The biggest problem with a lot of Christians is how they mischaracterize Christ. They assign qualities and opinions to him that were never mentioned in the bible. Christ is a very malleable personality for a lot of people but not for Stephen Sawyer, the artist who is the focus of a recent Guardian article and the man behind art4god.com. To him, Jesus is the not only the son of God but also of Kenny Loggins and Patrick Swayze’s character in “Roadhouse”. A man’s man with huge biceps, a square jaw and sweet tattoos.

From the article, Sawyer says “I scarcely think Jesus could have overturned the tables of the money-lenders and driven them from the temple if he was a wimp. The model I use for my paintings is a surfer guy who’s built like a brick shithouse.” You’re God blessed right, Sawyer. My jesus squat thrusts his crucifix, nails himself to it, spits blood in the face of his Roman torturer and says “is that all you got?”

The website has a ton of original portraits of Jesus being all badass but they’re protected by copyright (copyrighted? Copyritten?), I can’t repost without permission and that ain’t happening anytime soon so click the links below (totally worth it) for some of my favorites from art4god.

Fireman’s Prayer: Sure, firemen are heroes but the real hero is Jesus. The biggest hero of all? Jesus as a firefighter.

A one armed biker guy shoots Jesus full of heroin: Man, Jesus does not look like he’s having fun doing heroin. The point, according to the accompanying text on the page, is that “when you’ve done it unto the least of these, you’ve done it unto me” and “Only God will share in the fullness of your sufferings and never forsake you”. Or the pressures of sitting at the right hand of the lord have just become too much for him.

and in this corner in the blue trunks, Jesus!: Here’s Jesus in a boxing ring because metaphorical fighting to save us from our sins deserves a literal interpretation (also holy shit his gloves say “Mercy”!). The name of the portrait is “Undefeated” so I guess that whole bout with the Romans was just an exhibition match.

Jesus kidnaps a lamb and climbs a mountain: Another in the series of “Literal interpretations of metaphor” paintings, Jesus literally puts himself in literal harm’s way for a literal lamb but for some reason the look of mischief on his face makes you think he’s stealing it.

Heaven is a 21+ club with a $5 cover on Fridays and Saturdays. The name of the portrait is “hero” but it should be “bouncer”.

Jesus loves his father: and he shows it with this bitchin’ tattoo. “What do you mean, have I read Leviticus?”

I’m all for this testosterone filled Jesus. I can’t wait to commission this guy to do some oil paintings of Jesus in the ring wrestling with Macho Man Randy Savage.

I'm comin' for youuuuuuuuuuuu, Jesus son of god Christ man. I got my thiiiiiiiiiirrrrrty pieces of silver but I won't need a cross this Sunday because you ain't gonna rise this tiiiiiiiiime!

Rest in peace, Macho Man.  You died for our sins.