Harold Camping, a 89 year old Radio Broadcaster has predicted that Jesus will return sometime next Saturday to take all the believers (Some Evangelical Christians) to heaven and leave the rest of us to be sodomized by demons or whatever until October when the earth explodes.

Now as reasonable as this all sounds, let’s all take a minute before we max out our credit cards and yell “fuck you!” to our landlords or mortgage companies. We should take a few things into consideration –

*He’s not the first, second, third or 500th person to predict the end times and be, sadly, incorrect.

*This isn’t the first time he’s predicted the rapture. Seriously. He wrote an entire book about how the world was going to end in 1994.

*HIS WEBSITE IS STILL TAKING DONATIONS. When you open up Family Radio’s page a pop up states “Family Radio’s donation server is currently undergoing security maintenance. The donation page should be back up later today, however, if you would like to make a donation via credit or debit (ATM) card now, please call 1-800-543-1495 (Ext. 376) and a representative will help to process your donation. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
If I were expecting to be sucked up to heaven, I wouldn’t worry about paying off my student loans but perhaps Mr. Camping is worried that Jesus is gonna ask for a few bucks for the ride up. Gas, grass or ass, nobody rides for free to the kingdom of the father.

Now while I know it’s hard arguing with some some seriously confusing math using dates in the bible, somebody once told me about some guy named Matt that wrote a book and said “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father” but what does that jackass know, right?

While this debate may rage on for eternity (or until next Saturday), I can predict with certainty that I’ll be telling stand up comedy jokes at the Comedy Corner Underground on May 21st with one of my bestest and funniest friends Phoebe Bottoms! If Jesus does decide to return that day, I’ll let him in for free. You still have to pay $7.

(p.s. I first stumbled upon the info about Millerism and Hal Lindsey reading Everything Dies by Box Brown. Check it out while you still can!)

Minnesota is currently working on a bill to ban gay marriage which is a bit odd since The Daily Show recently called Minneapolis America’s gayest city. Opponents of gay marriage call it a “slippery slope” but what exactly lies at the bottom of this slippery slope, you ask? Global nuclear destruction.

It starts off innocent enough. The government will eventually cave and gay marriage will be written into the constitution. For the first six months or so humanity will breathe a sigh of relief when no biblical apocalypse arrives when society allows two people of the same sex who love each other to marry. That’s when they come.

Thousands of mountain men from the Appalachians and Ozarks will come streaming down from their shanties demanding their god given right to marry their only true companions in their lonely mountain life. Their pets. The stench of moonshine will envelop Washington D.C. as thousands of grizzled, suspender clad men march in protest. Congress will ironically shout “get off our land!” but their cries shall fall upon deaf ears. Public opinion will sway in favor of the animal betrothed rednecks when networks begin airing hip, cosmopolitan mountain bestiality friendly sitcoms like “Oakie and Whiskers”. Celebratory musket fire will be heard all around the country as Congress amends the Constituion to allow the union.

Seeing the trend and deciding to save time, Congress stipulates in the bill that animals can also marry each other. Dogs begin marrying cats. Cats begin marrying mice. Police stations all around the nation are flooded with domestic dispute reports as hunting instincts are proven stronger than marriage vows. With the police occupied, over 100,000 registered necrophiliacs (source: 2010 U.S. Census) take to the graveyards with shovels and engagement rings.

Martial law is declared as Anarchy rules the streets. High ranking military officers, stressed and frustrated by the lack of support from their wives, petition to marry their nuclear arsenal. Six months later another amendment is passed and every honeymoon hotspot in the world is decimated by accidental triggering of nuclear missles.
This, my friends, is why we must never allow two monogamous men that love each other to get a piece of paper that says they’re married.

For a list of my sources, please read the Bible.

There’s been a rash of violent crime in Uptown recently and as a resident of Uptown, I’m genuinely scared for my safety and the safety of my friends. Uptown is supposed to be a place where we can be free to drink shitty beer, enjoy organic produce at one of our 17 co-op stores (I belong to 15 of them) and bring our children to the park to play non competitive games like Chomskyball (every child is given a ball and is encouraged to discuss why referees are unnecessary).

It’s quite obvious that the police can’t be trusted to solve this so uptown residents should take care to travel in large groups. I suggest not going outside unless you’re part of a grown up scavenger hunt or bar crawl. To avoid confrontation, always have a longboard with you for a speedy yet hip getaway. Should you have to fight, there are some Uptown friendly self defense tips available to you.

-Knitting a roll of pennies into the end of your scarf can turn it into a stylish weapon that can be used in any weather!

– Fair trade, shade grown coffee heated to 190 degrees can be thrown into the face of an attacker giving you a moment to escape and peace of mind knowing that you’re helping sustainable farming.

– Organic chili peppers ground to a paste and put into an eco friendly spray bottle makes for a great homemade pepper spray.

In all seriousness, there’s been four attacks in the last week. Three guys, they have a gun and brass knuckles (where do you even get brass knuckles? Old timey weapons store?). Please be careful when traveling in uptown and don’t actually try the pennies-in-scarf thing unless you’re proficient in knit-fu.