A Huffington Post Article from today reports that Dick Cheney’s Memoir, “In My Life”, he urged bush to bomb a suspected nuclear reactor in 2007. Here’s some other facts leaked from the memoir.

* Chapter five is just a list of the names of 99 other senators he wished he had told to fuck off.

*Location of stash of Nazi gold.

* Heart attacks 3, 4 were just an excuse to spend time with cute nurse in Cardiology.

* The pride he felt teaching President Bush to ride a bicycle.

* Was molested by Nixon when serving as a staffer for Donald Rumsfeld in 1969.

* Was “totally embarrassed” when he and Pope Benedict both dressed as Emperor Palpatine for the 2007 Illuminati Halloween Party / Costume Contest.

* That “it takes some serious King Kong balls” to shoot somebody in the face and have them apologize for it.

*Valerie Plame’s current whereabouts.

*15 pages of scowling photographs.

google image search "Dick Cheney". The real scary ones are when he's smiling.

The memoir is expected to be released next week.  Buy it wherever horrible books are sold.

With fall fast approaching and Football season ready to begin I seriously could not care less. I don’t even want to use up the energy it takes to google when football season starts. I never have given and never will give a shit about football (or any sport, really). That’s okay. I don’t look down upon people who do, I just can’t get into it. This makes having conversations with guys in the fall really difficult. Also, living in Uptown, Minneapolis, part of my lease agreement states that I can only enjoy non traditional sports ironically. Here’s a few hipster approved sports for all you uptown weirdos.

KICKBALL

Nothing says “Take that, conventional sports!” like organizing a bunch of adults to play a game meant for children.  While this does have things that hipsters hate like running, throwing and kicking, it more than makes up for that with it’s encouragement of brightly colored uniforms and drinking during and after play.  Hell, most people only join kickball leagues so they can go to the bar with the rest of the team afterwards.

RUGBY

This one might seem like an odd choice because it’s physically more demanding, competitive and brutal than any other sport on the planet but this one is safe to follow for two reasons.

1.  It’s popular in Europe.

2.  Homosexuals love it.

That’s right.  The International Gay Rugby Association and Board or “IGRAB” has over 20 teams in the USA alone.   Supporting alternative lifestyle and alternative sports at the same time?  Sign me up!

QUIDDITCH

Okay, I honestly thought of this one as a joke and then I looked it up.  People actually play that sport from Harry Potter. Wow. The U of M actually has a team.

Below is a list of things that you can get a bunch of friends to do with you and as long as you make jerseys for yourselves, it’s a hipster sport!

Hopscotch
Potato Sack Racing
Pogs
Freeze Tag
Tree Climbing
Staring Contest
Double Dutch
snowball fight
Competitive Truth or Dare

Sports!

Remember when Donald Trump and Sarah Palin were the front runners for republican nomination?  I miss that.  It seems like just yesterday that the Tea Party psychos were calling the shots and the republican primary was going to be a fucking circus full of unelectable morons who constantly vomit wildly inaccurate verbal diarrhea from their stupid mouths.  Even Bachmann’s viability is in question now that it’s been revealed that she practically fixedthe Iowa Straw Poll.  It seems that a new front runner is emerging. Texas Governer and corn dog deep-throater Rick Perry.

Although he’s the current Governor of Texas and was George W. Bush’s Lieutenant Governor, people are quick to say he’s not some Bush: The Sequel. In fact, he’s more Texan than Bush.  How is he more Texan than Bush?  Well, for one, he carries a fucking gun everywhere he goes.

Governor Perry on the campaign trail.

In the above linked article, he proudly proclaims that he carries a gun when he’s out jogging to fend off wild animals (on one jog he shot a coyote who was threatening his dog).  When asked if he’d carry around a gun during his campaign he didn’t answer and added “That’s why they’re called ‘concealed'”.

Let’s ignore the fact that a man seeking the highest office in the United States is offering riddles, half answers and winks about carrying a fucking firearm around and, if nominated, he’ll have a secret service detail to protect him so having a gun at that point it little more than overcompensating for a tiny penis.  Is this really the guy you want as your man, Republicans?  What happens if, during the primaries, Bachmann says something inflammatory and wildly inaccurate about Perry (it’s a stretch but it could happen)?  Will he just pull out a white glove, slap her in the face and challenge her to a duel?  Pistols at dawn would spell doom for Bachmann if all she has to defend herself is a replica musket stuffed full of tea bags.

