I write blog titles like this and wonder why I get pervy search engine clicks for this site. Oh well.

Southwest and Delta announced they will roll back a 10% increase from last month due to federal tax increases. Essentially what happened was a federal tax expired. Airlines were charged this and in turn, charged the customer to cover the tax. Once the tax expired they didn’t lower the price and were keeping the money for themselves. It’s incredibly unethical but not unexpected in an industry that wrings customers’ wallets for every last penny (but somehow is always going bankrupt). After a month they decided to roll back the fee even though the tax is being collected again.

One may wonder how they could continue to collect a tax that didn’t exist but they were able to do it by breaking it up and hiding it in small fees included in every ticket price. Here’s a breakdown.

$1.25 – “Air Marshall” fee (badge given to customer at random to wear on plane to scare off potential terrorists)

$5 – Free Peanuts

$3 – Celebrity Gawk Fee (curtains to first class will be left open just a crack if somebody famous is on the plane)

$2 – Mile High Club membership dues (includes drink discounts, decoder ring and monthly newsletter)

$5 – Ass, Grass or Gas. Nobody Rides For Free Fee (Ass, Grass not accepted)

$3 – Kevin Smith Fee (pays for 2nd seat for fat celebrities i.e. John Goodman, that guy from Lost, most republican talk show hosts)

$2 – Flight Attendant Anti-Depressant Prescription Fee

$6 – Deadly Scanner Radiation Fee

Now that I’ve finally made a joke about airline peanuts, my work here is done (puts on sport coat, time travels back to the ’80s).