Yesterday, we focused on the more sexist and racist and generally offensive costumes. Today, we will focus on the “what the Hell are they thinking?” costumes.

Like the 80’s. The entire decade was pretty much a WTF decade. Sure, I grew up in them, and I loved my childhood. Which is why this attack on my childhood is so painful.

From the books I read:

To my educational programming:

To my cuddly happy cartoons:

To my adventure action figures:

To my goddamned video games:

Note the name “Sexy Red Plumber Costume.” Nintendo is currently my favorite for not allowing them to use the name.

It’s like my entire childhood was molested and forced to star in a shitty porn. And you think your precious Ninja Turtles are safe?

Raphael was rude and decided not to appear in my post.

Oh hey- anyone else notice that the last “costume” isn’t even a costume? Apparently, wearing a tank dress that barely covers your ass is the new thing in “costuming.” Damnit- back in my day, we made costumes out of cardboard boxes and duct tape, and we spent hours painting them to look like actual transformers or lego people. When the hell did we decide that THIS:

become a costume? Or a dress, now that I think about it… I’m kinda contemplating buying them as shirts.

Nerds not your thing? Have a large group? How about a bag of blowpops?

Candy not your thing? You could be breakfast:

Or you could give up all pretense:

Look, I honestly don’t care if you dress as a sexy whatever. It makes you feel pretty? Have at. My complaint isn’t sexy women walking around in next to nothing. I’m kinda for it. My complaint is the lack of creativity and out right costume in many of these costumes. Dressing up slutty just to dress slutty doesn’t really do it for me. It doesn’t say Halloween costume to me. It says “dressing slutty which is a thing I can do any day of the year.” Put a little more effort into your costume. Put a little thought into it. Make me think you use your brain, too. Because brains are sexy as hell.

I was unable to find a sexy brain Halloween costume. Shame. I would buy the hell out of that.