Minnesota is currently working on a bill to ban gay marriage which is a bit odd since The Daily Show recently called Minneapolis America’s gayest city. Opponents of gay marriage call it a “slippery slope” but what exactly lies at the bottom of this slippery slope, you ask? Global nuclear destruction.

It starts off innocent enough. The government will eventually cave and gay marriage will be written into the constitution. For the first six months or so humanity will breathe a sigh of relief when no biblical apocalypse arrives when society allows two people of the same sex who love each other to marry. That’s when they come.

Thousands of mountain men from the Appalachians and Ozarks will come streaming down from their shanties demanding their god given right to marry their only true companions in their lonely mountain life. Their pets. The stench of moonshine will envelop Washington D.C. as thousands of grizzled, suspender clad men march in protest. Congress will ironically shout “get off our land!” but their cries shall fall upon deaf ears. Public opinion will sway in favor of the animal betrothed rednecks when networks begin airing hip, cosmopolitan mountain bestiality friendly sitcoms like “Oakie and Whiskers”. Celebratory musket fire will be heard all around the country as Congress amends the Constituion to allow the union.

Seeing the trend and deciding to save time, Congress stipulates in the bill that animals can also marry each other. Dogs begin marrying cats. Cats begin marrying mice. Police stations all around the nation are flooded with domestic dispute reports as hunting instincts are proven stronger than marriage vows. With the police occupied, over 100,000 registered necrophiliacs (source: 2010 U.S. Census) take to the graveyards with shovels and engagement rings.

Martial law is declared as Anarchy rules the streets. High ranking military officers, stressed and frustrated by the lack of support from their wives, petition to marry their nuclear arsenal. Six months later another amendment is passed and every honeymoon hotspot in the world is decimated by accidental triggering of nuclear missles.
This, my friends, is why we must never allow two monogamous men that love each other to get a piece of paper that says they’re married.

For a list of my sources, please read the Bible.