There’s a group of people out there (there=the internet) that wants humanity to die out. It’s true. The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement has made it their mission to educate people that they’re killing the world and to not have babies anymore. While they have a convincing argument full of poignant comic strips, population statistics and a seriously condescending chart on why people have babies (click the link and scroll down a bit), they may have a problem getting people to join their cause for 3 reasons.

1. Without new babies, there’s no new Laughing Baby videos. I don’t want to live in that world.

2. It’s a stupid idea.

3. With no human beings around to keep animals in place by stuffing them in each other then eating them, some stupid animal will just evolve to become the dominant species and fuck the earth up even worse.

Science and SNL has taught us that the most likely candidate will be the Bear. They already know how to sit, stand and ride bikes. Once they can work a doorknob and say something other than a bad Chewbacca impression they’ll pretty much be on par with homo sapiens. This would be disastrous for mother earth. Why, you ask? Let me lay it out for you with bullet points.

*Bears can’t drive little hybrid cars. They can only fit comfortably in SUVs.

*Polar Bears will clog the skies with smoke from their overworked Coca Cola factories.

*Sewage treatment plants will be overtaxed from oversized bear poops. I’m only assuming bears poop huge. I tried googling “How big does a bear poop?” and only got a bunch of links to youtube videos of bears shitting in the woods with titles like “Does a bear shit in the woods? Here’s your answer!”.

*Bear war will be three times more horrific than any human war. Bear arms races will escalate quickly, causing competing countries to create bigger and bigger Bear traps. Eventually, a bear trap will be made that, if stepped on, will cut the world in half.

*The Panda population will explode, furthering the use of natural resources and bringing bamboo to extinction. People don’t realize that Pandas are actually fuck machines and the Chinese government goes to great lengths to keep the Pandopulation (Panda population. Shortened for brevity’s sake) low for the sake of the environment. They keep this from the rest of the world because Pandas are just so adorable!

In conclusion, don’t join the VHEMT and thank you, Chinese government, for the over 3 million Panortions (Panda Abortions. Shortened, once again, for brevity’s sake) you perform every year.