Don’t mess with Texas, people.

My weekend of bachelorhood was pretty uneventful.  I watched some movies, did some cleaning, made some curry and drank some beer.

Oh, I also bought Oreo’s newest fat delivery system, the The Triple Double Oreo.

Each package comes with a free suicide note safety pinned to a pair of dirty sweatpants

The Triple Double Oreo, which I can only assume was the brainchild of a Nabisco executive eating a Big Mac and thinking “This is tasty but what if it was a cookie?” Is a layer of cookie, a layer of creme (cream?  I don’t know what the proper spelling would be in this situation.  I’m gonna go with creme), another layer of cookie, a layer of chocolate creme and a layer of cookie.  After years of smashing cookies together in Nabisco’s LBC (Large Biscuit Collider) to try to find sweets that have only been theorized in the past, the Triple Double Oreo was finally born.

The only question remaining is where does Oreo go next?  Smooshing two cookies together and calling it one cookie is only the latest in their many, many variations of the Oreo but it feels like they’re running out of options. If any Nabisco idea people read this blog, you can have this idea for free.

OREO:  JUST THE CREME

This can be the product for all the Oreo creme lovers out there.  It’s like an Oreo cookie but without the cookie.  Inside the package is just a mass of creme.  I realize that eating that can be a bit of a mess without a spoon but I got that covered, too.  The package is a caulking gun.  Just point the nozzle at your mouth, pull the trigger, open wide, let the creme gush out and….

Okay, this sounds a lot more like a porn script than it did in my head five minutes ago.  Scratch the caulking gun.

I’ll get back to you on the packaging but think about it.  Oreo: Just the Creme.

Over the next seven weekends Jena will be working the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. With Jared at his dad’s for the weekends and me with no work in August, this means that I’ll be home alone for the next several weekends. Completely alone. This is going to be a great opportunity for me to devolve back to the feral bachelor I was before Jena rescued and domesticated me. Here are my weekend plans so far.

PANTS – Not going to wear them.

FOOD- The trick to eating alone is to create as few dirty dishes as possible.  This means eating food right out of the pot it was cooked in (i.e. mac n’ cheese) and possibly with the wooden spoon used to cook it.  Other foods such as peanut butter, tuna etc. can be eaten right out of the jar or can.  Unfortunately, a fork or spoon may be needed for these but if you have a roll of toilet paper in arm’s reach you can use that as a napkin and eat with your hands.

BOOZE – I shall construct a beeramid, one that shall touch the sky to house my remains, possessions and servants.  A beeramid so grand that mighty Anubis shall bow down before it!  That, or one as tall as a twelve pack of PBR will allow.

In all honestly I’ll probably just lose most of my weekend to internet porn.

Poor David Letterman.  The man’s had a pretty rough run for a billionaire.  First he has a quintuple bypass, then a kidnapping plot, an extortion plot, a messy public affair and now a bunch of jihadists want to “cut out his tongue” because of some jokes he made about Osama Bin Laden.

Let me be the first to say that I think the jihadists are overreacting on this. When was the last time any of these muslim extremists took a look at the infidel offense/retribution scale?  It’s a bit imbalanced.

Desecration of holy land = KILL THE INFIDEL

Slander of Allah = KILL THE INFIDEL

Cut off in traffic = KILL THE INFIDEL

Left the toilet seat up = KILL THE INFIDEL

They also got Letterman’s religion wrong.  Several times he was referred to as “jew” and “zionist pig”.  Listen, Mr. Crazy Terrorist, just because somebody makes fun of Osama Bin Laden, works in the entertainment industry and has short curly hair doesn’t mean he’s Jewish and what’s so wrong about being Jewish, anyway?  That’s racist.  Don’t be racist.

I apologize if any jihadists take offense to this (I’m only assuming that a lot of extremists read this blog) but if you have a problem, feel free to offer a crazy empty death threat because I could totally use the free press.

I posted a few weeks back about how the Surgeon General is putting new warnings on cigarette packs that take up nearly half the pack and offer pretty graphic images –

Well it seems that these honest businessmen are sick of being picked on and bullied so they’re suing the federal government.   The lawsuit states “Never before in the United States have producers of a lawful product been required to use their own packaging and advertising to convey an emotionally-charged government message urging adult consumers to shun their products” then the lawyer most likely muttered under their breath “granted, never before in the United States has a lawful product killed such a large percentage of people by using said product as directed BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT”.

