As many of you know, when I’m not telling jokes, writing sketches, dictating blogs or washing dishes I like to pass the time by coming up with pilot episodes for crime dramas and submitting them to the big 3 basic cable networks (TNT, USA, TBS). None of them have been picked up yet but I think this latest one might “wow” them. It’s about the adventures of a detective who uses his superior sense of taste to solve crimes. I call it “The Licker” (title pending). Here’s the last couple of pages from the pilot episode.
(Int. The office of Gregori Yviovanovich, wealthy Russian art dealer. Detective Jameson enters with two uniformed police.)
GREGORI: Detective. Is there anything you need from me? I have told you everything I know and we are closed for the evening.
JAMESON: Sorry to interupt you, Mr. Yviovanovich. I know you must still be mourning…
GREGORI: Yes, Ilyana was very dear to me, so if you would please afford me some privacy, I have matters to attend to.
JAMESON: I would but something about your story just didn’t sit well with me. I’m a curious type, you know and there was something on her dress when I saw her that just didn’t taste right. (Picks up stapler) Do you mind? I’d like to –
GREGORI: I am well aware of your talents, Detective Jameson and I do not want to seem rude but I would like to see a search warrant before you go around tasting everything in my office.
JAMESON: (hands Gregori piece of paper). The judge was more than happy to grant me one once I told him what I tasted on the floor of the scene (licks stapler, puts it down). Now as you said, you were playing poker with your friends last night. Eating peanuts, pretzels, chips. All sorts of salty things. (grabs Gregori’s tie) You wore this last night, right?
GREGORI: I didn’t have time to change. Once I heard about Ilyana’s death, everything has been thrown upside down.
JAMESON: That can happen (licks tie). Mmn. Salty. Would you like to know what I tasted on the floor of the scene?
GREGORI: I am curious.
JAMESON: I’m sure you’re not. It was syrup from a fruit salad. Pineapples, grapes, honeydew and cantaloupe. Toxicology reports haven’t come back yet but I’ll bet my badge she was allergic to one of those.
GREGORI: She was allergic to cantaloupe but I assure you I did not touch any fruit salad. You can taste my hands if you’d like.
JAMESON: I’m sure you would have washed your hands several times since then but people always forget the little details. Like after they prepare a fruit salad they’ll make a phone call. Getting that sticky syrup on the keys (picks up phone from desk. Licks keys one by one, never breaking eye contact with Gregori. Sets phone down). This phone has fruit salad all over it.
GREGORI: (tears welling up in his eyes) You don’t understand. She was going to have me deported. This gallery is all I have. I had to do something.
JAMESON: It must have been so easy to tell her that the orange one was honeydew. You just sat back and let that fruit salad do your dirty work.
GREGORI: (fighting back sobs)I had to do something.
JAMESON: You’re under arrest. (to uniformed officer). Read him his rights, kid. This case is licked.
(Scraps the K9 unit runs in, tackles Jameson and licks his face).
UNIFORMED COP: Looks like you’re licked, too! (everybody but Gregori laughs).
I’ve written six full episodes and they all end with Scraps running in and licking his face.
