Hey there, blogophiliacs! I’m busy running around trying to get ready for this nerd convention that I’ll be performing at all weekend so today’s blog is an old favorite from my ol’ MySpace page! Enjoy!

The following is a rough timeline of what the public school system teaches of Christopher Columbus. This can be quite a valuable tool for the hundreds of four year olds that read my blog and want to know what to expect over the next 12 years of their scholastic career.

K-5: In 1492, Columbus Sailed the ocean blue. He was on a voyage to show the queen of Spain that the world was round. During his voyage, he discovered America and met people who lived there that called themselves “Indians”. In exchange for some horses and the gift of Christianity, these friendly natives gave Columbus exotic vegetables to bring back to his delighted queen!

6TH GRADE: Actually, Columbus didn’t discover America. That had been done already by some Vikings a couple hundred years prior. Even earlier by the natives if you really want to get into the semantics of it.

7TH GRADE: Oh, Columbus wasn’t really trying to prove the world was round. That had kind of been accepted as scientific fact since the 2nd Century B.C. He was actually just trying to find a shortcut to India to get spices and opium.

8TH GRADE: Dumbass actually thought he had landed in India. That’s why we call Native Americans “Indians”. In an effort to cover his own ass, he brought back exotic vegetables and called them spices. That’s why we call jalapenos and the like “peppers”.

9TH GRADE: Yeah… about those Indians. The few he didn’t rape and kill he took into slavery.

10TH GRADE: Stealing a time machine from Leonardo DaVinci, Columbus travelled to 1908 Vienna where met young artist Adolf Hitler outside of the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. When Hitler told Columbus of his latest application rejection, Columbus scoffed and said “Those damn Jews wouldn’t know art if it slapped them in the face!”. He then went back to his own time to rape some more Indians.

11TH GRADE: Remember that puppy you had when you were little that your mother said “ran away”? Christopher Columbus strangled it to death because it’s the only way he can achieve an erection.

12TH GRADE: Don’t ask me how, just know that Christopher Columbus was somehow involved with the cancellation of “Arrested Development”.

Note: Should you choose to go on to college after graduation, I highly recommend majoring in Columbus Studies. Then you can learn even more about this intrepid explorer like his involvment in the 9/11 terror plot, the Lincoln assasination and pretty much every Adam Sandler movie after “Happy Gilmore”.