There’s been a rash of violent crime in Uptown recently and as a resident of Uptown, I’m genuinely scared for my safety and the safety of my friends. Uptown is supposed to be a place where we can be free to drink shitty beer, enjoy organic produce at one of our 17 co-op stores (I belong to 15 of them) and bring our children to the park to play non competitive games like Chomskyball (every child is given a ball and is encouraged to discuss why referees are unnecessary).
It’s quite obvious that the police can’t be trusted to solve this so uptown residents should take care to travel in large groups. I suggest not going outside unless you’re part of a grown up scavenger hunt or bar crawl. To avoid confrontation, always have a longboard with you for a speedy yet hip getaway. Should you have to fight, there are some Uptown friendly self defense tips available to you.
-Knitting a roll of pennies into the end of your scarf can turn it into a stylish weapon that can be used in any weather!
– Fair trade, shade grown coffee heated to 190 degrees can be thrown into the face of an attacker giving you a moment to escape and peace of mind knowing that you’re helping sustainable farming.
– Organic chili peppers ground to a paste and put into an eco friendly spray bottle makes for a great homemade pepper spray.
In all seriousness, there’s been four attacks in the last week. Three guys, they have a gun and brass knuckles (where do you even get brass knuckles? Old timey weapons store?). Please be careful when traveling in uptown and don’t actually try the pennies-in-scarf thing unless you’re proficient in knit-fu.
Dear Bill,
As a local resident to the uptown neighborhood and a long time reader to your blog, I am pleased to see a community member sharing advice for his fellow patrons. However, I take up issue with a particular part of your advice. Pennies in one’s scarf? Really?
Copper is currently categorized by the EPA as a Group D carcinogen (inadequate evidence to classify). But, I have read countless books and watched many documentaries on copper and it is indeed a harmful metal. As you may or may not know, we are unable to regulate levels of copper within the human body and when levels reach a certain point, copper has been known to cause cancer.
Now, I like all Uptowners want to see justice done to these juvenile men OR woman, but at what cost? I think we should leave the punishment up to our democratic court systems and not a life time full of cancer.
I understand that you were not aware of the complications when sat down to write this posting nor did you bother to read up on the subject to make an informed reading for your viewers. I urge you, please, amend your blog posting until the FDA has had enough time to adequately research the full effects of copper on the human body.
Thank you,
Hamilton