A few years ago I played a little role in my friends’ short film for the 48 Hour Film Project called Birthmarked For Death (click to watch on Funny or Die). It won a bunch of awards and was screened in the Short Film Corner of the Cannes Film Festival. Everybody went to the festival but I could, sadly, not tag along because I spent all my international travel money on beer and comic books. Since it was 2008 and Bush was still in office, I sent an email to my friends who went full of tips and tricks for Americans abroad. Here’s the letter:

Hey, y’all! How’s France treating you? I hope you’re all having fun at the Cannes film fest and if the locals are treating you rough because of your American heritage just remember a few things.

1. We saved their asses in WW2. Make sure to remind them as much as possible.

2. They fucking love Jerry Lewis (not to be confused with Jerry Lee Lewis) there. If you say something to a Frenchman and he is not pleased, just immediately follow it up with “Nice LLLLAAAADDDDYYYYY”.

3. Don’t bathe while you’re there. French people never bathe ever and you may fit in better if you smell of body odor.

While everybody receiving this email is married, engaged or in a relationship, I thought you all could use some pick up lines to use while you’re there

For the Guys:
I want to drive my Eurobus into your Chunnel.

I’d like to cram my Eiffel Tower into your Louvre.

I want you to ride my cock-bike in the Tour De Pants.

For the Ladies:
I want to spread my brie all over your baguette.

I want you to make like Napoleon and Bonemyparte.

I want to ride your cock-bike in the Tour De Pants.

Well, I hope you all receive this (do they have internet in France?) and are all having fun. Take lots of pictures! I’ll see you all when you get back.