Sunday will mark 10 years since terrorists hijacked four planes and flew them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Wow.  I just read that.  Did I just write the most useless exposition ever?  For those of you who forgot what happened on September 11th, 2001, please read the first sentence.  Glad I could fill in the blanks for anybody who was busy that day.

Okay, the point I’m trying to make is I, like a lot of people, remember what I was doing that day and not just because of all those “Never Forget” t-shirts and bumper stickers.

I was 19 years old and couch surfing in various friends’ apartments in the Twin Cities.  That morning I woke up at my brother’s place in Shoreview.  I was telemarketing part time for US bank and didn’t have to work until 5PM so that gave me plenty of time to bond with my brother’s sweet premium cable package.  I turned the TV on around 11AM and saw the footage of the 2nd plane flying into the tower.  My brother woke up and we both just watched over and over again the plane flying into the tower.  Every station either redirected to one of the big news networks or was off the air.  For hours and hours we saw that footage on a loop.

My mom called me at noon and asked if I was okay.  I assured her I was still in Minnesota and she told me she was worried that I might be at the Mall of America and the terrorists could hit that next.

After a while we just shut the TV off.  We just couldn’t watch that video one more time.  We talked a little bit.  Questioned what this meant.  Were we going to war?  Is this just the way things are now?  Planes fly into shit?  What?

Then we wrote some jokes about the whole thing.

I want to point out that we didn’t joke about the attack out of disrespect to the victims.  We weren’t firing pistols in the air and burning an American flag in the parking lot.  We were confused and a little scared and didn’t know what was going to happen next and this was a way to brush off  some of the anxiety.  We wrote three in total.  I forgot what two of them were about but one was how it would be funny if it was a total coincidence that two planes attacked the WTC.  Like the guy in the second plane is flying up thinking how original this was and nobody’s ever done it and then he sees the smoke and his last thought is “Goddamnit!”.

I never said they were good j0kes.

We laughed about it for a while and that helped.  When it was all over I told my brother there was no way I was ever doing any of those jokes on stage and we tore the page out of the notebook and threw it away.

Please feel free to leave any comments about what you were doing on that day.

Have a fun weekend!

I love hearing 23 year olds talk about how they don’t get hangovers.  They, like I did at that age, will talk about how they can drink and drink and wake up fine the next morning as long as they have a glass of water before they go to sleep.  Seemingly blessed with some superpower, their livers are alcohol processing machines, their metabolisms burn that shit to fuel their ever-partying bodies until the wee hours.

To all the 21-23 year olds out there I have some very sad news for you.  It’s going to fucking happen.  You will get hangovers.  It’ll happen so gradually you won’t know when it started.  Maybe that one night you had way too much to drink or drank sugary mixed drinks or didn’t get enough sleep?  You’ll rationalize a non-hangover reason for the throbbing pain in your head but you’re just lying to yourself.  This will happen more and more until you finally have to accept the fact that you can’t even have a few beers without making sure you get a pitcher of water and 8 full hours of sleep.  Congratulations, you are now aging.

The worst part about accepting that you get hangovers is that you have to now accept the fact that the path you now walk increasingly becomes one where you work for your body more and your body works for you less.   Your body is now a thing you have to take care of with proper diet and exercise.  To make it even worse, as you get older you can actually exercise the wrong way.  You have to be careful about working out otherwise you’ll end up a fucking hunchback or have torn ankle tendons or get blood clots or some shit.

It’s all pretty heavy, 21-23 year old readers.  I know.  Reading this is a lot to take in and you may just want to have a drink to calm down but don’t go too crazy.  You have an early morning tomorrow.

Why yes I am hungover.  Why do you ask?

I’m not proud to admit this but I used to be an internet troll.   I would get the biggest fucking high off of finding people with ridiculous viewpoints and pretending to agree with them so they would say ridiculous things.  At one point I even started up a fake livejournal account for a girl named Ana_Mal, the pro-anorexic goth vegan wiccan cutter furry.  She works at Petsmart and doesn’t like people judging her.  It’s been a while  since I’ve recycled any old blogs so here’s one of her posts.

