I was watching the cnn.com five minute recap of last night’s Tea Party debate because I like to start my morning with a nice frothy fit of rage (works just as well as coffee). Seeing all the candidates on stage I was left with a really big question.

What the fuck is Newt Gingrich doing up there?

Seriously. Somebody should tell him. It’s kind of sad to see him up there. Sure, there’s plenty of candidates that don’t have a shot up there (Santorum!) but Newt Gingrich really, seriously, holy shit honestly does not have a shot at the nomination. The guy hasn’t held office in about 13 years and all he’s done since then is write Civil War fanfic and hang around Fox News. Why is he running? Who told him this was a good idea?

Ugh. Look at him.

Look at those little beady eyes.  His weird hair.  Would you vote for that?

Didn’t anybody tell him he kind of became the mascot for hypocrisy when he cheated on his second wife (and former mistress from his first marriage) while trying to get Clinton impeached for cheating?  Nobody’s going to vote for him.  It’s almost like the Republicans are fucking with him.

Wait… is that it?  Is this some sort of prank on the poor guy?  When the convention starts up in Tampa next year, is Newt going to step on stage to accept his nomination only to get a bucket full of pig’s blood on his head “Carrie” style?  If so, will his terrible psychokinetic powers finally be unleashed, killing hundreds of republican delegates and candidates in the convention center?  That would be terrible (right?  I keep telling myself that would be terrible).

Please, Republicans.  For your own safety, stop leading Newt Gingrich on.  Don’t vote for him.  In fact, just to be safe, don’t vote for any of the Republican candidates.