Today America honors all the soldiers that have fought for this country and survived (no offense, dead vets but you already have memorial day!). These men and women work the toughest job in the world for little pay and almost no recognition and it’s because of them that we can call this country the land of the free. On behalf of all civilians I just want to say to all the Vets out there in every branch of the military, thank you for shooting all those people.

You shot them in the face, in the chest and in the arms. You shot people in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea, Japan, France and Germany. You shot them from trenches, from trucks, from planes and from boats. Sometimes you blew them up with bombs. You shot the fuck out of them.

This day isn’t just about the vets who shot people. Many vets out there supplied the guns for shooting, made sure the vehicles were running so they could take the soldiers to the people that needed to be shot. Some vets told others who to shoot and some helped heal the vets who got shot while trying to shoot people. Every soldier out there matters. Not just the ones shooting the guns.

We honor veterans this day because it’s not easy shooting a bunch of people. You have to worry about them shooting back at you. Sometimes you have to worry about accidentally getting shot by soldiers on your side. You might get blown up with a bomb. Serving in the military is a clusterfuck of explosions and bullets and murder. Even if you don’t get shot or exploded you may come out of the military messed up in the head because you had to shoot a bunch of people and/or you were getting shot at all the time. Frankly, you’d probably be some sort of sociopathic monster if that didn’t mess you up at least a little.

When you think about it it’s all pretty fucked up. Frankly, I think rather than spending Veteran’s day honoring vets we should spend it profusely apologizing to them.

So sorry, veterans. Sorry the world’s governments are so messed up that they use war as a way to solve problems. Don’t get me wrong, you still deserve our thanks because you’re ultimately protecting us from other governments’ fucked up agendas but the system is still broken and you pay for it with your lives, limbs and sanity. Maybe in the future wars can be fought by robots shooting the shit out of each other instead of people. Of course, if war ever becomes robot based then Japan will take over the world in a week.