It was fun but started to get a little too real when girls started instant messaging me for “thinspirations”.

This cinematic masterpiece is directed by David R. Ellis, the man who took snakes and put them on a plane when he directed Snakes On a Plane.   Once again he takes animals out of their natural habitat by taking sharks out of the ocean and putting them in a Saltwater Lake.  The sharks, ripped from their homes and families, swim around confused and alone.  Crying tears that cannot be seen because they’re underwater, the sharks appeal to some vacationing teenagers for help in reuniting with their families.

The teenagers or college kids or whatever, refuse to help the sharks due to long standing prejudice against sea creatures.  They harass them and at one point, kill the youngest of the shark clan, Chompy.

Torn apart by grief, the sharks vow to avenge little Chompy the only way they know how.  By eating people.  War erupts between the lake sharks and the vacationing youths, lives are claimed on both sides of the conflict and it seems like there will be no end until all are dead but suddenly, it’s revealed that Chompy’s brother, Chomper is in love with the princess of the vacationing youths.

With their secret love revealed, both sides realize they have a lot more in common then they think.  The fighting stops and it seems that everybody will live happily ever after until Prince Beerbong of the vacationing youths shoots Chomper in a jealous rage.

Bleeding to death, Chomper staggers to his people to implore they lay down their weapons (teeth).  He now knows, if only too late, that vengeance is not the path to seek.  As he lay dying, the princess runs to him in her shark cage to tell him she just found out she’s pregnant.  With his dying words, he christens the unborn shark-child.

The princess get’s out of her cage and announces to the dwellers of the lake and island that her child will usher in an age of togetherness and harmony.

Fin.

I’ll be going to the Minnesota State Fair tonight with a bunch of friends but there’s one slight problem. I’m broke. While this may be a problem for some people, a smart fair-goer can still have a blast on a shoestring budget. Here’s some tips.

Food:  Sweet Martha’s Cookie Jar has long been a fair favorite for those with a sweet tooth but did you know you can buy the dough frozen at many Twin Cities grocery stores for less than half the fair price?  I suggest buying some, baking them at home, storing them in plastic bags and smuggling them into the fair taped to your body (Bonus: your body heat will keep them nice and warm!).   If you’re a true entrepreneur,  you can bring extra to sell at cut rate prices.  Careful you don’t get caught, though.  Food vendors at the fair run things Mafia style and you don’t want to end up at the bottom of Ye Old Mill wearing a pair of deep fried butter shoes.  If this is too inconvenient for you you can always huff discarded bags of mini donuts for a quick sugar high.

Rides:  While the fair has many unique and exciting rides to offer, they’re also a bit pricey.   There are two things at the fair, however, that are free.  Your imagination and the tractors on Machinery Hill.  Just sit on top of one, move the steering wheel left and right and make engine noises with your mouth!  Now all that’s left to do is yell out “who needs money?” and start laughing like a maniac until the laughter slowly devolves into crying as you’re yelled at by a man in overalls in front of hundreds of spectators.

Midway:  So many games and so many prizes and so much money.  I’d love to get the best prize possible but that just isn’t possible with my current funds unless I play it smart. I had heard about the guy who started out with one red paperclip and through a series of trades was able to get a house. All I have to do is start with one shitty prize and trade my way up. This should be easy since I’m dealing with carnies and they’re basically American Gypsies and love to barter. So I’ll start by winning a plastic mustache. I’ll trade that up for a switchblade comb. Once I have the comb I’ll trade that up for an unlicensed Family Guy plush doll. That should fetch me a nice inflatable squeaky mallet. Once I have the mallet I can trade it in for the ultimate prize. The Guns N’ Roses Coke Mirror.

Booze:  Sneak it in.  Duh.

See you there at the fair!

Socialist website MSNBC recently reported that a giant “ice island” is about to break off the Peterman glacier in Greenland. Showing their elite, liberal bias they’re quoted as saying the ice island is about “twice the size of Manhattan island”. A Manhattan is the standard unit of liberal land measurement.

These America hating satanists (oops. I mean scientists!) are stating that the glacier is melting off at an “alarming rate” and trying to convince hard working middle class Americans like you that it’s a bad thing.

