Entertainment news sites are proclaiming that this will be yet another summer of sequels in theaters with Transformers : Dark of the Moon, The Hangover 2, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2: Magic Boogaloo, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dirty Face Mascara Party, Mission Impossible 2: Tom Cruise Tries Pulling Off Being a Secret Agent at 48 Years Old and X-Men: At Least Brett Ratner’s Not Directing This One Holy Shit is he Terrible. People wonder why so many unnecessary sequels get made and the answer is that we’re all idiots that are comfortable with the familiar. With this in mind, I have some sequel screenplays lying around my bathroom floor that I’m going to start immediately submitting to Hollywood (submitting = mailing them to “Movie People; Hollywood, CA”).
Garfield 3: The Fast and the Purrious. Garfield and Odie are taken for a wild ride as Jon Arbuckles the fuck up and starts street racing in an attempt to win the affections of Liz the Veterinarian.
Home Alone 5. Macaulay Culkin, reenacting childhood trauma, attempts to break into Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern’s (they’re roommates) house to clog up their kitchen sink and leave the water running. He’s foiled again and again by a sophisticated security system of swinging paint cans and BB rifles.
City Slickers 3: Curly’s Revenge. The ghost of Curly torments Mitch Robbins until he returns the gold to where it was buried. He gathers up his friends for one last final this time for real journey to the ranch where they learn yet again the true meaning of friendship. While away, Macauley Culkin breaks into Phil Berquist’s house, clogs the kitchen sink and leaves the water running.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 3. The jeans are stolen by a Mexican pants cartel and these sisters learn that blood is thicker than denim as they kill their way across the country to retrieve a symbol of their friendship.
Oceans 14. Danny calls all his friends from last time plus one more to Beijing for their biggest score yet. This time they’re going to steal all the tea in China.
I’ll be a millionaire!
(p.s. I was going to do one about a new “Scary Movie” because “fuck it, they did another ‘Scream'” but it turns out that it’s already in production. Good news out there for fans of semen jokes.)