot Sauce: Where’s the beef… and the veal, pork and chicken too? And don’t forget the whale, dolphin, baby seal and Panda. Loving all God’s creatures next to my potatoes!

– The Final Countdown Hot Sauce (George W. Bush): 01-20-09 Poor Georgie boy. His days are numbered and the nation is counting them down. Help celebrate the countdown when America will regain it’s ability to actually think again in the year 2009.

– Teddy’s Sauced Hot Sauce: Get Ted’s new book “How to Navigate a bridge while under suspicion of being impaired and without a valid drivers license”.

– Hillary’s Diet Sauce: For use in place of health insurance! because this is all she is going to leave you with! Just Imagine Hillary Clinton as President!


PUTTING THIS ON FOOD AND EATING IT WILL MAKE YOUR BUTT HURT
This is by far the most popular method of naming hot sauce. The world’s hot sauce makers have literally used every synonym for rectal discomfort in the naming of their sauces. I think one is actually named rectal discomfort. This list doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of butthurt names

– Heiney Hurt
– Colon Cleaner
– Hog’s Ass
– Hemorrhoid Helper
– Wet Fart
– Fiery Fart
– Sphincter Shrinker
– Flaming Coon Ass
– Red Rectum
– Assplosion
– Bayou Butt Burner
– Weapons of Ass Destruction
– Rectal Revenge
– Rectum Ripper
– Butt Plug Relief
– Butt Twister
– Brenda’s Booty Burner
– Bubba’s Butt Blaster
– Rectal Rocket Fuel
– Reindeer Revenge (check the picture to see why this is a butt one)

If that doesn't make you hungry for hot sauce I don't know what would.


Thanks, hotsauceworld.com but I think I’ll stick with the Sriracha for now.

Milk.

Posted on by
Reply

I’m on a see-food diet. I see food and then I eat it HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (FART)!


Seriously, though. I’m not the kind of person that monitors what he eats. It may be one of the reasons I’m fat (recent studies at many universities are starting to show a growing link between eating a ton of shitty food and being overweight).


What’s worse is that the food I eat may constantly be making me high.


Jena was installing a computer the other day for some doctor reasearch sciencey person and they got to talking about Jared attending online school and the reasons for that. One of which being his ADD (which I also have the pleasure of having) and anxiety. The doctor then mentioned how she had conducted a study on the link between casein proteins and the exacerbation of inflammatory disorders like IBS, anxiety and ADD. Jena suggested we try going casein free for a month and see what happens since everybody in the house has at least one of those disorders.


This will be a bit tough since casein proteins are found in dairy products. Milk, cheese, most chocolates. Basically all the stuff I love to eat.


I decided to google it a bit to find out more about the whole casein / ADD connection. Turns out, according to a livestrong.com article that “people who lack the enzyme that breaks down proteins like casein are left with an opoid substance in their digestive system. This theoretically can produce an opium-like effect that alters perceptions and behavior and accounts for the spaciness and poor attention in ADHD.”


Wait a second. I’m getting high off of milk? Is it like Requiem For a Dream where I’ll slam a glass of milk, cut to my pupils dilating, my veins expanding, me collapsing on the couch.


I’ve been getting high off milk all these years. My parents, my teachers told me how important it is to drink my milk when I was a kid unaware that they might as well have been telling me how important it is to shoot heroin.


Shit. Am I going to go through withdrawal now? All cold sweats in the bed, looking up and seeing a cow walk across the ceiling turning it’s head 180 degrees?


Whatever. It’s for the best. Nothing but clean, drug milk free living for me for the next month. Thank god there’s no casein protein in beer.

Occupy Umbrellas.

Posted on by
3

Lord, it ain’t easy being a cop in Seattle these days.  The city of lights’ (that’s Seattle, right?) boys in blue are being worked to the bone trying to defend the populace from the terror that has become Occupy Seattle.  These sadistic criminal masterminds or “protesters” have done everything from standing around in Westlake park to sitting around in westlake park.





Since this is a free country and the first amendment protects the right to peacebly assemble or whatever the cops just can’t arrest the socialist nazi hippies but thankfully city hall has recently taken to interpreting certain laws as loosely as possible to make them horribly uncomfortable and easier to arrest. The Daily Kos reported that open umbrellas are now illegal to hold unless you are standing.





At first glance that seems like one of those wacky laws that was put in place 100 years ago that cities never bother repealing and never enforce. Stuff you find in some travel size bathroom reader almanac like “it’s unlawful for women to wear Santa Suits” and “it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head” (actual laws! thanks dumblaws.com!) but the actual law focuses on not being able to erect “structures” in the park. The City of Seattle’s reasoning is that if you’re standing with an umbrella, you’re just a dude holding an umbrella. If you sit down holding that umbrella, that umbrella is now a house somehow and that house is on city property.





So if you sit down holding an umbrella in a park in Seattle you can be arrested. Some people have.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_cs2b5RA3Y&w=560&h=315]





While arresting people for sitting down with an umbrella is quite an ingenious way to skirt around stupid formalities like “civil liberties”, I think the city of Seattle can create even more laws to get these malcontents to leave honest, god-fearin’ corporations alone. Here’s some suggestions.


– It is illegal to be in a Seattle park with an empty bladder.

– Owners must clean up after their dogs mess with their mouths.

– For everyone’s safety, you must wear a helmet provided by the park when in the park. All helmets are 20 pounds to ensure maximum safety.

Hopefully this all ends soon. I shudder to think what will happen if people keep voicing opinions like this.