Let me get this straight. I’m supposed to worry about some ice melting when my country is under attack from mexicans, homosexuals and terrorists? Tell you what, Center for Glaciology, I’ll give you some ice. I’ve worked hard enough without anybody’s help to afford a freezer with ice trays. Better yet, this is a free market. I can just go to the store and buy some ice without any government handouts.

The pinko whackos,using fear mongering tactics to convince people of their “theories”, stated that this was yet another piece of evidence for climate change. They stated “Take a step back from these individual pieces and we see a mosaic that could not be clearer. Our world is becoming less hospitable with every passing year.”

You don’t like the weather here on Earth then get the hell out or turn up the air conditioner.

Internet banner ad tricks have had a weird and interesting history.  Remember when you’d visit a site and a banner ad would tell you that you were the one millionth visitor and you won a car (or something equally implausible)?  Then in the crazy days of myspace there were the banner ads with  a “game” where you would have to shoot the cans off the fence to win a free ringtone.  These days, most banner ads seem to just be a fake news article with a picture attached that has nothing to do with said article –

The above fake news links were in a huffington post article.

1.  Commanders Hate Him.  Why?  Is it because he refuses to wear a shirt into battle?  How is  this a “Health Headline”?

2.  Dermatologists’ Best Keptsecret is trying to suck an egg?  What?  I don’t…  Why?

3.  One Wierd Trick to Stay Asleep all night is to dye half of your hair and look like you haven’t slept in days, I guess?  Does weird dreadlock girl know the trick to staying asleep?

Then there’s this one I got off of CNN.

Kissing brains leads to happier living.  Boston researchers have proven it.  Thanks, EverydayLifestyles!

The dumbest and most common ads I see are for ClassesUSA.

Why are the pictures for each age group all the same? I should also point out that this ad was actually animated to show color slowly filling up the pictures.

ClassesUSA has been responsible for other nonsensical ads in the past like “Obama tells Moms to go to school!” accompanied by a dancing  baby or old man or something.   Turns out they’re a huge scam. I looked them up and Ripoff Report has a bunch of complaints against them. Basically the site just gives your contact info to a bunch of diploma mills (fake colleges that give you fake degrees for little to no study).  The real kicker came when I saw a classesUSA report ad on a ripoff review complaint for classesUSA

I don’t know who is in charge of ad sales at classesUSA but I have to assume it’s a chimpanzee with a drinking problem.  Also, a picture of a chimpanzee with a drinking problem would be a great picture to go on one of their inane banner ads.

Hi.  We haven’t really talked in a while.  I’m willing to admit that I haven’t been the best at keeping up with old friends and acquaintances.   It’s something I need to work on but communication is a two way street and you’re dead.  That doesn’t help things.

I recently invited you to an event on facebook.  This isn’t the first time I’ve done this.  You haven’t responded yet and I don’t think you will because you haven’t responded to any event invites since you died and that’s okay.  I just wanted to say that I don’t expect you to punch through the veil of the afterlife and walk among the living once again just to see me host an open mic.

Don’t take this personally but you were kind of invited by accident.  When I start inviting people to events I take care in the beginning to not invite people who-

A)  Live in another state

B)  Obviously wouldn’t go to such an event

C)  Hates me but is still facebook friends with me for some reason

D)  Is dead.

The amount of attention paid to who I’m inviting to a facebook event, however, usually putters out right around the “B” names and I just begin clicking on everyone because it’s easier and I can let my mind drift.

This probably isn’t the last event I’m going to invite you to, either.  As time goes on and creating these events feels more and more pointless not even the “A” and “B” names that live far away will be safe from me inviting them to some karaoke night, comedy show or whatever ego fueling bullshit I need to tell everybody about.  The only way that this would stop is if I unfriended you and that isn’t about to happen.  I know you’re dead and don’t care if I’m still your friend on facebook but my Catholic guilt and Minnesota nice are mixing together and manifesting in weird ways in the age of digital communication and social networking.