Amongst the many complaints is that the images were doctored to produce a more emotional response.  Specifically, in the “healthy lung / diseased lung” (top left), the healthy lung was scrubbed to look more healthy.  Okay, I can actually see where they’d have a problem but one of the complaints is that the stitched up corpse (center right) is actually an actor with a fake scar!  So… they would rather have an actual cadaver displayed on their packs instead of this (rather convincing.  I couldn’t even tell he was alive in the picture) actor?

I say good luck to you, big tobacco.  Don’t let the man get you down and fight the power because nothing is more honest and American than a sociopathic quest for money that leaves a trail of millions of corpses behind it!

Hello, people who came to this blog via The Stranger! If you’re new to the site (i.e. not a friend, family member or person I forced one of my business cards on after a show) let me tell you about what we do around here. My name is Bill and I’m a part time comedian / full time housewife. I usually blog here once a day about stupid news stories, semi autobiographical bullshit, shameless plugging of my shows, fake detective stories and only the highest caliber of classy, cerebral political satire available on the internet.

Now that we got that out of the way, here’s some pictures of republican presidential candidates fellating food.

Careful, Rick. Those sticks have pointy tips.

Okay, I’ll admit this is a cheap shot.  Gov. Perry is at the Iowa State Fair, you can’t go to a State Fair without picking up a corn dog and it’s impossible to eat one of those things without looking like you’re auditioning for a ticket on the Bangbus.  Sure, you could eat it from the side but then it might fall off the stick so it’s really just best to dive in.  Besides, it doesn’t really look that much like you’re actually giving a blow job when you’re eating a corndog and HELLO…

The wry smile on the man in the lower left corner is priceless.

Here’s Rep. Michele Bachmann also at the Iowa State Fair showing Perry how shit gets DONE.  Seriously.  Who conducted the straw poll this year, Vivid?

Again, these are low blows.  It’s impossible to eat one of those things without looking a little porny but Bachmann looks like she’s trying to prove a point or something.

Well, I think that’s it so… wait a minute.  Santorum!

Seriously?  Soft Serve?  Shit like this is why you finished 4th.  Man up and have a corn dog.

In all honesty I’m going to have to make sure there’s no cameras around next time I dive into a kielbasa if I ever want to run for office.

Many LGBT youths can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. Some of them throw themselves so far into the closet they become republican, pursue a career in politics, get elected to office and constantly vote against marriage equality and gay rights. To those people like Indiana State Rep. Phillip Hinkle who was recently caught soliciting gay sex with a much younger man for money in a “sugar daddy” situation I have a message for you.

It gets better.

You may think that there’s no future for you but this is just the beginning. You can come out of the closet now. Everybody knows you’re gay. A part of you is going to want to deny, deny , deny but that never works. Just look at closeted gay republican anti gay equality politicians like Larry Craig, Robert Allen, Roy Ashburn, Richard Curtis, Jim West, Ed Schrock and many, many, seriously quite a few (so many!) others. They’ll say things like they just wanted some toilet paper from the guy in the next stall or they only offered to blow the guy for $20 because they’re afraid of black people but everybody knows, their careers are ruined and they’re unhappy. This doesn’t have to be you.

As an openly gay man, you wouldn’t have to worry about trolling craigslist for sex when you can just go to a gay bar for free. You won’t have to worry about media scrutiny and most of all you won’t have to constantly attempt to make openly gay people second class citizens because you can’t come to terms with the fact that you’re attracted to men. It does get better.

You may think you’re alone but you’re not. If the last 50 republican sex scandals have taught us anything, it’s that pretty much any republican who votes against gay marriage is most likely a closeted homosexual. Just like you, Rep. Hinkle. You’re not alone. It gets better.

I know you’ve been like this for many years and it’s hard to change. You’ve always known you were gay but didn’t want other people to know. You saw how openly gay people were bullied and thought if you bullied them even harder nobody would suspect your homosexuality so you became the biggest bully of all, a republican politician. So many years you’ve lived this lie but it’s over now. You’re an old, old super old gay man. The sooner you embrace that, the sooner it will get better.

If you need any more encouragement, you can watch the videos at itgetsbetter.org and hear the kind, inspiring words of loving people that you’ve been trying to politically curb stomp your entire career.

Here’s Yatta.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW6M8D41ZWU]

It’s one of the oldest memes around but still gets me every time. I still laugh every time the leaf turns to hope.