I’m on my third week of blogging now and I feel that I can really open up to you, the reader. Every day that I’ve posted some little short story or political satire or shameless plug for a show I’m doing I’m lying. Lying to you and lying to myself. It’s not me and it’s not who I want to be. I have such great aspirations for this website but I don’t think I have the talent or chops to really fufill my dream. My dream is to be a celebrity gossip blogger.

I know it’s foolish. People like my hero, Perez Hilton make it look easy with his blog, his fashion blog Coco Perez or his celebrity pet blog Teddy Hilton (named after his dog) where he literally just posts pictures of celebrities picking up dog shit.

I lie awake at night fantasizing about spending all day in bed, laying on my stomach with my feet in the air like a teenage girl on the phone, typing away on my laptop about Justin Bieber’s new perfume. I’d spend every day sipping mimosas and getting erections whenever somebody who was in a movie gets arrested for drunk driving. I’d rub one out quickly while crying furiously and then post a picture of the famous drunk driver, perhaps I’d ms paint the word “LOLZ!” on their picture and then let my eyes roll in the back of my head while the blog hits came in and gave me the ultimate ego high.

I’ve even been working on coming up with a clever celebrity blogger name. So far I have it narrowed down to:

-Jim Kardashian
-Man Gaga
– If Snooki were a dude and also a celebrity blogger

I know it’s useless. A simple midwestern joke-guy like me could never be the hard nosed reporter who tells the public about who Justin Timberlake may or may not be having sex with but I’ll continue with my dream because I’m an empty fucking shell of a human being.