So please don’t feel like you’re offending me because you’re not coming to my facebook events and I hope to see you at my barbecue next week.

The biggest problem with a lot of Christians is how they mischaracterize Christ. They assign qualities and opinions to him that were never mentioned in the bible. Christ is a very malleable personality for a lot of people but not for Stephen Sawyer, the artist who is the focus of a recent Guardian article and the man behind art4god.com. To him, Jesus is the not only the son of God but also of Kenny Loggins and Patrick Swayze’s character in “Roadhouse”. A man’s man with huge biceps, a square jaw and sweet tattoos.

From the article, Sawyer says “I scarcely think Jesus could have overturned the tables of the money-lenders and driven them from the temple if he was a wimp. The model I use for my paintings is a surfer guy who’s built like a brick shithouse.” You’re God blessed right, Sawyer. My jesus squat thrusts his crucifix, nails himself to it, spits blood in the face of his Roman torturer and says “is that all you got?”

The website has a ton of original portraits of Jesus being all badass but they’re protected by copyright (copyrighted? Copyritten?), I can’t repost without permission and that ain’t happening anytime soon so click the links below (totally worth it) for some of my favorites from art4god.

Fireman’s Prayer: Sure, firemen are heroes but the real hero is Jesus. The biggest hero of all? Jesus as a firefighter.

A one armed biker guy shoots Jesus full of heroin: Man, Jesus does not look like he’s having fun doing heroin. The point, according to the accompanying text on the page, is that “when you’ve done it unto the least of these, you’ve done it unto me” and “Only God will share in the fullness of your sufferings and never forsake you”. Or the pressures of sitting at the right hand of the lord have just become too much for him.

and in this corner in the blue trunks, Jesus!: Here’s Jesus in a boxing ring because metaphorical fighting to save us from our sins deserves a literal interpretation (also holy shit his gloves say “Mercy”!). The name of the portrait is “Undefeated” so I guess that whole bout with the Romans was just an exhibition match.

Jesus kidnaps a lamb and climbs a mountain: Another in the series of “Literal interpretations of metaphor” paintings, Jesus literally puts himself in literal harm’s way for a literal lamb but for some reason the look of mischief on his face makes you think he’s stealing it.

Heaven is a 21+ club with a $5 cover on Fridays and Saturdays. The name of the portrait is “hero” but it should be “bouncer”.

Jesus loves his father: and he shows it with this bitchin’ tattoo. “What do you mean, have I read Leviticus?”

I’m all for this testosterone filled Jesus. I can’t wait to commission this guy to do some oil paintings of Jesus in the ring wrestling with Macho Man Randy Savage.

I'm comin' for youuuuuuuuuuuu, Jesus son of god Christ man. I got my thiiiiiiiiiirrrrrty pieces of silver but I won't need a cross this Sunday because you ain't gonna rise this tiiiiiiiiime!

Rest in peace, Macho Man.  You died for our sins.

I want to start this by saying I hate bachelorette parties. I hate them because I’m a comedian. At some awful point in history it was decided that going to a comedy club would become a bachelorette party tradition and everything was ruined forever.

Pretty much everything about them demands your attention. They’re loud, they show up drunk, they wear the shiniest, sparkliest, gaudiest things imaginable (sometimes with flashing lights), they usually have some sort of dildo on hand (I’ve seen everything from a penis squirt gun to a four foot tall inflatable penis) and they’re usually selling something for some reason (the most popular item is a bunch of shitty liquor store grade suckers scotch taped to a white tee shirt with the words “Suck For a Buck” written on the shirt in Sharpie). It seems like this would be the worst group to walk into a comedy show but most clubs actually encourage them to come because 8 girls paying admission and drinking pitcher after pitcher of daiquiris through penis straws means money for the club.

I don’t think you’ll ever find a comedian that loves to see a bachelorette party at their show but I digress. Last week my friend, comedian and professional cryptohumorologist Mike Brody was working at a club in Loughvulggh, KY when he was told that a bachelorette party would be running late and showing up in the middle of his set. He decided to pull a prank on them (shown below).

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XhOrbTwFBE&w=420&h=345]

God bless you, Mike Brody.